You are in a maze of quotes from people I know, all too bizarre to eat for lunch.

Last modified: Mon Jun 30 20:19:02 EDT 2003

This is my quote file. Whether you've read it a million times or if this is your first visit, please just remember: these are just things that have struck me as funny since I started this page freshman year. It's not intended to entertain everyone, and a lot of random things are really just old inside jokes that I want to remember. If something here is attributed to you and you don't want it to be, let me know. Else.. have fun reading this, and don't say I didn't warn you that you might waste a decent chunk of time on it. You'd be surprised how much stuff a person hears in 6-7 years around CMU...

If you are going to steal from my quote file, please ask first, or at least attribute it, especially if you don't know the person quoted.

These may get sorted someday, but I doubt it. For the time being there are just year anchors... the file starts in 1995. You might want to jump to the end of the file if you've read it before. Oh, and also check out my quotes from people I don't know page.

Oh yeah, I decided to move my claritech quotes file over here too.

This file pretty much trailed off somewhere in the summer of 2003 and I probably won't revive it -- I'm just not as into gathering quotes as I once was. So if you have come back looking for new stuff, I'm sorry. Also I have changed most occurrences of @ to # in an attempt to reduce spam for my friends, so if you wonder why some things look almost like email addresses, that is why.

[ 1996 quotes ][ 1997 quotes ][ 1998 quotes ][ 1999 quotes ][ 2000 quotes ][ 2001 quotes ][ 2002 quotes ][ 2003 quotes ][ End of File (most recent quote) ]

"I've got this feeling in my tummy, and I don't know whether it's loneliness or mexican food."
-- John Prevost, on depression and taco bell
"Max and Adam: Satan and Lucifer, or two dorks with guns?"
-- Aiton Goldman
"I'd feel terrible if I was you. It'd be a real identity crisis, and none of the pictures on my ids would look like me anymore. And I'd have to give up wearing boxers.

Wait, do you wear boxers? I'm wearing briefs at the moment and I'm not really happy about it."
-- Tim Showalter

"Lisp is like the second highlevel language. Right after Fortran."
"You mean kinda like how pork is the other white meat?"
-- exchange between Mike Duggan and me
"I don't care if he's depressed and suicidal. We are *not* naming the robo-student Kafka."
-- Jason Riek, during our 212 group project
"What, just because *you* can't see the ethernet cable coming out of my ass doesn't mean I'm not constantly logged in."
-- me, on Aiton's forgetting to zstop
"I'd rather ask Eric [Stein] for help than look it up myself. He's the Man of Steele."
-- me, at 6am during our 212 group project
"I don't think I can code anymore. If you need something to prop a door open, or to keep a bunch of papers from flying away, I'll do it."
"So, should we get a marker and write '' on your head?"
-- Jason Riek and I during 212 projects
"whoa, that's the biggest fucking binder clip i've ever seen!"
-- some random guy in wean
"Well, it wasn't that terrible, it was just that I couldn't go anywhere because I'd filled all the other rooms around me with flying monkeys!"
-- Nat Lanza, on weird dreams
"Mav is somewhat like Shawn Clayton Knight. I've never really encountered much of either of them, but somehow I've gotten to know them through other people.. they have a certain ambiance."
-- Noah Gibbs (and I know I misquoted this one.)
"I didn't screw her.. so it's not like I was OBLIGATED to find out her last name.."
-- Adam Kitchen
"being surrounded by parenthesises has something to do with being a list or something. and arguments are lists.
wow. its kinda like giving a variable a hug. surround it with parentheses.
(D tim nil)
-- Roger Wang

"I found enough copicards in the drawer to copy my ass five billion times over."
-- Aiton, on cleaning out the aphio office
"Yup, we always seem to make the same mistakes (as other people, as we have done before) but we just continue...
until someone changes our mode...

-- Tal Latimer

"dammit len, how many times have i told you not to fantasize about licking marshmallows out of my ass?!

god i hope that didn't make a quotefile."
-- Adam Rixey

"There ought to be something you can stick in your nose that will tell you when you have stuff on your face.. 'beep beep! There is a crumb on your chin..'"
-- Jason McMullan
"what the hell is jason mcmullan doing in your quotefile? you're gonna run out of ego quota, you know."
-- Len Lanphar
"and why the hell is "crumb on your chin" in the same block as "marshmallow in adam's ass"?
i don't want jason mcmullan spelunking me."
-- Adam Rixey
"yeah, but like, you could tragically fall in love with your keyboard and always be haunted by the fact that it never really loved you, and then in a murderous rage stalk around the mental institution killing people with fugues and all, smashing out their brains with high-pitched trills, and like you could write a really awesome funeral dirge, and then when everyone else in the place was dead, you would stand in the middle of all the bodies dripping with gore and gray matter, and electrocute yourself."
-- me, on why Max should commit suicide by keyboard
"Hey, that hurts when you get plonked with it! It's a hard ear!"
--Eric Stein
"just, i dunno, you two seem like you'd go together or something.
like if i were to hunt humans for sport and keep trophies,
i'd put you next to him."
-- Adam Rixey
"Phew! Nyarl embarks upon many overly nerdlike obstacles, under lame thought regarding achieving monumental insight. Can rixey (or some craftier other) somehow combine OTC pills in caffeine? Should I listein in, catching our villain's overly long creative adventure? No! One catch of nyarl's insanity - only solitude is safe."
-- Adam Rixey, to -c hacker -i pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
"Never Yell A Really Long Acronym Through Hell's Open Tempting Evil Portal."
-- John Prevost, to -c hacker -i nyarlathotep
"Imagine, like, if your primary process was fucked up. You'd be hungry, and think of your boyfriend. But then, like, when you wanted sex, you'd think of Burger King."
-- Jesse Nice, during a Personality lecture on the Id
"It'd really suck if you got hit by a big Mack on your way to get a Big Mac."
-- Jesse Nice
"I'm a big tall european-mutt-breed single weird twenty-year-old sophomore Computer Science major with long brown hair, blue eyes, and no middle name."
-- Keith Irwin
"But the *purpose* of parents is to send you lots of food!"
"But Mark, I don't *LIKE* food."
-- Mark Jensen & Megan Hazen
"Any serious warning on tupperware containing the phrase 'or tomatoes' has just got to make people laugh.. why should I not reheat things containing large quantities of tomatoes? Will it make the microwave explode?"
-- Matt Devos
"okay, enough sex. now for quake."
-- Josh Schachter, to -c hacker -i purity
"Yeah, but you can remember pi to 60 places. And you're cute."
-- Jer Blatz
"Do you really want to make graffiti.incredibly.shitty?"
-- Josh Schachter, to -c hacker -i ezmail.says
"We need to be careful to distinguish between rationality and omniscience. An omniscience agent knows the outcome of its actions, and can act accordingly; but omniscience is impossible in reality. Consider the following example: I am walking along the Champs Elysees one day and I see an old friend across the street. There is no traffic nearby and I'm not otherwise engaged, so I start to cross the street. Meanwile, at 33,000 feet, a cargo door falls off a passing airliner (See N. Henderson, "New door latches urged for Boeing 747 jumbo jets," Washington Post, 8/24/89), and before I make it to the other side of the street I am flattened. Was I irrational to cross the street? It is unlikely that my obituary would read 'Idiot attempts to cross street.'"
-- Artificial Intelligence: A Modern Approach, pp. 32
"Yeah! All of those Pitt chicks at the dance thought you were soooooo cute! They couldn't *believe* that you were a catholic boy."
-- Choli Lightfoot, to Brian Humensky
"Is that a good arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, or a bad arrrrrrrrrrrr?"
"i dunno, it's just an arrrrrrr!"
"oh. arrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
-- an exchange between me and Tim Showalter
"Um...are you paying attention, Jesus?
*I'm* in Cyert..."
-- Andrew Davenport (taken *horribly* out of context)
"sigh.. I am not dressed up... this is merely my Miami Vice look."
-- Mav
"Well, being as I was never a little boy, I asked my husband what boys play with and what they act like, and from what he said I figured out the following.

