You are in a maze of quotes from people I know, all too bizarre to eat for lunch.

Last modified: Mon Jun 30 20:19:02 EDT 2003

This is my quote file. Whether you've read it a million times or if this is your first visit, please just remember: these are just things that have struck me as funny since I started this page freshman year. It's not intended to entertain everyone, and a lot of random things are really just old inside jokes that I want to remember. If something here is attributed to you and you don't want it to be, let me know. Else.. have fun reading this, and don't say I didn't warn you that you might waste a decent chunk of time on it. You'd be surprised how much stuff a person hears in 6-7 years around CMU...

If you are going to steal from my quote file, please ask first, or at least attribute it, especially if you don't know the person quoted.

These may get sorted someday, but I doubt it. For the time being there are just year anchors... the file starts in 1995. You might want to jump to the end of the file if you've read it before. Oh, and also check out my quotes from people I don't know page.

Oh yeah, I decided to move my claritech quotes file over here too.

This file pretty much trailed off somewhere in the summer of 2003 and I probably won't revive it -- I'm just not as into gathering quotes as I once was. So if you have come back looking for new stuff, I'm sorry. Also I have changed most occurrences of @ to # in an attempt to reduce spam for my friends, so if you wonder why some things look almost like email addresses, that is why.

[ 1996 quotes ][ 1997 quotes ][ 1998 quotes ][ 1999 quotes ][ 2000 quotes ][ 2001 quotes ][ 2002 quotes ][ 2003 quotes ][ End of File (most recent quote) ]

Wait, do you wear boxers? I'm wearing briefs at the moment and I'm not really happy about it."
-- Tim Showalter

WE'RE ALL JUST LEMMINGS OF LOVE!!"
-- Tal Latimer

god i hope that didn't make a quotefile."
-- Adam Rixey

'Boys don't play with dolls, they play with trucks and guns and bugs and, if they can, they will blow things up.'"
-- Heidi Fritz, in an 85-251 lecture

'Programs should be like your Significant Other; they should be fast and easy.'

There, I didn't use any bad words and I still have a chance at tenure."
-- Shumeet Baluja

Random Search: 'I know this route almost gets me home, but I think I'm just going to try a totally different route for the hell of it to see if it's faster.'

HillClimbing: 'I know this route almost gets me home, so I think I'll alter it a slight bit and see if it gets me any closer.'

Simulated Annealing: 'Well, if I'm not too tired, I'll try out some of these weird routes that I've calculated the probabilities of working, but..'

Genetic Algorithms: 'Okay, so I'll have lots of kids and let them find their way home on their own. If they make it, I'll feed them dinner.'

Funny, when I showed these slides to a bunch of graduate students, nobody laughed.."
--Shumeet Baluja (above four quotes from a series of 15-381 lectures)

i just convinced somebody that they could win money if they send mail to the right people.

suddenly i feel very dogbertesque."
-- Adam Rixey (on chat rooms)

In other words..
duuuh.. bite me, theory-boy. ;)"
-- Matt McKeon

Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 16:32:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Matthew C Kurtz <mk7q+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration
    <bb+graffiti.sadistic-love-songs#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: well put

This argument is getting as annoying as a conversation with keil.

Tobin G Coziahr <coziahr+#andrew.cmu.edu> writes:
> No, that's pretty much almost exactly my take on it.  Like Monica, I
> don't believe that a god exists, but I am not willing to state that a
> god DOESN'T exist.  There is just no way of knowing, and to say that a
> god doesn't exist puts you on the same level as christians that say that
> a god DOES exist on faith alone, or those brave souls that claim to
> "talk" to a god, or Jesus.  I don't understand your comment at all,
> Adam.  If I don't want to do something because I don't believe in it, or
> I consider it arrogant, that is "retarded"?

It's your argument that's retarded.  You just described agnosticism, not
some bizarre, half-redundant agnosticism-atheism hybrid thing that
sounds like something some angst-spewing teenager hell-bent on appearing
as "open-minded" as possible would declare themselves after speedreading
too much existential lit. and bad goth poetry. If you're going to go
around using dogmas as examples of why you live your life certain ways,
you should at least know what the terms you are using really mean, even
if you're not sure whether you believe that it's possible that you may
or may not possibly maybe may or may not really believe them or not. Or
not. 

I'm going to have to go with Me-Supremacy because you are all mindless
pawns in a grand scheme that I have nefariously devised and set into
motion.

-matt

"...I mean, I feel like he put in the computer guy just to be gratuitous, you know, he doesn't want his wife back, he just wants a computer."
-- Dave Osorio, both quotes from fiction workshop

Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 18:59:59 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Irwin <kirwin+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+graffiti.wanderlust#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: god help us...

Excerpts from graffiti.wanderlust: 17-Sep-97 Re: god help us... by Jason
C Riek 
> rtfm joke

% rtfm joke
rtfm: 'JOKE' not found in index file
Searching your path
No help or man pages available for JOKE

Thanks Jason, BIG help!

Keith 

Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 10:31:44 -0400 (EDT)
From: Marc Gabriele <gootmu+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+graffiti.wanderlust#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: god help us...

You just didn't look hard enough...hth

---------------------------------------------------
% rtfm joke

joke(1)                                        joke(1)

NAME
    joke - cause outbursts of wild hilarity in remote host

SYNOPSIS
    joke -s setup punchline -pir

DESCRIPTION
    joke attempts to cause a humorous response in the remote host by the
transmission of punchline. 

FLAGS
    -s setup = used if the joke requires a header.
    -p = joke is a pun
    -i = joke is an inside joke (no setup allowed)
    -r = joke is a running gag (no setup required)

RETURN VALUES
    joke has the following return values

    :) = joke was successfully transmitted
    :| = joke was garbled in transmission
    :( = joke violated remote host's /etc/permissions file

-----------------------------------------------------------

Favorite movies: Apocolypse Now, except for the ending. Blade Runner, especially the ending, and this movie about a guy in Mexico, the name of which I can't remember but it's the only one where I've laughed enough to be thrown out of the theater. Oh yeah, and I hate unix.

Sexual Preferences: File not found.

Free Association: Membership fee not required."
-- Roger Wang

211 is a programming course. It teaches you how to swear like a computer scientist..."
-- David Baraff (paraphrased from the freshman IC on g.quotes)

"Peter Stearns is very interested in sex, so if you don't understand something in the textbook it probably has something to do with sex."
-- both from Jim Longhurst, world history section I recitation TA

"College used to be where you learned to smoke. Now you learn.. other good habits."

"Your musical preferences I do not understand though I know you like them only to annoy me."
-- Peter Stearns, during a world history lecture

they rule. *sigh*. if you can't touch, can't speak, can't win, can't hold them, they still set you on fire and make you go, and they are still beautiful.

keep it, feed it. get more."
-- jessica alice "george" smith, on crushes.

From: mjs+#ux4.sp.cs.cmu.edu
To: +dist+/afs/andrew/scs/cs/undergrad/sac/sac.dl#andrew.cmu.edu
Subject: reminder
Date: Wed, 18 Feb 98 13:02:49 EST

The next SAC meeting is tomorrow, Thursday, at 4:30 in the lounge.  See you for
pizza and beer...

                                Mark

Well, no beer.

A lot of these sentences are autobiographical, you know, to include random details from my life.. for example, you know how everyone says they remember exactly what they were doing when President Kennedy was shot? Well, when President Kennedy was shot, I was playing pool at Garibaldi's saloon..

