Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2005 Seattle Mariners

To the tune of "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel
New lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin

I am just a fangirl, and my story's pretty dull
I have wandered all through Safeco
With a scorecard full of scribbles, such are summaries.
Games won and lost, still the team appears like it did last year,
In disregard to cost, hmmm...

When they started this season's tragedy, things were looking pretty good
With a couple big free agents
And the rookies from Tacoma seemed so talented.
Then, oh no! Dan's leg twisted, Bobby's arm blew out, and Miguel Olivo
Hit about as well as freakin' Spiezio.

My oh my...

Asking only for replacement, we go looking to trade Winn, but we get no offers
Just a prospect and a catcher named JoeJessica
I do declare, of the moves done at the trade deadline,
I think we got screwed there

Now the crowds abandon Safeco, an attendance drop you'll see,
They are smaller than they once were, and larger than they'll be, that's not unusual.
Yo, it's pretty strange, after bringing up King Felix, we are more or less the same
Roster changes, and we're still completely lame.

My oh my...

And we're calling up our minor leagues, Betancourt and Morse, Dobbs and Doyle,
'Cause our players have been plagued with inability... and injury, whoa-oh...

Out on home plate stands a catcher, after twelve years he has played
He's our very last reminder of the Mariners that made it to the playoffs
In the nineties
And they brought Seattle fame
Now we're scheming and we're dreaming
But the cold fact still remains:
We lost tons of games.

My oh my, my oh my my my my my...