'Boys don't play with dolls, they play with trucks and guns and bugs and, if they can, they will blow things up.'"
-- Heidi Fritz, in an 85-251 lecture

"This printer is 35,000 pages short of a Maintenance kit."
-- Dave McClory
"Oh, the stuff on the floor wasn't really from a jelly donut.. it was from his CRT. I didn't notice how *powdery* it was!"
-- Mark Jensen
"I hate people, but I think I'm doing a decent job as an RA..."
-- Jason Andracki
"The really neat thing about math is that if you know you're almost right, it's a surefire sign that you're dead wrong."
-- Mark Shieh
"I wanna be Adam Rixey when I grow up."
-- Will Isenhour
"It's pretty clear how humans have sex, but how do these solution strings have sex?"
-- Shumeet Baluja
"Hey, you guys are lucky.. I wanted to give you guys a 1000-city [Traveling Salesman] problem, but Manuela said I couldn't.. so you'll be solving a wimpy 40-city version.. that was the most she'd let me do.
But I'm not bitter."
-- Shumeet Baluja
"So I had this professor at UVA that originally got me interested in CS.. and he told us this really funny quote. Wait, will I get in trouble for saying something offensive if I'm quoting someone else? [consensus: no] Ah, okay. Well, I had this teacher.. here, I'll make it less offensive. He said:

'Programs should be like your Significant Other; they should be fast and easy.'

There, I didn't use any bad words and I still have a chance at tenure."
-- Shumeet Baluja

"Okay, so there are a few different kinds of search algorithms:

Random Search: 'I know this route almost gets me home, but I think I'm just going to try a totally different route for the hell of it to see if it's faster.'

HillClimbing: 'I know this route almost gets me home, so I think I'll alter it a slight bit and see if it gets me any closer.'

Simulated Annealing: 'Well, if I'm not too tired, I'll try out some of these weird routes that I've calculated the probabilities of working, but..'

Genetic Algorithms: 'Okay, so I'll have lots of kids and let them find their way home on their own. If they make it, I'll feed them dinner.'

Funny, when I showed these slides to a bunch of graduate students, nobody laughed.."
--Shumeet Baluja (above four quotes from a series of 15-381 lectures)

"Uh, I'm an Elven Ranger again.. Death before Dwarf!"
-- Mark Jensen
"Yeah, I wouldn't be caught *dead* with a beard! Though, if I die again, you can bet that my next character will be a dwarf. With so much armor I won't even have eyes, just little slits. And screw feet.. I'll put wheels on my armor and just swing around madly! '..what? I missed again? Oh darn!'"
-- Josh Buergel
"you know you've become truly pathetic when you begin thinking of women as servers and men as clients and realizing, 'whoa, that explains everything.'"
-- Len Lanphar
"..four *hearts*, dumbass!"
-- me, to Matt "What contract are you guys in again?" Devos
"Nah, I have no problem with Cthulhu wearing high heels.. it's that Barney-ish purple tint here that just seems wrong.."
-- Jesse Nice
"uh.. is there such a thing as foodification?"
-- Marshall Warfield, during a 76-265 class on figures of speech
"it's just this sort of geeky masculinity thing here at CMU.. i mean, if you can't code in C, you're just not a real man.. and i mean, it's one thing to have a girlfriend, but it's a whole other thing to have a chick who codes. i just love chicks who code."
-- Erich Trowbridge
"you programming wenches!"
-- Brian Grunkemeyer, on the topic of chicks who code
"look, Matt, I got big ones, so make sure you don't confuse mine with yours.. I don't want to go home with the Jesus Lizard."
-- Dom Falso
"If you want a complete tour of the world, you'll have to finish in Australia."
-- Tim Showalter (during a game of Risk)
"Look, I'd just really rather be on top."
-- Adam Rixey on vegetarianism
"I'm a 21-year-old single male living alone and Showgirls *still* didn't turn me on at all."
-- Adam Rixey
"Saying Showgirls could have been better is like saying Hitler could have been nicer."
-- Len Lanphar
"adam, sometimes a nipple ring is just a nipple ring."
"and sometimes it's the other white meat?"
-- zephyrs between Len Lanphar & Adam Rixey
"no way! exploding sheep are too good for YOU!"
-- David Pinkus (during a game of Worms)
"I think I'm hating VMS just a little less now that I know how to kick it and get it to talk to me."
-- Bayani Caes
"I remember groping you frequently to get your shirt to change color."
-- Eric Stein (to Rob Trace)
"Volleyball is the perfect analogy for CS majors. You have this net, and the ball represents packets. You have to keep sending it over the net, and it is bad when it gets dropped. And if the net goes down, you're really screwed, because you can't send anything over it anymore."
-- Todd Gleason (stolen from his quotefile)
"stupid people exist for my entertainment. whee!