<long pause> ..why am I telling you this?"
-- Paul Hopper

Date: Sat, 21 Feb 1998 19:55:37 -0500 (EST)
From: Matthew M Mckeon <mmm+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+graffiti.frats_suck#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Equilibrium [sort of]

        I am a senior.
        I am leaving soon.
        For the past year or so, I have regarded CMU
        as a job more than anything else.
        I hang out with my friends, drink too much,
        smoke too much, and go dancing almost every week.
        I like this arrangement.

        When I was a freshman, I received a bid from KDR.
        They seemed like a nice group of guys, 
        and since one or two wore big-ass combat boots 
        I thought I might fit in nicely. 
        
        Then I went to greek sing. Then I saw buggy.
        Then I went to my first frat party.
        I laughed a lot. Most of the "contributions"
        fraternities claim they make 
        seem to me to be an incredible waste of time.
        Huge parties that serve piss beer, 
        where you can barely talk to your friends over the noise,
        buggy (which I've _never_ understood the point of),
        greek sing (annoying and pathetic), etc.
        Plus the squalorous living conditions,
        lack of privacy, forced acceptance of people
        you may not like as "brothers", conformity...

        well.. these are just my *opinions* of frats.
        I *personally* find fraternities to be ridiculous.
        However, since hydroencephalitic twits like Alfie Kao 
        hate people like me anyway, this is irrelevant.
        You, gentle reader, may believe that your fraternity
        is the best thing to happen in your life 
        since you discovered the wonderful feeling
        brought on by rubbing your dangly bits. 
        And neither of us would be more or less right than the other.

        I say live and let live. The frat boys I have met
        (and the friends who turned into frat boys)
        have on the whole been nice, genuine people,
        if a bit shallow and boring in some respects.
        And really, it all comes down to the human factor,
        doesn't it?

        As long as I do not have to support frats,
        as long as their attitudes and behavior
        do not impact negatively upon my life 
        or the lives of those people I care about, 
        more power to them.
        After all, if I act to restrict their freedom
        to live as they like, 
        they, then, have the right to interfere
        with my debauched little corner of existence. 
        
        And neither of us want that, do we?

   mmm -- http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/~mmm

deannaology; n. The science of trying to figure out just what it is that is going through Deanna's head, as well as trying to deduce from her postings to graffiti just who the heck it is she is talking about, and then just trying to make her smile because she looks so cute when she smiles, well, cuter than Oren anyway."
-- Chris Allwein

I think I'll go get a different soda."
-- Jason Riek

the results are often quite amusing,
especially when a bunch of couples do it,
(please don't quote me out of context)"
-- Mike Schuresko (in context)

 the_Asylum Instance syndication {Broadcast} Message at 10:42:11 on Tue Mar  2 

"Tip of the day: When trying to get a comic strip syndicated, do not submit
strips that include the phrase "colostomy bag."

                                     I forgot what lettuce is. <bc3p> on unix13
 the_Asylum Instance syndication {Broadcast} Message at 10:45:51 on Tue Mar  2 

I was going to suggest having a main character who is
not an inanimate object.

                                  Keith Irwin <kirwin#DEMENTIA.ORG> on meep.res
 the_Asylum Instance syndication {Broadcast} Message at 10:43:41 on Tue Mar  2 

"Boink the Colostomy Bag"

                                         Gringo <jason#THEKEEP.ORG> on phantasm

 the_Asylum Instance slow {Broadcast} Message at 13:19:11 on Fri Mar 26 

Dear the internet,

You suck.  Run faster.

Love, Jason

                                  Gringo <jason#THEKEEP.ORG> on phantasm

Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 14:52:43 -0400 (EDT)
From: Michael D Schuresko <mds2#andrew.cmu.edu>
cc: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+graffiti.theology#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Next Semester's Theme

have you ever heard that new-age parable about four blind men and the
elephant?  these four blind men are each brought to an elephant and asked
what it is.  the one who finds the leg says "oh, an elephant is like a
big tree".  the one who finds the ear says "oh, an elephant is like a
giant sheet of paper".  the one who finds the tail says "oh, an elephant
must be a real huge fly-swatter". etc.

my take is that james I. is shown god, and he says "oh, god must be
revealed through scripture".  joel swehla is shown god and he says "oh,
god must be revealed through candles".  Bob Marley is shown god and he
says "oh, god must be revealed through smoking pot".

but I've probably offended james I., joel S. and bob marley, as well as
several elephants.

 the_Asylum Instance net {Broadcast} Message at 11:23:31 on Thu Apr 15 

Dear internet,

Please stop sucking or I will cry.

Luv, Jason

                                 Gringo <jason#THEKEEP.ORG> on phantasm

Date: Thu, 20 May 1999 07:50:35 -0400 (EDT)
From: Kaustuv Chaudhuri <kaustuv#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Whatever <bb+graffiti.lounge-rats#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: See yall next semester

So...

I'm off to sunny California where the girls are warm and toasty... In case
the surf, sands and sex keep me AFK for the rest of the summer, have a
swell time, people!

- Kaustuv "then again, I might have a downright awful summer and develop
an intense phobia of scantily clad meatpeople... oh wait..." Chaudhuri

Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1999 14:51:52 -0400 (EDT)
From: Kaustuv Chaudhuri <kaustuv#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+graffiti.lounge-rats#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: (new) lounge elder

On Mon, 19 Jul 1999, Camille F Fournier wrote:

> Speaking of which. . .
> I'm gonna have a freshman female roommate next year.
> 
> I'm taking bribes now.

This is silly.

If you really cared for the people, you would release your roommate under
the GPL, so everyone can enjoy her and be collectively happy and
prosperous. Right now you are making it impossible for people with little
money and older hardware to use your roommate. If you release her under
the GPL, not only will the user community hold you in reverence for the
rest of eternity, but also all bugs will be removed from your roommate in
the process of scrutiny by many minds. What's more, if people have access
to your roommate's source, they will be able to contribute their additions
and improvements to it until your roommate will become as beautiful as,
say, Emacs or the GIMP. Don't you want the best, most extensible roommate
in the world? 

However, if you really want a buggy, non cross-platform roommate that will
be rendered obsolete in a few years, well... there is not much I can do to
save you and your product. If not you, I am sure someone will come along
with the sensibility and the foresight to do the Right Thing. Remember,
the user will prevail.

Give Open-Source a thought. It could be the best decision you ever make!

Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1999 00:04:08 -0400 (EDT)
From: Ethan T Bold <ebold+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: SCS-Bboards <scsbb+undergrad.discuss#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: how do i shut up ie's complaining...

This really doesn't need to be said, but I despise most of you.

Who cares what os anybody else runs? Does running win98 and using ie
make me a bad person? It's simple and easy to use. It is bloated, but I
don't care because I have a machine with enough memory to handle it. We
all do. I like to make use of my system resources by devoting them to
ie, not wasting them on some l33t linux sh17. plus it's so much simpler.
so much simpler.

In conclusion, I am a complete wuss. You are all better than me. Now
it's your turn to tell me that you are better than me. Go ahead, do it.
All of you. Ok, now only the people on the left. Ok, now only the lady.
Now the men.... good.

