Long Ball - The Musical!

Red Sox 9, Mariners 4.

(lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin, no specific tune, just musical-ish)

Jamie Moyer:
It's hot out at Safeco
Who knows where the plays go
I'd like to see some zeroes in their box.
I know I'm feeling rotten
My arm is made of cotton
I'm sweaty, I'm ready, so bring on the Sox.

Kyle Snyder:
How did I get here? It feels like a dream
From lousy Kansas City to this super-awesome team
I won't let them know
That I can't really throw.
It seems that I've got
to give it my best shot.

David Ortiz: Hey mon, I'm playing first!
Manny Ramirez: Ain't that where you the worst?
Gabe Kapler: I'm out in left field being Manny's feet...
Trot Nixon: At least I get to play.
Coco Crisp: You say that EVERY day.
Mark Loretta: Calm down, you guys, and revel in this heat--

Youkilis, Ortiz, Manny, Varitek: We'd like to hit the long ball!

Alex Gonzalez: That'd be sweet!

Red Sox (Chorus):
The long ball,
We hit 'em for Francona!
The long ball,
From here to Barcelona.
There's no corner of the outfield stands,
No spot in either 'pen
We'll hit the ball way out there
And we'll hit it out again!
Some people criticize us
And they say that we depend
On the glory of the home run
As our one offensive friend.
It's not that we're all slugging,
It's just that when it's hot
We'd rather circle bases on a trot.

Nixon: What?

Red Sox (Chorus):
The long ball!
The far wall--

Francona: Youkilis. You're up.

Whoa, mon.
Watch that ball go, mon.
Youkie flies ta center and Markie goes ta right.
I'm gonna aim, mon.
This swing's my game, mon.
Slow-pitching Jame, mon...


Adam Jones: Oh shit, it's gonna be a long night.

I loving this first base!
I never lose my place.

Raul Ibanez:
Maybe if I hit a grounder
It'll smash your face.

Yippee! They made an error!
I thought that I'd be out.
But now I do the dance of joy and shout!

I love facing Jamie Moyer,
Truth be told.
It's not just pitching slowly
'Cause he's old;
It's that he's throwing cookies
And hitting them's so fun--
My average against him
Is a perfect number one!

Moyer: WHAT?


Ibanez: Hey, that was a nice shot. He hit the Emerald Queen sign.

You say Manny being Manny
I say Yuni being Yuni
Who say Richie being Richie?
You see Jamie being Jamie--

I'm Willie being Willie!

Betancourt: [rolls eyes] Really really?

Sexson: This is silly.

Why can't my team score some runs?
I'd like to have a longer rest just once.

Varitek: Trust me, Moyer, you will always remember this as the day you almost struck out...


...Captain Jason Varitek.

George Sherrill: Jesus CHRIST will someone warn me when Moyer's gonna serve up another one so I don't get hit in the head on the way to the can.

Red Sox (Chorus):
The long ball,
The far wall,
We're gonna hit them out there
If we're hitting them at all!

My perfect average is intact,
I'm going to walk to first, infact.

Kevin Youkilis:
They call me the "Greek God Euclis",
They say I'm down with OBP.
Rather than being rebukeless,
I'd rather them think, "You KILL this"...


Sox Fan in Section 152: Use the force, Youk. Use the force.

Mike Morse: What?

Greg Dobbs: Dude, you're not even here. Lay off my roster spot.

It's still so freaking hot out,
And I just can't get a break
How much freaking longer
Is this inning going to take?

I loving this first base!
I can walk there at my pace!

Manny: [rapping]
Hey yo wussup hey
I'm Manny ya say
I'm the dude puttin' spikes in your E.R.A.
I'm the Moyer Destroyer,
I got a good sense
I'm puttin' the ball right over da fence
I'm the spark in the dark
Ain't no question no mark
That I'm gonna hit it straight outta da park


Ichiro: The long ball... Ibanez: The far wall...

Adam Jones: So this is what real major leaguers hit like, huh?

Moyer: I wondered when he'd finally go and make the bullpen call...

Johjima: You do okay, Moyer-san. Only give up six hits.

Sexson: Yeah, and five of them were jacks!

Johjima: Sounds like good poker hand!

Red Sox (Chorus):
The long ball,
The far wall,
Just give us a few hours, we'll hit homers to McCall.
We launch them to the outfield,
We don't know where they'll fall.
They could land in the bullpen
Or in the entry hall.
It's typical with Boston
To see the game be tossed in.
No matter the location
You'll see our dedication
To conquer every team for Red Sox Nation!

Mike Hargrove: Okay, guys, we're changing this musical to "Into the Woods."

Jake Woods: What?

Mike Hargrove: Just throw strikes, son.