i just convinced somebody that they could win money if they send mail to the right people.

suddenly i feel very dogbertesque."
-- Adam Rixey (on chat rooms)

"Look over there, it's Aiton.."
(looking across street) "That's not Aiton!"
"..I think he just got off his shift at CFA."
(looking down the block) "Oh, *that* Aiton!"
"Well, which Aiton did you THINK I meant?"
-- exchange between Ben Kutler and me
"See, I'm not dangerous at all, you don't have to worry about me.. I'm totally suicidal!"
-- Aiton (during a game of Worms)
"[...] but some people refuse to hang onto a clue until it's embossed on their forehead in triplicate."
-- Lance S. Buckley
"Look, what is so WRONG about me always looking at Chris's ass?"
-- Mac Marston
"Well, of course I'm not good at this! This is the first time I've ever done it! Girls would never let me do it with them!"
-- Dave Kowalski (talking about handclapping games. really.)
"Segmentation fault. Core dumped. Mmm... Core..."
-- Alex Lozupone
"You may not be the best TA or anything, but you're definitely the most fun."
-- Nate Ramsey
"Well, you see, our 'silly function' works perfectly fine by itself.. it's when you put our 'silly function' with [your] 'big complicated program' that Bad Things happen.."
-- Matt Huenerfauth
"I can't believe it! They were committing a total foo-icide!"
-- Nate Ramsey
"There's just something wrong about Wakko on my butt."
-- Elif Konuk
"Sometimes I think I learned too much at CMU to be a fully functional member of society."
-- Scott Morrison
"I'm glad you reminded me to go here this week. Otherwise I would have forgotten that Ballroom is almost as much fun as OS."
-- Glenn Durfee
"Emacs is kinda like women. I don't understand either of them, but they're kinda neat."
-- Roger Wang (back in the spring of '95)
"We are a multidisciplinary research institution..."
-- the CMU main page
"I don't care how tall he is. I've dinked guys bigger than him."
-- Eric Stein
"If you don't know the reason for [something that happens in your poem], make up one.. it's more fun that way."
-- David Osorio
Me: "Tim hit me in the cluster the other day.."
Jensen: "He hit you in the cluster? That must hurt!"
Nat: "Yeah, I hate it someone hits my cluster.."
Keith: "I got hit in the cluster once."
-- a silly exchange in the airport lounge at 3am
"If I don't have something hitting me over the head to tell me it's a tree, I'm going to think it's a dog."
-- Michele McCormick (on confusing imagery)
"Most mimes are annoying. It's sort of like the Macarena on a smaller scale. A large number of people looking silly doing the same things over and over."
-- Keith Irwin
"pets are cool for a while, until they start ruining stuff and dying after you get attached to them, in which case they're running a net enjoyment deficit.. but then again, i don't try to dislike my parents, even though i know they're going to die someday. frown."
-- Steve Kradel
"I like it when my monitor can do the same things my neck can..."
-- me
"Datacomm taking my net connection away was the best thing anyone's ever done for me! I got five hours worth of studying done today!"
-- Roger Wang

"So you think the gerbil came in instead of the lovemaking?"
-- Sharon Dilworth
"GOTHIC is a 15-year old boy wearing a black skirt sitting on the floor in the corner of his room picking his pierced nose with a painted fingernail realizing that he is the only person on the planet who is sensitive and brilliant enough to fully comprehend the lyric 'hey, now, hey, now, now, sing this corrosion to me.'"
-- from a mailing list
"I don't know anything about science fiction.. I couldn't possibly lead a workshop on her story."
"Well, *I* don't know anything about human emotion, and I do just fine in these classes..."
-- Sharon Dilworth & Mike Ayoob
"i asked matt and erich to be my valentines.
matt said 'huh?' and erich said 'will you give me head?'
you didn't miss much."
-- Megan Hazen
"You say Carmina, and I say Carmine-a
You say Burah-na, and I say Burana
Carmina, Carmine-a
Burah-na, Burana
Let's Carl the whole thing Orff"
-- seen in a post to graffiti.mudge-underpass by someone who probly wouldn't want to be associated with it
"If you die, you're late forever. They even call you the late whatever."
-- Neal Tibrewala
"Well, the worst thing about the project was sitting there reading an 80-page report in Spanish.."
"You know Spanish?"
"I know Software Engineering Spanish.."
-- overheard in Wean Elevator
"I do suicides, he does tornadoes.."
-- Sharon Dilworth
"Remember, no prepositions, no talking dogs.."
-- Sharon Dilworth
"i'm hungry too, which is a default because i'm cconning, but on the other hand i'm cconning, therefore it's irrelevant that i'm hungry. blah blah blah. food. hunger. sigh. whoa, maybe i should like go get fries or something."
-- me
"You know, I can't remember a single crossdamned thing
from _any_ of my CS courses that doesn't involve
a) pretty pictures or b) Danny Sleator or c) pretty
pictures of Danny Sleator.

In other words..
duuuh.. bite me, theory-boy. ;)"
-- Matt McKeon

"see, of course she'd have to talk to Deanna.. she runs at a higher baud rate than the rest of us."
-- Chris Hardouin
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 16:32:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Matthew C Kurtz <>
To: Bulletin Board Administration
Subject: Re: well put

This argument is getting as annoying as a conversation with keil.

Tobin G Coziahr <> writes:
> No, that's pretty much almost exactly my take on it.  Like Monica, I
> don't believe that a god exists, but I am not willing to state that a
> god DOESN'T exist.  There is just no way of knowing, and to say that a
> god doesn't exist puts you on the same level as christians that say that
> a god DOES exist on faith alone, or those brave souls that claim to
> "talk" to a god, or Jesus.  I don't understand your comment at all,
> Adam.  If I don't want to do something because I don't believe in it, or
> I consider it arrogant, that is "retarded"?