So I don't really despise any of you, and i haven't even been following
this thread closely, so i may be way off mark, but ... nevermind.

keeping it real since 0011 1000 0101 1001,
Ethan T. Bold 

  Personal Message at 18:02:05 on Thu Jul 29 

Ah, now it is perfect:

perl -MTie::Scalar -we'@%=split q,,,q(JPuesrtl  aHnaoctkheerr. );
@ISA=qw(Tie::StdScalar);sub FETCH{local*$=shift;$$+=2;($$-@%)or
exit;$$%=@%;$%[$$]}tie $_,(main=>)[0];$_=-2;print while 1'

                                  Jason C Reed <jcreed> on unix13

  Personal Message at 16:01:02 on Fri Jul 30 

But I have such a better version now.

Would you mind terribly to replace the code
with

 perl    -MTie::Scalar -e'@*=split//,q#  JPuesrtl  aHnaoctkheerr#;  @ISA
  =      ( Tie::StdScalar=>);sub FETCH{local*&=shift;$&+=2;$&  =#;     |
$&%@*;   ( $& ||exit,$*[$&])}tie $_, __PACKAGE__;  Z:print qq#$_#;goto Z'

?

It does the same thing in a similar way, only the first half-dozen
columns are so deeply true :)

                                          Jason C Reed <jcreed> on unix13

don't touch anything. first make sure that you don't bleed on yourself. next, you have to make this thing look like an accident. take a brick (if you don't have one readily available, there's a styrofoam fake one in todd's office), and throw it at yourself (if this is a problem, look in a mirror as you're doing it). any injuries that you get will look good toward hiding the truth, and you'll have to grin and bear. then leave the brick lying on the floor next to your computer. press the intercom button on the phone, type 5000 (everyone), and exclaim: Who just threw a brick at me? then lie down on the floor next to the brick and moan until help comes."
-- Matt Ittigson, on using Visual SourceSafe

             Personal Message at 20:24:10 on Sat Aug  7

[godel@cantor godel]$ perl -e 'require tp for (bunghole)'
Can't locate tp.pm in @INC (@INC contains: /usr/lib/perl5/5.00503/i386-linux /us
r/lib/perl5/5.00503 /usr/lib/perl5/site_perl/5.005/i386-linux /usr/lib/perl5/sit
e_perl/5.005 .) at -e line 1.


                          Jason C Reed <jcreed> on jaypeak.weh

-----16:23:17 help zephyr <scu> Perpetually Perplexed
I figure after I give up the first born, it'll all be downhill from
there. =)
-----16:23:49 help zephyr <margulis> Just say 'no' to ASG.
like you'll ever leave your office long enough to have children.
-----16:25:58 help zephyr <lerchey> image is larger than the paper's printable area; some clipping will occur.
Doesn't that depend on who comes to his office?
-----16:26:43 help zephyr <leg> Larry
look, isn't this a family zephyr instance?
-----16:26:11 help zephyr <magus@CS> Nat Lanza
I didn't know computing services had become that much of an, uh, "full service"
organization.

-----15:16:01 share&enjoy zephyr <peterb@CS> slap panda
i guess there are other situations possible, but what i'm
basically saying is "you owe it to yourself to have sex with someone
who seriously thinks that this time MIGHT BE THEIR LAST."

 Personal Message at 15:04:26 on Sat Aug 28 

You know, I keep going through this pattern.

Open netscape in order to go to graphics class homepag.. Ooh!
Slashdot! Read slashdot read slashdot readslashdot slashdot
read read read /.read read 

accidentally click on mailto: link.

netscape crashes.

Oh, *that's* right, I was going to go to the graphics class
homepage. Open netscap.. Ooh! New article on slashdot!
readreadreadreadread....

accidentally click on mailto: link.

netscape crashes again. I think my brain trying to get
me to click on the mailto links to remind me that I shouldn't
just be reading slashdo... Ooh! New article on slashdot.
I'll get back to you in just a sec.

                          Jason C Reed <jcreed> on taosvalley.weh

Date: Tue, 31 Aug 1999 11:49:13 -0400 (EDT)
From: Brendan L Brelsford <brendanb#andrew.cmu.edu>
cc: bb+graffiti.everquest#andrew.cmu.edu
Subject: eversmack

a CCON regards you indifferently - looks like this creature could pose some problems.
You tell your party, "be careful, you almost knocked my soda off the desk."
Ragarth tells the party, "hey look at this everquest page!"
You spill a drink.
a CCON slashes YOU for 56 points of damage.
a CCON bashes YOU for 27 points of damage.
a CCON hits YOU for 31 points of damage.

You have been kicked out of the cluster!

LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...

Date: Wed,  1 Sep 1999 00:04:26 -0400 (EDT)
From: Roland M Reagan <eca+#CMU.EDU>
To: Bulletin Board Administration
    <bb+graffiti.barbara.humor#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: excerpt
Cc: 

Excerpts from graffiti.barbara.humor: 27-Aug-99 excerpt by Barbara K Jensen 
> I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on
> Tuesday.  That was cool.
>
> Sara

Dear Pace:

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the outfit you were
wearing on Tuesday.  That was cool.

Your mum

 cslounge Instance contest {Broadcast} Message at 21:32:51 on Fri Sep  3 

simon
You should go to hell and die.
Die, bitch, die!
Repent or burn!

<optimization of above lines:>
ML.(repent o hell o die) (Simon.bitch);

            Hello Kitty, Destroyer of Worlds <ajr> on blackbird.weh

HEY! I CAN YELL! WOW, LOOK AT ME! WHAT'S UP WITH *THAT*, BITCH?
<audience with total IQ lower than that of average Jerry Springer
audience member laughs> I MEAN, FUCK, MAN! <laughter> FUUUUUCCKK!
Damn, I just mean, like, shit, man. <howling laughter>

Seriously, I work at the Pittsburgh Supercomputing Center in Mellon Institute. I'm part of the networking group that supplies CMU (and Pitt, Penn State, WVU and so forth) with network connectivity (both commodity internet and vBNS). Most of the work I do is in network performance diagnostics and metrics research. It is interminably boring and these occasional forays into the wild and wooly world of misc.market is one of the few things that keeps me from running my head through my monitor. I like puppies, long walks, and autocannibalism. My turn offs include rude people, carpet bombing, and craniofacial surgery. If you ask nicely I might even show you my scars."
-- Chris Rapier, to cmu.misc.market

--s--share&enjoy message from <joshua#DEMENTIA.ORG> on clockwork.cc at 17:21:14
so, a coworker calls me up to meekly tell me something that he ruined

and i shouted into the phone, "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING MORON?!"

and about four thousand people turned to look at me,

so i yelled "OKAY MOM, TALK TO YOU LATER" and hung up.

--s--share&enjoy message from <joshua#DEMENTIA.ORG> on clockwork.cc at 12:52:02
fermat's last hack:
I have discovered a backdoor into every unix and nt box in existence, 
           but the exploit is too long to post here.

Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 09:49:22 -0400 (EDT)
From: Marybeth A Griffin <griffin+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+assocs.kgb#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Carnival and Booth

Memories of the LAST 'Around the World' entry:

"What's that booth?"
"It's the space station Mir."
<pause>
"Okay, it's a cat-puke barn *masquerading* as a space station. Now can
we get some points for originality?"

marybeth

> Additional Comments:
> if you will not allow the machine name "goatfucker.res.cmu.edu", please
> register it as "geisha.res.cmu.edu"

Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 15:22:56 -0500 (EST)
From: Barbara K Jensen <blk+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration
    <bb+graffiti.lounge-rats#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: OS

Might as well give this a try...