It's your argument that's retarded.  You just described agnosticism, not
some bizarre, half-redundant agnosticism-atheism hybrid thing that
sounds like something some angst-spewing teenager hell-bent on appearing
as "open-minded" as possible would declare themselves after speedreading
too much existential lit. and bad goth poetry. If you're going to go
around using dogmas as examples of why you live your life certain ways,
you should at least know what the terms you are using really mean, even
if you're not sure whether you believe that it's possible that you may
or may not possibly maybe may or may not really believe them or not. Or

I'm going to have to go with Me-Supremacy because you are all mindless
pawns in a grand scheme that I have nefariously devised and set into


"What all of this comes down to, all of these phone calls, is that everybody wants a pony."
-- Mark Stehlik
"I mean, is Bill really just a closet wanna-be feminist?"
-- Emily Slaby
"I knew a guy whose goal was to have oral sex with 26 different women, each one with a first name beginning with a different letter of the alphabet. I mean, given, this was a particularly bad excuse for a human being, but.."
"Not entirely, I mean, you gotta give him credit, at least he could spell.."
-- Alex Lewin & Rich Svinkin
"Once an aborigine has his soul stolen he immediately becomes more photogenic because there's nothing left to take."
-- Roger Wang
"I don't like buttloads. They just don't do it for me."
-- Anu Kapoor
"godfuckingdammit take it to -c flame before i bbq all of your spleens you pathetic excuses for intelligence"
-- me, to -i help
"Disasters can occur even when there *aren't* comets in the sky.."
-- the planetarium show on Comets
"It helps if you stand about this far back and stare two feet past the picture.."
"I can't, 'cause the picture always gets in my way!"
-- me and my brother staring at a magic eye picture
"that's the trouble with big projects in CS.. everyone has to build things backwards from the top down to the top to the bottom up."
-- me, explaining the fundamentals of CS to Shannon
"I have known and worked with Kirk Yenerall for many, many years. You, sir, are no Kirk Yenerall."
-- Shawn Knight to some prekie counselor, scribbled on the 5202 whiteboard
"fprint is different than printf, isn't it.."
-- Jeff Vinocur
"..29, 30, 31. 31? I thought we had 32 students in lab."
"You started counting from *zero*, Kirk."
-- from a PGSS CS Lab session
"There's a processor zero?"
-- Keith Mathers
"no, no, no. Bimbo is bigger than Jeeter."
-- some random PGSS student at Kennywood
"When you are trying to solve an imaginary problem that does not exist, the answer is e."
-- Juan Schaffer
"For Jeff to print 'f' did Jeff print fprint or did Jeff print fprintf?"
-- me, in CS lab
"Dee, quit insulting spacemonkeys like that. I know some very nice, cool spacemonkeys. aw2s was not one of them."
-- Adam Rixey
"I unplugged my head because it was getting in the way."
-- Ben "Gamble" Campbell
" at this point we've gotten that 2 times any number is even."
-- John Morrison, after one hour of working on a problem
" know, like animals, and plants, and things that fly, like trees.."
-- Kate Jacobsen
"Contrary to popular belief, Tom Groff is NOT Ben Campbell."
-- someone at the PGSS reunion
"Caffeine is good; Sleep is better."
-- Mark Jhon, giving words of wisdom to PGSS '97
"We've already established that one equals one, except for when one doesn't equal one."
-- Keith Bonawitz
"Hi Dana's answering machine.. umm.. I'm not going to be able to make it to your wedding.. and well.. Happy Wedding! I'll get to your party later and give you your present.. Happy Wedding again!"
-- Aiton Goldman
"i think hootie and the blowfish would be much better if someone fucked hootie up the butt. i mean it, that boy needs to be sodomized for his music to get better."
-- Megan Hazen
"I have nothing against God; it's his fan club I can't stand."
-- Cort Stratton
"Oh, I wasn't saying there was [anything wrong with English]. I almost graduated with an English minor, you know."
"Funny, so did I."
-- exchange between Mark Stehlik and me during vball
"The fact that he got this huge penis-sized computer just didn't sit right with me."

"...I mean, I feel like he put in the computer guy just to be gratuitous, you know, he doesn't want his wife back, he just wants a computer."
-- Dave Osorio, both quotes from fiction workshop

"See, the point is that we all want to see the doofus get it."
-- Dennis Johnson
"I'd rather have a beer than get married."
"That's okay, I'd rather get married than have a beer."
-- Megan Hazen, Keith Irwin
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 18:59:59 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Irwin <>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <>
Subject: Re: god help us...

Excerpts from graffiti.wanderlust: 17-Sep-97 Re: god help us... by Jason
C Riek 
> rtfm joke

% rtfm joke
rtfm: 'JOKE' not found in index file
Searching your path
No help or man pages available for JOKE

Thanks Jason, BIG help!


Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 10:31:44 -0400 (EDT)
From: Marc Gabriele <>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <>
Subject: Re: god help us...

You just didn't look hard enough...hth

% rtfm joke

joke(1)                                        joke(1)

    joke - cause outbursts of wild hilarity in remote host

    joke -s setup punchline -pir

    joke attempts to cause a humorous response in the remote host by the
transmission of punchline. 

    -s setup = used if the joke requires a header.
    -p = joke is a pun
    -i = joke is an inside joke (no setup allowed)
    -r = joke is a running gag (no setup required)

    joke has the following return values

    :) = joke was successfully transmitted
    :| = joke was garbled in transmission
    :( = joke violated remote host's /etc/permissions file


"What's wrong with being fascinated by homicidal clowns?"
-- Bill Schulz
"I find it hard to develop tension with popsicles."
-- Dennis Johnson
"...the shortest horror story ever written."
"Which is what, 'BOO!'?"
"No, 'The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.'"
-- Carrie Schutrick, Dennis Johnson
"I was more satisfied by Deanna's [hundred-word story]. Maybe I felt like yours was merely stalling, counting words.."
-- Dennis Johnson
"Dave can write more of an ending in 43 words than in 10 pages."
-- Mav
"I decree. We shall all go hard copy."
-- Dennis Johnson
"Even the HORSE has character."
-- Dennis Johnson
"I think it's gonna be a BIG mama when you get done with it."
"A what?"
"A long story, y'know?"
-- Dennis Johnson, Dave Osorio
"Wow, there were questions to be answered...

Favorite movies: Apocolypse Now, except for the ending. Blade Runner, especially the ending, and this movie about a guy in Mexico, the name of which I can't remember but it's the only one where I've laughed enough to be thrown out of the theater. Oh yeah, and I hate unix.

Sexual Preferences: File not found.

Free Association: Membership fee not required."
-- Roger Wang

"If you're gonna spew, spew on babailey."
-- Cort Stratton
"I guess I picked the wrong night to stay up all night, huh?"
"There are a LOT of ECE majors on my zwatch..."
-- me & Rob Slater
"I'm one of the most contrary people I know."
-- Larry Greenfield
"I don't really care whether or not I'm in your quotefile. Infact, you wanna know why I don't care whether or not I'm in your quotefile?"
"You suck."
-- Larry Greenfield
"Amen sister. But I still want a big "Hi" wrapped in 14 layers of frames while the little not on top of the eye is racing around the screen eating up bandwidth. And if the page takes less than 12 minutes to load, you've not done your job."
-- Doug Bright
"You always struck me more as the English type. I know two people with English degrees and CS backgrounds. They both are tech writers and do code documentation. I hope you won't be doing code documentation. You might find gouging out your own eyes more satisfying."
-- Doug Bright
"Women don't like to pee in the woods, but they think men do!"
-- Dennis Johnson
"I only sleep on the floor when I'm REALLY messed up."
-- Dennis Johnson
"The New Yorker is NOT the Oakland Review..."
-- Mav
"I know who Scylla and Charybdis are, but I don't get why they're wearing fishnets and leather.."
-- Mav
"I think I'm going to start one for Star Trek fans.. it'll be called Fan-Sick."
-- Dennis Johnson on fanfic
"Don't show the prom! More sex!"
-- Dennis Johnson
"Put a little more sexual tension in it at the prom and that solves all your problems."
-- Stacey Jenkins
"You know, when your clothes start reading books, maybe that's a sign that you should wash them."
-- Bill Schulz
"Men do not feel emotional pain."
-- Dennis Johnson
"Nothing like sleeping on the couch outside the room your girlfriend is sleeping with another guy in to make you have a revelation."
-- Dennis Johnson
"Not since the movie Swingers have I seen a more pathetic male character."
-- Stacey Jenkins
"..well, I guess [the main character in Carrie's story] is believable as a male, although I'd be sitting there like, 'dude. what's your problem.' I mean, why hasn't someone slapped this guy around yet?"
-- Dave Reinoehl (slightly misquoted)
"..he cries for one and a half pages, which is a long time in fiction time, which is kinda like dog years, but more about that later."
-- Dennis Johnson
"..and, if I've stuck a wand of Dispel down my pants.."
-- Bryan Nagy
"Is that a Potion of Lubrication (tm) in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
-- Rob Slater
"You can't bop her with that.. she's a girl."
-- someone, I forget who, at Capture the Flag
"Oh, Dee, you're never going to believe what I found in my pants last night.."
-- Ken Strickland (talking about a potion from CtF.. really.)
"You're not a dumbfuck.. you're just an ambitious fuck."
-- Cort Stratton
"I would avoid ML like the plague, except that it might be useful to learn it in 212 so that you don't get raped by it in 312."
-- Chris Chiappa
"..the graphic layout is great.. my only real problem with this is that I have no idea why he's asking what color my panda is."
-- Ryan Prichard (slightly misquoted)
"299 is a theory course. It teaches you how to think like a computer scientist.

211 is a programming course. It teaches you how to swear like a computer scientist..."
-- David Baraff (paraphrased from the freshman IC on g.quotes)

"..but what I wanted to see was more cursing.. you know, to give it more atmosphere."
"''cause we all know stock boys curse like sailors."
"Like pirates."
"ARR, Matey, give me the diapers!"
-- stan "the man" tran, dennis johnson, mike strauss, laura valentine, dennis johnson.
"..a smattering of new shows about people running an inn in Maine and finding themselves surrounded by Mainiacs.."
-- Dennis Johnson
"What I like about short stories is that they find the drama in the little things in life."
-- Dennis Johnson
"A woman has NEVER convinced me to kill someone."
-- Dennis Johnson
"I've actually ASKED my mother to set me up on blind dates and she won't do it."
-- Dennis Johnson
"What, you mean you don't think I could have a lucrative career as a gigolo?"
-- Rob Slater
"Don't make me go Alanis on your ass!"
--Chuck Werner
"...they thought you guys were very skillful and couldn't believe you'd only been studying Japanese for two months."
"Damn, they must not have talked to [Won-san].."
-- Wada-sensei, some random person in Japanese class
Note from Deanna: I'm not the only one who has fiction workshop quotes online! So stop bugging me about it, Dennis!
"well, no wonder Chris Holly isn't here, i mean, cmon, you go around without a shirt in the middle of winter.."
-- Dennis Johnson
"I've only got one question: Who made my bed?"
-- Rob Slater
"If I was going to be attracted to another species besides humans, it'd obviously be horses."
-- Dave Osorio
"To Dennis - may your first novel be a masculine one."
-- Dave Osorio
"I'm really annoyed that I can't run Quake 2 on my abacus. Maybe I should get some more beads for it."
-- Ryan Ingram
"Oh, you mean, once you get in a relationship, it isn't just a race to see who can break up with the other one first?"
-- Larry Greenfield
"yeah.. i know.. its really a 1-1-1 ratio.. 1 guy 1 girl 1 geek.."
-- Tom McElroy
"I told him not to boot netscape. not only did it crash my computer, but it crashed your computer, broke your glasses, made you get a B in chemistry, broke your car, killed my cat.. fucking netscape."
-- me, to my brother on the phone
"I like keeping my computer full of shit, do you mind? It's just like my kids, full of shit."
-- Mike Rubin (my dad)

"Serfs have some enjoyment in life, I mean, they have beer.."
"..and the temples have prostitutes, and that's a lot of fun."