MWF CS major ISO OS partner for Spring 99.  Must be willing to work
hard, *not* procrastinate, and preferably not have to pull any
all-nighters.  Programming competancy and communication skills a must.
Email me if interested.

thanks
barbara

Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 17:10:56 -0500 (EST)
From: Eric C Kadehjian <erick#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+graffiti.lounge-rats#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: irrelevant

On Tue, 28 Dec 1999, Roman W Mitz wrote:
> >     I solved the problem just by going to an all-male HS.  (Then again,
> > that's a problem in and of itself.)
>
> Tell me about it.  Sigh.  Missed opportunities...

See, in public high school I thought I had plenty of opportunities.  So I
started hitting on some females.  Got rejected by the first one, then the
second and so on.  I gave up on my HS after I struck out about 35 times.
So I started a BFS plan of attack; now I've been shot down so many times
that my parents have told me I no longer have any realistic chance of
finding a relationship in MA, NH, or RI (and no, not even I will stoop so
so as to start handing around Providence middle schools to pick up women;
feel free to pass this info along to Haefele).

So having exhausted my options in New England, I tried my hand in the land
of yinzers.  Same story.  My first dozen attempts or so were knocked
down faster than a Kordell Stewart pass.  After being threatened with
blunt force trauma and legal action by a particular sorority house (anyone
care to guess which one), I figured I would be best served cutting my
losses and stay out of the dating game for a few years.

The moral of the story:  don't worry about "what if" scenarios; just
assume that if you had asked X out, X would have told you to go jump in
front of a bus.  Then you'll never consider the question again.  If you're
thinking about maybe something different will happen next year, my advice
to cure this longing is to think about the Red Sox situation.  I don't
believe in the Curse of the Bambino, but they sure have sucked in the
playoffs for the past 81 years.  And despite the longing of Red Sox
nation, it's pretty clear that 2000 probably won't be much different than
any other year.  So much for the premise of "wait till next year".

Theoretically I should have a great Quake game by now since I've had a lot
of free time not chasing women.  Unfortunately the lounge made me put even
this noble quest off.  Anyone up for bridge?
 
-- Eric

Date: Wed, 29 Dec 1999 17:27:49 -0500 (EST)
From: Peter Sand <sand#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: bb+graffiti.lounge-rats#andrew.cmu.edu
Subject: Re: Linux root password

I just like to say "I'm special because I run a simple, friendly,
alternative OS (Win95) instead of that run-make-for-a-living mainstream OS
(Linux)" and then run for my life (the basement of the newell simon
building is a good place to run for your life; the elevator will take you
down to the B level, which then lets you roam most of the construction
area).

Actually, I was running linux and having problems with this depends on
version x of that which depends on version y of that which depends on...
and I reformatted my hard drive, installed windows, and haven't had a Linux
problem since.

1.  Slashdot Sucks, Have a Bagel.  (dr4b)
2.  Lounge-rats sucks, Have a croissant.  (mds2)
3.  Graffiti sucks.  Have a mini-danish.  They are good, and they fill you
    right up.  (kaustuv)
4.  GOD, this mini-danish is FANTASTIC!  (mitz)
5.  It's "GOD... this mini-danish is AMAZING!" you moron.  (kaustuv)
5.  The Internet sucks.  Have a scone.  It's just as crumby.  (keryan)
6.  Since I didn't have quote marks, that was merely a PARAPHRASE, jackass.  
    (mitz)
7.  Paraphrases suck, have one of the Colonel's own biscuits!  (mds2)
8.  Pointless arguments suck; have a semicolon.  (llaird)
9.  People who say "pointless arguments suck" (English majors) suck; have a 
    pointless argument.  (kaustuv)
10.  English sucks.  Peaksay niay Igpay Atinlay.  (nshore)
10.  Tomorrow you will wake up and do a whole bunch of random stuff and then 
     go back to sleep.  You owe the Oracle a twinkie.  (dr4b)
11.  Twinkies suck!  Have a tasty and delicious Hostess pastry treat!  (mds2)
12.  I love quote excerpts; I should work for the newspaper.  (Jim "...suck!  
     Have a tasty and delicious Hostess..." Bruce)
13.  Newspapers suck; have a slime mold.  (kaustuv)
14.  Slime sucks.  Have a marshmallow man.  (nshore)
15.  Marshmallows suck.  Have a whole-grain scone with organic butter 
     substitute.  (llaird)
     Men suck.  Have hot lesbian action on the Cut. (llaird)
       That's great.  Be sure to post a note here beforehand.  (mitz)
         If there was hot lesbian action on the cut in this weather (Wind 
         chill 15 below zero), you could cut diamonds with their nipples.  
         (coziahr)
16.  Lesbians suck.  Have a dick.  (coziahr)
17.  Everybody needs dick.  Have another.  (cce)
18.  This conversation is getting more gay than tom's left pinky, and that's 
     too gay for me.  (zml)
       That should make it suitable for slashdot.  Have a bagel.  (mds2)
19.  Gays suck; have a kill-all-gays-jeans-day.  (kaustuv)
16a.  I posted something about scones too, a while back.  Guess what, it 
     got dropped from the thread too.  This thread sucks.  Have some 
     mochi.  (keryan)
20.  This thread is heathen; here, eat this root.  (dr4b)
21.  This thread is cursed. Have a frogurt. The Frogurt is also cursed.  (bolson)
22.  This curse is lifted. Have the still-bleeding heart of a sacrificial
     virgin.  (llaird)

Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2000 18:05:45 -0500 (EST)
From: Carl Christian Eastlund <cce#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Lounge Rats <post+graffiti.lounge-rats#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: My partner r001z (fwd)

  I'm writing this to let everyone know that my OS partner dr001z.  He's a
big, 5L0883RY d00d.

You know who you are, zml.  You dr00l.  ;)

--Carl

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2000 17:28:08 -0500 (EST)
From: Yishan Wong <ywong#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: post+academic.cs.15-412#andrew.cmu.edu
Subject: My partner r001z

I'm writing this to let everyone know that my partner is r001z.  She's a
l33t h4X0r ch1k.

You know who you are, partner.  You r00l.

--a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <dr4b> on unix9 at 13:01:28
today sucks.
--a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <bc3p> on unix7 at 13:01:43
I blame Jason.
--a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <dr4b> on unix9 at 13:01:49
funny, so do i
--a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <wander#WATSON.ORG> on fledge.watson.org at 13:03:05 
I am not now, nor have I ever been, responsible for today sucking.
--a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <mj2q#DEMENTIA.ORG> on alycia.dementia.org at 13:03:11
I heard you talking at breakfast jason.
"You know, I think I will make today suck for Deanna."
--a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <wander#WATSON.ORG> on fledge.watson.org at 13:05:33
Actually, what I said was "You know I think I will fake, say, Burnt Sienna."

See, burnt sienna can't be displayed by X, so I have to fake it.
--a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <wander#WATSON.ORG> on fledge.watson.org at 13:06:13
Also, aliens wrote our Makefile.  No human could possibly understand it.

             Personal Message at 18:07:14 on Sun Feb 20 

plus with a non draining fountain you can get a waterfall spilling over the side..
How scenic!
And then a river running down to the stairs, and then down the stairs.
Wean Falls.