"Peter Stearns is very interested in sex, so if you don't understand something in the textbook it probably has something to do with sex."
-- both from Jim Longhurst, world history section I recitation TA

"I can accept Mike's Pants as a separate sovereignty. However, I refuse to have economic relationships with them."
-- Andrew Alford
"Dutch people used to brush their teeth with human urine and praise its ability to clean and whiten them. Most of you are culturally unable to do this.. well, while sober, at least."

"College used to be where you learned to smoke. Now you learn.. other good habits."

"Your musical preferences I do not understand though I know you like them only to annoy me."
-- Peter Stearns, during a world history lecture

"Michael Jackson, for those of you who don't know, is one of the founders of Software Engineering."
-- Jeanette Wing (referring to a different michael jackson, but..)
"I have never missed the toilet. Well, except that one time when we went past that statue.."
-- Josh Lindner
"Taking math classes is like blowing my toes off. I've run out of toes and now I'm worried about blowing my whole foot off."
-- Dean Jackson
"Uh... redneck doesn't start with an N."
-- general comment in the CS lounge
"Toukeigaku ga suki ja nai. Nai! Nai! Nai!"
-- amusing zephyr from Kevin Shiue
"So I was fixing my monitor, and like, I thought I was completely done, and then I went down the hall to take a piss, and in the meantime some asshole came into my room and turned all the switches down to zero.. so when I came back and turned it on, absolutely nothing seemed to happen.. you know, 'cause everything was set to zero.. so I got really pissed and took my wrench and slammed it into the monitor.. and it united all the metal and the wires and ran through to the ground and it literally blew up.. I mean it must have been 1000 degrees celcius.. it even melded the wrench to it.. dude.. i mean.. well.. it sucked!"
"Mmmm.. arcwelding."
"Like, yeah, I mean, if it weren't for insulation.."
-- Marcin Krieger, on fixing monitors

they rule. *sigh*. if you can't touch, can't speak, can't win, can't hold them, they still set you on fire and make you go, and they are still beautiful.

keep it, feed it. get more."
-- jessica alice "george" smith, on crushes.

To: +dist+/afs/andrew/scs/cs/undergrad/sac/
Subject: reminder
Date: Wed, 18 Feb 98 13:02:49 EST

The next SAC meeting is tomorrow, Thursday, at 4:30 in the lounge.  See you for
pizza and beer...


Well, no beer.

"Noam Chomsky is my arch-nemesis."
-- Bill Schulz
"Hello genre my old friend,
We're here to talk to you again.."
-- Paul Hopper
"The south is usually the happy hunting ground of weird verb forms."
-- Paul Hopper
"..for example, English does not have a future."
-- Paul Hopper, on verb tenses
"'Someone has been putting dead spiders in the ash trays.'

A lot of these sentences are autobiographical, you know, to include random details from my life.. for example, you know how everyone says they remember exactly what they were doing when President Kennedy was shot? Well, when President Kennedy was shot, I was playing pool at Garibaldi's saloon..

<long pause> ..why am I telling you this?"
-- Paul Hopper

"..that's good, Keith, that's good, Keith. You may graduate yet. I'm sure I'll miss you when you go.. if you go.."
-- Mark Stehlik
"Maybe we should steam-clean some of our students."
-- Mark Stehlik
"We should have gotten these couches, you know, with timers in them, so every two hours they'd fall over like <big thunking motion>..."
-- Keith Irwin, on people sleeping in the CS lounge
"It's not really a whiteboard. It's more of an off-whiteboard."
-- Mark Stehlik
"How does Surge sell? Surge does well when something's due.."
-- Mark Stehlik
Date: Sat, 21 Feb 1998 19:55:37 -0500 (EST)
From: Matthew M Mckeon <>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <>
Subject: Equilibrium [sort of]

        I am a senior.
        I am leaving soon.
        For the past year or so, I have regarded CMU
        as a job more than anything else.
        I hang out with my friends, drink too much,
        smoke too much, and go dancing almost every week.
        I like this arrangement.

        When I was a freshman, I received a bid from KDR.
        They seemed like a nice group of guys, 
        and since one or two wore big-ass combat boots 
        I thought I might fit in nicely. 
        Then I went to greek sing. Then I saw buggy.
        Then I went to my first frat party.
        I laughed a lot. Most of the "contributions"
        fraternities claim they make 
        seem to me to be an incredible waste of time.
        Huge parties that serve piss beer, 
        where you can barely talk to your friends over the noise,
        buggy (which I've _never_ understood the point of),
        greek sing (annoying and pathetic), etc.
        Plus the squalorous living conditions,
        lack of privacy, forced acceptance of people
        you may not like as "brothers", conformity...

        well.. these are just my *opinions* of frats.
        I *personally* find fraternities to be ridiculous.
        However, since hydroencephalitic twits like Alfie Kao 
        hate people like me anyway, this is irrelevant.
        You, gentle reader, may believe that your fraternity
        is the best thing to happen in your life 
        since you discovered the wonderful feeling
        brought on by rubbing your dangly bits. 
        And neither of us would be more or less right than the other.

        I say live and let live. The frat boys I have met
        (and the friends who turned into frat boys)
        have on the whole been nice, genuine people,
        if a bit shallow and boring in some respects.
        And really, it all comes down to the human factor,
        doesn't it?

        As long as I do not have to support frats,
        as long as their attitudes and behavior
        do not impact negatively upon my life 
        or the lives of those people I care about, 
        more power to them.
        After all, if I act to restrict their freedom
        to live as they like, 
        they, then, have the right to interfere
        with my debauched little corner of existence. 
        And neither of us want that, do we?

   mmm --

"If anyone else there wants a piece of meat..
<amidst rampant laughter> ..uhh.. I'll just go out to the grill and be embarrassed for the next three minutes."
-- Jason Riek
"365 units.. not only are you covered, but you even have your fuckup leeway.."
"Uhhh.. I don't want to fuck up Li and Wei."
-- me & Kevin Shiue
"We never won because my team was playing Capture the Stuff with Flags.. we got all the other team's stuff, but then they got our flag..."
-- Carl Meister
"...but I keep reverting to Japanese..."
"That's a major character flaw, isn't it?"
-- me & Marcin Jeske
"..oh look, and you logged in oh WOW! look another person logged in.. oh wow! oh look.. oh wait. <looks around>"
-- Kevin Shiue, getting too excited over seeing so many people log in at once on his .anyone when we were all logging in together in Wean
"This is the first copy of page 127a, which I got curry on at lunch yesterday. Then I recopied it onto this sheet, which I put on the floor during my computer vision class with some binders on top of it. Little did I know, that where I put it, was on top of someone's coffee stain. So here is my third copy..
I am now going to deliberately spill this bottle of orange soda on it."
-- Carl Meister
"80's green has thankfully left us."
-- Scott Robbins
"You remember that hand at the last table against Jimmy? Well, that's your first mistake.."
-- Mark Jensen
"I'm kinda bored. You don't suppose anyone here plays bridge, do you?"
-- Mark Jensen, at a duplicate bridge club
"Wow, we were pair 10 and are now pair 4.. we metamorpha.. i mean, metamorphased.. metamorphosed.. uh.. we changed."
-- me, at a bridge game
"Oh, yeah, from now on I'm gonna call my prick Sir Speedy."
-- Josh Lindner
"I noticed I haven't made it onto your web page lately. Maybe you should take notes on my reading, so you'll have some more material."
-- Dennis Johnson (hi dennis!!!!!! at least SOMEONE reads my web pages..)
"When I sleep less, I curse more."
"So if we put you in a coma you'd become a priest?"
-- Mark Stehlik, Marcin Krieger
"That's where we have the extinguished lecturer series."
-- Mark Stehlik
"..shut up and eat your haggus!"
-- Mark Stehlik
" mean, you have 18 people who can actually code and get something done?"
"Believe it or not, lots of people can code, Rem..."
-- Rem Svarcas, Scott Robbins
"..and now there will be hate mail from the orange lover.."
-- Mark Stehlik
"pot.. kettle.. black.."
"hole.. shovel.. deeper.."
-- Jon Betz & Mark Stehlik (talking about Marcin Krieger)
"..and I asked if they were out of their collective fucking minds.."
-- Mark Stehlik
"..huh huh.. we can't fire him.. let's have him teach Calculus!"
-- Mark Stehlik, on Math professors
" just make them teach a course that nobody would ever want to take.. like Special Topics in Rectal Pain.."
-- Keith Irwin
"..and people like this should not be teaching intro courses.. they should be TAKING intro courses.."
-- Marcin Krieger
"Kevin is so warpish it isn't even funny."
-- Zach Loafman
..and I'm doing this whole thesis thing, which basically means I need to spend lots of time thinking about things and then eventually write them all down.."
-- James Cheney
"My boss told me I wasn't very good at talking to two-year-olds, but I'm pretty sure the actual problem is that he doesn't make a very good two-year-old."
-- Becca Stallings
"..and then I lived in South Florida, which is basically New York.."
-- Ben Ernest-Jones
" can still stand up, even if you might not be able to have children.."
-- Mike Haefele
"No, no, disturbing is okay. I like disturbing. It's the violence thing I can't handle."
-- Kevin Shiue
"I don't think I've ever met anyone quite as schedule-screwed as you."
-- Carl Meister
"Have you ever felt like your life is an NDFA with no accepting state?"
-- Joel Young
"I'm a very frat person."
-- Marcin Krieger
"I have had my quota of sex for the semester."
-- Marcin Krieger
"Oh.. that's it.. your mom's the missing link.."
-- Chris Allwein
"..because she knows, as well as I know, as well as you know, that you're missing quite a few links.."
-- Kevin Shiue
"Deanna, I hardly ever see you normal."
"You have no default."
-- Christy Gill, Kevin Shiue
"...and that's why you SEDATE the fish first.."
-- Carl Meister
"Daijoubu desu ne, Rubin-san desu ne, Laskin-san ja naindakara, ii desu ne.."
-- Takahashi-sensei (on turning in late homeworks)
"..this is the POINT of this class.. this is GRAMMAR.. we all speak ENGLISH.. this is where we figure out WHY and HOW we speak English."
-- Paul Hopper
"When my son was seven years old, he and his friends were painting with watercolors, and I told them, 'Don't upset the water,' and there was stunned silence for a while, till my son leaned over to his friend like 'He means don't knock it over. He's English,' as if that explained everything."
-- Paul Hopper
"Let me say that I apologize for the English language."
-- Paul Hopper
"..and after that, it recognized.. 15. Uh. I think this is the wrong version of the code.."
-- Brad Anderson, during our final presentation for 15-413
"It's hard to wax philosophical about things that just suck."
-- Megan Hazen
"oops, that should be to breathe, to eat, to live zephyr.
I made it sound like I was talking about eating live zephyrs."
-- Brad Keryan
"Can I request that you write this exam after you have a good lunch.. or a nice nap..?"
-- Peter Mikulik
"It's really, really important that the entire world knows when I need to pee. I'm going to install a light above my head that goes on like "HEY, HOLLY NEEDS TO PEE!!""
-- Holly Matthews
"the semester is finally over and all my B's are coming in.."
-- Daniel Rubin
"..and nobody is allowed to sleep in this bed besides me except Roman.."
"uhh, do you often sleep beside Roman?"
"APART from me, nobody is allowed to sleep in this bed.."
-- Carl Meister
"Political Affiliation?
I like setting ants on fire;
which ever party likes that."
-- Ben Ernest-Jones (from his planfile)
"It's not so much winning the race so much as finishing in style."
-- Dan Rosenberry
"It's a good futon. It passed the cat test."
-- Andrew Alford
"It wasn't procrastination, because procrastination implies that you put something off intending to actually DO it someday.."
-- Alex Lewin