                                      andrew mccreight <aem2> on unix11

OUT, OUT, YE SPIRITS OF DEANNA!

(later that day) "So did I make it into your quotefile again for the Holst thing?"
-- Mike Peck

--c--cslounge instance +- message from <jcreed> on unix13 at 14:24:29 / adventures with a contravariant functor
You have to be very careful to connect
the + end of one grade to the - of the next
grade on the transcript, otherwise they'll
short out and the transcript explodes
in firey death.

&&&&&Personal message from <aem2> on unix7 at 11:38:33 / The-Andrew-System
i woke up at 9:30, and then i was like YOUSUCKOSIWANTTOSLEEPMORE!
and so i did.

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 09:23:05 -0400 (EDT)
From: Ivan A Modrovich <ivanm+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: "bboard-poster" <post+graffiti.theology#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Flyers

"And then Jesus said unto the multitude, 'Lo! the Pens will go forth and
bring great honors upon Pittsburgh, for their defense is righteous and
the Flyers suck butt.'"

        --Andy 

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 11:01:42 -0400 (EDT)
From: Bradley M Keryan <keryan+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: bb+graffiti.lounge-rats#andrew.cmu.edu
Subject: Re: what is a planar graph?

> Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 21:54:08 -0400 (EDT)
> From: Noble A Shore 
> 
> what is a planar graph?
> a response before 9AM tomorrow would be appreciated

Oops, it's quite a bit past 9AM.

You know, there have been a lot of homework-related questions on
Slashdot (so far, two people writing papers who are too lazy to do
their own research). I wouldn't be surprised if we started seeing
stuff like this on Slashdot:

Ask Slashdot: What is a Planar Graph?  
Posted by CmdrTakoyaki on Monday, April 17, @10:55am 
from the computer science department 

Noble asks: "what is a planar graph? a response before 9AM tomorrow
would be appreciated."  Interesting question. I wonder what the
implications of this are for MP3s, nanomachines, Linux, and the MS DOJ
settlement. What do you think? UPDATE: Neal Stephenson and Bruce
Schnier wrote articles about this topic <a
href="http://www.idontneedmytoothpastedelivered.com/">here</a> and <a
href="http://www.ijusthadarectalexamonline.com/">here</a>. Interesting
stuff.

        Brad

Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 20:53:55 -0400 (EDT)
From: Zachary M Loafman <zml+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: post+graffiti.lounge-rats#andrew.cmu.edu
Subject: I need a CPU fan pronto

SWM seeks cpu fan to share hot summer nights with. Inquire at this
email address if you think you can cool off my hot cpu.

...Zach

Date: Mon, 2 Jun 2000 22:57:30 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Charles F. Werner" <timebomb+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+graffiti.quotes.d#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Any idiot can make techno music...

One day
I walked off campus
And went to hang out with other friends
I made a very geeky joke
Then I realized
They never programmed in C++
because they all thought I was making a reference
to 1984.

In the end
I was better off
Because they figured me a literature buff
Instead of a big fucking geek.

                -TimeBomb


Date: Mon, 5 Jun 2000 13:14:31 -0400 (EDT)
From: Bradley M Keryan <keryan+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+graffiti.deanna#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Schenly Movies

> Jim Carrey isn't in Inspector Gadget.  The Inspector is played by
> Matthew Broderick.

From the trailers for that movie, it looks like the scriptwriter had
Jim Carrey in mind, not Matthew Broderick :)

What were they thinking? Are there actually people who see the
trailer, with "go go gadget arm" punching some guy in the nuts, and
still want to see the movie? Is "Inspector Gadget" another "There's
Something About American Pie", except targeted toward a younger
audience? 

    Brad, who doesn't entirely mind toilet humor as long as it's funny 


Date: Thu, 8 Jun 2000 14:07:57 -0400
To: bb+graffiti.freston.misc#andrew.cmu.edu
From: Kevin Gaughen <freston#cmu.edu>
Subject: beautiful day

Man, it's such a nice day out.  I have all my windows open and I'm 
trying my best to suck it all up.

'Seize the day' isn't the right phrase.  I want to absorb the day, to 
consume it, to become one with it.  I want to FUCK the day.

Yes, I want to find the day's temporal orifice and copulate with it. 
I want to make love to it and knead its luscious day-breasts.  I want 
to change positions and experience the day from the top, the bottom 
and oh so many other different angles.  How I yearn to whisper sweet 
nothings in it's ear while it gives me head.  I want to handcuff it 
to the bed so no one else can have it.  I want to orgasm into its 
clear skies and sunshine; I want to spew my gravy across its 
celestial blue and create vapor trails and fluffy cumulus clouds with 
my seed.

Then, once I'm satisfied, I'll kick its ass out of my room and fuck 
the night as well.

-kkg

Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2000 14:47:46 -0400 (EDT)
From: Alison K Merikangas <akm+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Kevin Thomas Gaughen <freston+#cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: drunk

Excerpts from graffiti.freston.misc: 13-Jun-100 drunk by Kevin Gaughen#cmu.edu 
> 19) akm wants some lovin'

my oh my - that's better than a personal ad!

did i ever tell you about the personal ad i put in in pittsburgh my
freshman year? i was really sick and doped up on cough medicine. fiona
and i thought it would be funny (i think i was even dating someone at
the time) so we wrote some. i won ad of the week, which became ad of the
month - they wouldn't fucking take it out.

the text was as follows:
choose life, choose a job, choose your future. but why would anyone want
to do a thing like that? instead choose an 18 year old female who can
tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

i got so many calls it was unbelievable. i guess men really like oral
sex from young women. what that little cherry stem trick has to do with
oral sex, though, i will never understand.

-akm

Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 18:10:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: James R Bruce <bruce+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+graffiti.lounge-rats#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Abortion risks

I didn't want to get into this, but the situation demands it...

Some facts I gathered:

Most process abortions happen after the first few minutes, after child
processes become unresponsive.  Very few processes are aborted after 21
weeks.

Abortion is very safe in more developed operating systems like Linux or
BSD, and few parent deaths result from aborting children.  In less
developed systems like windows or MacOS, process abortion can be very
dangerous to the parent, as well as unrelated processes inhabiting
nearby areas.  Both have made recent strides to make abortion safe, but
there is still a far way to go before such improvements are available
within all systems.

However, your best bet is to protect yourself in the first place and
limit unnecessary forking.

 - Jim

Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 22:17:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: J Leonard Lanphar <jl8z+#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: bb+graffiti.lorelei.spew#andrew.cmu.edu
Subject: Re: I am not alone

this is giving me an idea: the geek stud calendar. every month would
feature a photo of some hot geek-type guy sitting seductively at his
computer with a caption below saying something like

S E P T E M B E R

Jeff is implementing genetic engineering software in Perl. He's
endowed with a mouth-watering dual-processor PIII-750 with 512 MB of
RAM and 70 GB of hard disk running RedHat 6.1. His hobbies include
memorizing Monty Python movies, listening to TMBG, and whispering
sweet NOOPs into his lover's ear.

Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2000 16:21:28 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jason C Reed <jcreed#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: System Account <bb+graffiti.lorelei.spew#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: weekend

Lorelei D Laird <llaird+#andrew.cmu.edu> writes:
> I think visiting Pace is more happiness than one person can digest. :}
> I also think I'm really sick of airports, airplanes, people in striped
> company shirts, mini packs of pretzels, air-conditioning, industrial
> carpeting, cocktail napkins, and franchise eateries. I feel like joining
> a commune and running around naked for a couple of days in order to get
> all of that out of my system.

Please wait until the aircraft has come to a complete stop at the gate and
the pilot has turned off the "no-hippie" light before running around
naked.

---Jason


-----sddd2@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 19:42:43
I really fucking hate Unix linking "technology"
-----sddd2@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 19:43:04
undefined reference MY ASS
-----sddd2@CS message from <colohan#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs138.sp.cs at 19:43:36 
You can't put your ass in a linkline.  Perhaps you should package it
in a "shared object" first?


-----help.perl@CS message from <bumba#CS.CMU.EDU> on corinth.odyssey.cs at 15:08:40 / super debugger mama
Perl has everything and the kitchen sink. It's especially useful to
those who like to program with kitchen sinks.


-----tea.primal scream.d@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 15:23:57 / half-off sale on butt wigs
Meanwhile, my caffeine consumption is now down to one cup of coffee per
day and dropping.  Bwah hah hah hah.  DANCE FOR YOUR DOSAGE, MY 
LITTLE CAFFEINE PUPPETS, DANCE 

-----help.math.I have a question.d@CS message from <rochberg#CS.CMU.EDU> on evelake.pdl.cs at 17:54:08 / Mr. Clickthrough
(zephyr-finish-flame-war "safe languages" "expressive languages")         
Through the wonders of modern AI  technology, I
can finish this flamewar for you:
safe languages R00lz            
safe languages Sux               
safe languages Rules
safe languages Sucks, besides expressive languages rules                 
expressive languages sucks worse 
*you* suck worse
I hate you      
I hate you, pigfucker

--c--cslounge instance texas message from <aem2> on chamonix.weh at 17:48:04
just get one of those portable metal detectors.
--c--cslounge instance texas message from <aem2> on chamonix.weh at 17:49:11
i think a portable metal detector would be obnoxious.
"'scuse me sir!  just checking for a congealed weapon!" WEEEOOOO!
"is that a... ok, its just a belt.  continue"
--c--cslounge instance texas message from <meister> on unix7 at 17:51:11
Of course you can avoid that by using an uncongealed weapon.
Those don't do as much damage, though.

For example, highlander syrup is much less harmful before it becomes a solid.

-----letters to programs@CS message from <rochberg#CS.CMU.EDU> on ux9.sp.cs at 16:46:16 / [food store] of the [doomed]
dear linux,
I hate you.
But don't worry.  I hate lots of other programs too.

                                -david 

-----help.greek@CS message from <agroce#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs246.sp.cs at 14:27:33 / Don't eat your kudos all at once
When Don Knuth, the Pope, and the Queen of England all line up behind
a translation, it can be taken as correct.

-----chat.usenet/web.plug@CS message from <pdinda#CS.CMU.EDU> on pyramid.cmcl.cs at 13:06:22 / Save me, Gee-buzz!
I think Haskel has types, and I understand that strong typing, because
it is clearly an example of socialist compiler totalitarianism is
incompatible with objectivism.
-----chat.usenet/web.plug@CS message from <andrej#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs2.sp.cs at 13:06:45 / Andrej Bauer
Well, you are somewhat mistaken.
-----chat.usenet/web.plug@CS message from <pdinda#CS.CMU.EDU> on pyramid.cmcl.cs at 13:07:01 / Save me, Gee-buzz!
Haskel doesn't have types?
-----chat.usenet/web.plug@CS message from <andrej#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs2.sp.cs at 13:07:24 / Andrej Bauer
Haskel is EVIL because it has type conversions. You can convert from A 
to B. This is clearly immoral.

-----chat.election.buchanan.t@CS message from <eli#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs211.sp.cs at 13:42:52 / ribald tune
what part of "the people" is not clear?
OH MY GOD THE CONSTITUTION DOESN'T TYPECHECK

Date: Fri, 3 Nov 2000 10:03:32 -0500 (EST) 
From: Jonathan David Pearce <dwindlehop#cmu.edu> 
To: Boss Three <post+graffiti.boss-three#andrew.cmu.edu> 
Subject: oh, yeah? 
 
Your Mom is so dumb that she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a 
minimal sum of products expression using a Karnaugh map instead of the 
Quine-McCluskey Algorithm.

--s--share&enjoy message from <joshua#DEMENTIA.ORG> on clockwork.cc at 14:05:57 / etc
Women are harder to find then jobs. Date the girl, quit if it works out.

-----heh@CS message from <pdinda#CS.CMU.EDU> on pyramid.cmcl.cs at 13:22:10 / Save me, Gee-buzz!
I just showed a couple of students tcpdump.  I think they had a
stroke.
-----heh@CS message from <pdinda#CS.CMU.EDU> on pyramid.cmcl.cs at 13:22:51 / Save me, Gee-buzz!
WOW, ALL THOSE PACKETS ARE THERE EVEN WHEN WE'RE NOT USING THE
NETWORK?!  HOLY SHIT.

--c--cslounge instance lounge.eviction message from <aem2> on unix14 at 19:25:34 / we must either love each other, or we must die
the best thing to do is to not let his presence disturb you.
you must be as the reed, bending in the wind.
not as the oak, which in a strong wind will break.
--c--cslounge instance lounge.eviction message from <broz> on unix46 at 19:26:00 / 
Yeah, ==aem2, shove a tree up his ass.

stanford people are totally clean-cut. berkeley people in general are shaggy fruitcakes, but berkeley CS people I've met have all been really cleancut. CMU people are in-between. And MIT people sport a look that says 'who needs to look professional when you have an MIT pedigree'."
-- Mike Schuresko

-----periodic rochberg weirdness@CS message from <rochberg#CS.CMU.EDU> on knockdhu.pdl.cs at 12:33:31 / enigmatic inanity
Dear whatever microbe or virus is living in me and causing my         
respiratory tract to fill with greenish phlegm,

I would be happy to provide an alternate environment that you would
find extremely pleasant (warmed gel agar for the bacteria, viri: you     
tell me what you need) if only you'd leave me alone.

                                -david
-----periodic rochberg weirdness@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 12:39:47 / the drill-bit for your cranium
Dear whatever microbe,                

Just in case you were wondering, *my* respiratory tract is not an      
acceptable alternate environment.
       
-- Scott


Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000 15:56:54 -0500 (EST) 
From: Peter Sand <sand#andrew.cmu.edu> 
To: post+graffiti.marybelle.16#andrew.cmu.edu 
Subject: Re: all mine! 
 
Before you make such statements, I should warn you that the hot chicks are 
using your computer to write a type-safe compiler for a virtual reality 
oral sex scripting language.  Without this, you might end up with objects 
being assigned to incompatible orifices, which certainly isn't something 
you want happening in your bed. 

--c--cslounge instance lieberman message from <llaird> on unix7 at 11:34:46
that's where you get your rabbi to step in and interpret for you.
I find that not running my life according to an ancient boook
solves these problems for me, though.
--c--cslounge instance lieberman message from <oren#DEMENTIA.ORG> on bilbo.cnbc at 11:37:26
yeah, running your life by an ancient book is silly
--c--cslounge instance lieberman message from <zml> on unix48 at 11:35:26
Instead, let's all run it by my book.
--c--cslounge instance lieberman message from <jcreed> on unix11 at 11:35:37
Much better to run it according to a more up-to-date book.
I reccomend "Tensor Calculus for Hydrodynamics", myself.
--c--cslounge instance lieberman message from <jcreed> on unix11 at 11:36:07
On sabbath, I must ritually prove Stoke's theorem twenty-three times.


Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2001 08:57:52 -0500 (EST) 
From: Andrew E Mccreight <aem2+#andrew.cmu.edu> 
To: bb+graffiti.hobby.trolling.aem2#andrew.cmu.edu
Subject: "social loafing" 
 
for my research methods class today we are supposed to read an article 
on "social loafing", which is how people tend to slack off when they 
work in groups.  we are supposed to read it because we are going to work 
in groups.  i wasn't going to read it, because other people probably 
will, but the irony is just too thick, so i will after all. 


-----chat.lucidity levels decreasing captain@CS message from <sprite#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs235.sp.cs at 14:52:31 / Bridget Spitznagel
Do I dare to eat a peach?
I have heard the mermaids singing each to each.
I do not think that they will help me write this paper.

Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001 13:58:37 -0500 (EST)
From: Lorelei D Laird <blueeyeddevil#CMU.EDU>
To: Deanna Rubin <entropy+#CMU.EDU>
Subject: Re: evening

Excerpts from graffiti.hobby.trolling.aem2: 31-Jan-101 Re: evening by
Deanna Rubin@andrew.cmu. 
> who notices that every time she mentions how she doesn't watch TV,
> andrew mentions an article on seanbaby.com about people who mention
> they don't watch TV.  I've seen this syndrome.  It's kind of like the
> "I feel superior because I read seanbaby.com" people.  Pretty annoying.

Ha. You too now feel the uberbitchiness that is Deanna. The only known
cure is ignoring her. 

-----!ephemera.sender REDACTED@CS message from <jch#CS.CMU.EDU> on ux2.sp.cs at 12:04:37 / stooge for the man
First they came for the bboards.  
  But I had zephyr, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the misc collections.  
  But I had RPMs, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for scs-all.  
  But I had a filter, so I didn't speak up.
They they came for the RPP.  
  But I didn't use it anymore, so I didn't speak up.
They they came for me.  
  And by that time there was no-one left to speak up.
    So I graduated.


-----     instance work message from <meister> on unix12 at 16:42:44 / asahi wa kagayakasu, yuuhi wa kagenobasu
y'know, if you had to be a demideity of something,
threading issues isn't a really bad thing.
"synch locks?  Who needs synch locks?"
-----     instance work message from <meister> on unix12 at 16:43:29 / asahi wa kagayakasu, yuuhi wa kagenobasu
You would get to attach "Lord of Mutices" to the end of your name.

-----how data mining works in academia@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 15:01:11 / kiss the vibrating chihuahua
Herr Professor Scientist: Your Whizzy Bayesian Network Anomaly Detection 
Mumble is JUST WHAT WE NEED!  We have a bunch of deadlines, the first
one of which is in three weeks.  I'll get you millions of datapoints
"today", and they shall be clean as a baby's behind.

Graduate Student Data Miner: Great!  

GSDM: [waits a week]

GSDM: Uh...data?  Hello?

GSDM: [waits another week]

HPS: Here is some other small, vaguely related dataset I have had lying
around for months.  Go nuts!  The "important" variables are mumble
mumble wooger mumble mumble.

GSDM: [fires up Whizzy Bayesian Network Anomaly Detection Mumble]

WBNADM: I don't THINK so.  [dumps core]

GSDM: My incredibly sophisticated thesis code has revealed the
following fact about your dataset: the "important" variable "wooger"
is always equal to 0.000000 in your ASCII file.  Fix, please?

HPS: [waits half a week]

HPS: Just ignore that one for now.

GSDM, thinking to himself: And do it all over again when you finally
get your act together?  Ha ha ha ha.  [loses 5d8 gruntles]


Top Ten magic hate ball messages: (from instance share&enjoy)

10. You suck. [benc@DEMENTIA.ORG]
9. Shut up and die. [wander@WATSON.ORG]
8. Don't ask me again later, you stupid fuck. [dr4b]
7. Signs point to "You're going to fuck it up." [dr4b]
6. How the fuck should I know? [wander@WATSON.ORG]
5. You fucked it up already, didn't you? [benc@DEMENTIA.ORG]
4. Reply hazy, because you smoke too much pot. [thwomp]
3. Ask again never. [blk]
2. And you ask a plastic 8-ball? [kidder@DEMENTIA.ORG]
1. No.  Quit asking. [benc@DEMENTIA.ORG]
0. Fuck no. [dr4b]
-1. Most define-- Just kidding.  No. [benc@DEMENTIA.ORG]
-2. I've got more balls than you, asshole. [dr4b]
-3. If this really matters to you figure it out yourself, assface.  [wander@WATSON.ORG]

--c--cslounge instance mycvslogmessage message from <robbins> on unix15 at 04:11:02
LIVE From PITTSBURGH, it's TOO DAMN LATE, with your host ROBBINS SEZ!

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to another addition of cvs log messages that
nobody reads, we've got a great show in store for you tonight, re-post-at- 
end-of-handler is here, along with modified athrow semantics, and musical
guest Aggressive-throw-aie-on-return...                                    
             
From the home office in 4th floor management-in-the-clouds-land -

Top 10 reasons CVM may not be working:

10. The build fails with "You've got to be kidding..."
9. You compile with -Wall -ansi-pedantic -f uckmeuptheass.
8. You set the CVM_DONT_WORK=true make flag.
7. You compiled with MS Visual C++ for linux.
6. The linker reports "undefined reference to MyPants!"
5. Your co-worker submitted the CVM to the obfuscated C contest and won!
4. one fully qualified name: javax.realtime.netbeans.
3. You use macros to affect higher-order functions in C.
2. Your source file contains more macro than actual code.
1. You attempted to implement something in the RTSJ!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great audience.

-----PSA@CS message from <eli#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs211.sp.cs at 17:22:47 / Tranny Rumpkin
documenting pays off!  I just catted together the README files for
all the versions of my code, and now I have a thesis.
-----PSA@CS message from <eli#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs211.sp.cs at 17:23:02 / Tranny Rumpkin
now cat the TODO files, and boom, "Future Work" chapter.


Date: Sun, 24 Jun 2001 22:11:22 -0400 (EDT) 
From: Eric C Kadehjian <erick#andrew.cmu.edu> 
To: bboard-poster <post+graffiti.shiue#andrew.cmu.edu> 
Subject: Re: update Re: optimism 
 
On Sun, 24 Jun 2001, Kevin Buoren Shiue wrote: 
> Hm, okay, so actually it would be all easier if I just started the 
> "stop obsessing" phase right about now. 
 
Have your friends Jack D. and Jim B. over.  I find obsessing over someone 
pretty tough if I preoccupy myself with trying to stand.   
 
-- Eric 

Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2001 08:33:02 -0400 (EDT) 
From: Jason C Reed <jcreed#andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Andrew BBoard Account <bb+graffiti.hobby.trolling.aem2#andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: SML: Why aren't files closed when they go out of scope? (fwd) 
 
On Wed, 18 Jul 2001, Andrew E Mccreight wrote: 
> Oh, and I'm back in Pittsburgh from a weekend in California, for a bit 
> of a McCreight clan gathering.  Where I was it was cool and arid.  How 
> nice!  Now I'm back in the hellish swamp of Pittsburgh.  But Pittsburgh 
> has computers, so it isn't all bad.  
 
Now I have this vision in my head: a swamp, green and brown and sludgy. If 
you so much as touched the surface, it would suck your hand in up to the 
wrist and something would begin to see if you beared any protein worth 
extracting. Many insect and amphibian noises. Chirp, grunt, whine. In the 
distance, in the mist, the silhouette of a towering cathedral is barely 
visible. 
 
Just as you look back to the horizon, a sparcStation leaps out of the 
muck, extends its monitor cable like a whip to capture a wandering 
dragonfly, and sinks back down, crunching away at its meal. 
 
"Next time," you almost swear you hear it think, "it'll be you". 
 
---Jason 


-----chat.sffs@CS message from <clamen#CS.CMU.EDU> on cirrus.gp.cs at 13:14:45 / Stewart M. Clamen
I wonder if one could consider The Star-Spangled Banner a filk
-----chat.sffs@CS message from <tomault#CS.CMU.EDU> on ir.mt.cs at 13:15:32 / Thomas Galen Ault
WHY would the SSB be considered a "filk?" There's no sane reason to do
so.
-----chat.sffs@CS message from <tomault#CS.CMU.EDU> on ir.mt.cs at 13:17:31 / Thomas Galen Ault
In order for a song to be filk, it must have lyrics that are targetted
at any one of a number of geeky subcultures.
-----chat.sffs@CS message from <clamen#CS.CMU.EDU> on cirrus.gp.cs at 13:17:48 / Stewart M. Clamen
like republicans?


-----     instance intl message from <meister> on unix1 at 15:09:19 / taiyou ni miteite morau ka na
Just out of curiosity, how did we get on such bad terms with the Muslim
states?  Was it just America's patronage of Israel?
-----     instance intl message from <oren#DEMENTIA.ORG> on thorin.club.cc at 15:10:57 / nanji no arubeki sugata ni modore
That's one thing
-----     instance intl message from <oren#DEMENTIA.ORG> on thorin.club.cc at 15:11:09 / nanji no arubeki sugata ni modore
The other reason is n'sync
-----     instance intl message from <meister> on unix1 at 15:11:28 / 
oh, yeah.
I guess that would cause anyone to be angry at us.


-----nyetwork@CS message from <jch#CS.CMU.EDU> on ux2.sp.cs at 16:33:22 / stooge for the man
oh, btw, my manager is a private flyer.  When we got the "here's what to
say to anyone asking about Microsoft Flight Simulator", he got a little
hacked off.  So he called the commercial flight simulator center near
Heathrow that his flying club went to once.  "You want to book time this
afternoon sir?  Sure.  On a 757?  No problem.  Program in New York
skyline?  Absolutely."
-----nyetwork@CS message from <roc#CS.CMU.EDU> on ux1.sp.cs at 16:34:15 / Robert OCallahan
"Will that be with the World Trade Center or without?"

Date: Tue, 2 Oct 2001 16:42:43 -0400 (EDT) 
From: Margaret I DeLap <mid#andrew.cmu.edu> 
To: bboard-poster <post+assocs.kgb#andrew.cmu.edu> 
Subject: Re: Friday: Subliminal Geek Fishing 
 
> Actually, not only can I tell you about life before dirt, I can even tall 
> you about life before C++ and Java, back when men were men and everyone 
 
Were women also men?  That would've explained the ratio. 


-----chat.my-inbox.d@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 17:37:45 / gut-puppet theatre
I think my mind just reached its boggling quota for the day

They are frozen.

Not in the "the man decided they have to keep me down so he froze my assets" sense. They are both paid off. I decided I wanted to live without the temptation to use them for a while. So, I put them both in a ziploc bag full of water, and put it in the freezer.

If I see something that I think is really cool, and I want it, and I don't have the money in my account to get it, then I have to go home and thaw them out before I use them... not too great a hurdle, but enough to make me more careful.

I will probably thaw them when I buy the new computer, b/c I'm thinking of getting that before the end of January, rather than waiting until I've got the cash, just because I'm frustrated on several music projects and want the tools to work on them.

There's actually something really pleasant about not having the option to spend in my wallet.

Maybe I should stop carrying my ATM card too, and just carry cash..."
-- Sean McGuire

When will RFW be back up? I want to stream some 60s Borscht Belt filk."
-- Stewart Clamen

it took me about two minutes to realize (mostly due to a close-up on one of the players faces) that the window wasn't output from an x-box, but the super bowl."
-- Neil Halelamien

To: g-f-misc#yahoogroups.com 
From: Jason C Reed <godel#cmu.edu>
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 01:26:12 -0500 (EST) 
Subject: Re: [g-f-misc] pi day 
 
On Wed, 20 Mar 2002, Tobin Coziahr wrote:  
> Gopi's a terror when he gets drunk, too.  We had to drag him out of PHI when 
> he started calling everyone in there his "sweet, sweet honkey bitches" and 
> threatened to take their temperature with his "all dark meat thermometer". 
 
Dude, tell me about it. There was that one time he came into the lounge, 
knocked a mile off his ass on (as it was later revealed) a cocktail of 
wild turkey, antifreeze, and absinthe, told all the, quote, donkey-fucking 
mongoloid crackers to get the fuck out of his way before he batter-fried 
their testicles, and proceeded to totally trash the place. Three weeks 
after his trailer-park-tornado of destruction ended, we were still picking 
bits of Microsoft reference manuals and unfortunate freshmen out of the 
ceiling tiles. 
 
---Jason 

GPF.

-- Kevin Lambert (aka GPF Lith), on the End of DDR As We Know It.

Date: Wed, 04 Dec 2002 13:27:16 -0800
From: Joshua Buergel
To: [ ... ]
Subject: Re: Lord Of The Rings Tickets

> Cinerama's a pretty cool theater.  I don't know if its all THAT much better
> than say, Montlake, but some people (Heidi) swear by it.

Sometimes I swear in front of it, when I see the lines.

I don't know about Kevin, maybe he's just not getting enough, but polygons do absolutely nothing for me. It wasn't "gratuitous" nor "sexual" in any way. Wow! You can zoom in on her POLYGONAL ass for as long as you want! HUZZAH!

The game is a complete pile of shit."
-- Matt Ragsdale, on Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball

NarcoticsTrader:
I was at the 8th plus location test yesterday, and Ryu finally did AAAAAA Bag 300. He also AAAAA'ed the one more extra stage, Maxx to the XXXium Infinity Survivor Climax Evolution 380 (uncivilization parapara super eurobeat vocal remix), with 12 ibun mo maabarasu! and 1 you are enjoy!.
Oh, and some guy managed to complete the new "Road of 5x sudden shuffle" oni course. He spelled his name wrong on the high score list, however.

PARANOiA Rebirth:
That's nothing. AAAAAAAAron has better scores than that. He passed PARANOiA Survivor Max Max ~Dirty mix~ 320 on 8x. He also got a DAMN on Let Them Not Move.

I hear that on 9th mix the extra stage is going to be 400 bpm and if you get one Perfect you fail. They also replaced the "Marvelous" with "Simple".