"...and we are sure you [H&SS graduates] will also make your mark on the world, although we haven't the faintest idea how.."
-- Peter Stearns
"Graffiti.Larry-sucks doesn't exist anymore because I STOPPED SUCKING!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!"
-- Larry Greenfield
"SQL is code like my ass.."
-- Roger Wang
"Beginning with sendmail 8.9, these checks have become more strict to prevent users from being able to access files they would normally not be able to read. In particular, .forward and :include: files in unsafe directory paths (directory paths which are group or world writable) will no longer be allowed. This would mean that if user joe's home directory was writable by group staff, sendmail would not use his .forward file. This behavior can be altered, at the expense of system security, by setting the DontBlameSendmail option."
-- from the sendmail.8.9.0 README file
"What's the problem? Oh. <to Jason, while getting out a $5 bill> Yeah, it was Amanda. Damn. <to the people on the phone> Huh? Oh, I just lost a bet. Yeah, okay. I'll fix it soon..."
-- Tim Showalter
"I am a woman. We don't say what we want but we do reserve the right to get pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating, and not a little bit scary."
-- Lydia in Sliding Doors (stolen from Larissa Kasian's planfile originally)
"Headquartered at Carnegie Mellon University in a plush but nondescript contemporary building that fairly screams Built with Federal Dollars, CERT/CC is as close as the global computer network comes to having a police force, which isn't very close. The agency doesn't investigate crimes, can't arrest anyone, and has no statutory authority whatsoever."
-- Charles C. Mann, in article "Hackers and Crackers", Boston Magazine March 1996
"Oh, great! We have another whole week of Deanna!"
-- Linda Pesante (my boss at CERT)
"Uhhh, we just passed Wightman, so if any of you wanted to get off at Wightman.. it's back there.. guess you'll all just have to walk.. Forbes and Murray, next stop.."
-- Carol, the nutso 61A bus driver
"So here you have these three guys, valedictorians, perfect candidates for med school, and they're out putting out phat rap albums. Not your typical group.."
-- Rob Liebscher
"All systems come with a one year warranty on parts and 3 years on labor. This warranty does not cover acts of god, misuse or software related problems."
-- A-1 PC ad in the Pennysaver
"..and nobody is videotaping my ass this year."
-- Matt Solitro
"It's just C with some extra crap."
-- David Fetterman (on Java)
"'What is computer science'? It's a big thing. It's a big ugly thing, and I can't even begin to explain all of it."
-- Carl Burch (cburch)
"Oh, no. I just made this up. I don't know if there really is an answer."
-- Carl Burch, lecturing the PGSS CS core.
"A lot of you have said that you haven't done any programming before, and you're not sure you can handle it. <long pause> Well... I'm not going to say 'Don't worry', but..."
-- Carl Burch
"I'm saving myself for the Pirates."
-- Vinod Rajakumar
"I don't understand about days off - we just, like, take off? When we have stuff to do? We just don't do it? Huh?"
-- Matt Leerberg
"The tighter you do it, the kinkier it gets."
-- Ari Wassner (on hair braiding. really.)
"oh it was lots of fun.
while we were washing the grey one, the black cat jumped up on the sink and was looking at the other cat like 'why are you in the sink? how come you're all wet?' Then when her turn came around, she was like 'oh shit, i know what's going on here...' not a happy cat."
-- Andy Alford, describing giving my cats a bath. (thanks)
"Oh my god, it has buttons!"
-- Dave Krych, on xemacs
<Romanov> Scott's an idiot sometimes, we all know that
> sometimes?
<Romanov> there ARE theoretical times when he isn't
<Dvarin> The state exists on the machine, but the arrows to it are few.
-- exchange on irc (romanov = Roman Mitz, dvarin = Carl Meister)
"I don't think I've ever heard anyone say 'wheeeeeee!' while watching their programs compile..."
-- Jim Anderson
"To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not."
-- Roland Reagan's .sig file
"..and there have been some new functions invented, such as Pvm_pkballoon(), and Pvm_tag(), and some new sending routines, like Pvm_hurl().. no, that doesn't refer to chunks, it refers to water balloons."
-- Kirk Yenerall
"How's it going, Krych?"
"Well, I think we're done breeding.."
"Uh, are you sure?"
-- Dave Fetterman, Dave Krych
"The computer is masochistic."
"It wants to put itself in check."
"It's like, hit me, kill me, take me, dammit!"
-- some combination of Dave Fetterman and Eric Leese
"..and now we're going to have processor 1 do a little workout.."
-- Jonathan Wolfe
"At least pvm_my_tit() is close to a real pvm function, unlike pvm_my_ass()..."
-- Steve Marx
"Whoa, that just raised an awful lot of pvm_my_asses.."
-- Steve Marx
"We made western Pennsylvania dominate eastern Pennsylvania because the person who drinks pop in the relationship is obviously the dominant one."
-- Tony Canale
"..and this piece of our apparatus, which we called Cburch after a bit of insomnia and a slight resemblance."
-- Blaine Stuart
"According to the textbooks and Guys Like Barry, the expected CMC for CTAB is about 9.2 * 10^-4 M.
According to us.. yeah, we'll buy that."
-- Sarah Blackman (on a presentation slide)
"hey - any new breakthroughs in wean?"
"Oh, nothing much, the genetic algorithms are running well, but other than that and the fact that tim said he'd rape me from happiness, nothing.."
-- Dave Krych
"It's not the fucking bacon!"
-- Andrew Alford
"I'm so pissed I'm going to throw this checkbook out the window..."
<andrew walks in a few minutes later with the checkbook>
"..hey, baka, you left your checkbook next to Brad's car..."
-- Kevin Shiue, Andrew Alford
"Why is everybody sitting in my chair?"
-- Andrew Alford
"there are no good excuses... maybe your grandfather died for the fifth time?"
-- Erick Langer
"See, I'm a real person! I have a dog, two kids..."
-- Peter Berget
"I feel like I'm typecasting my life away..."
-- Brad Keryan
"Titanic? oh, you mean that movie.. about that guy.. yeah, that guy.. and that girl.. and that boat.. in that ocean.. hitting that iceberg.."
"Oh, so it's actually the name of the iceberg?"
"No, it's the name of that guy!"
"It's not the fucking iceberg!"
-- various reviews of Titanic seen on the CS Lounge whiteboard

deannaology; n. The science of trying to figure out just what it is that is going through Deanna's head, as well as trying to deduce from her postings to graffiti just who the heck it is she is talking about, and then just trying to make her smile because she looks so cute when she smiles, well, cuter than Oren anyway."
-- Chris Allwein

"So I think this whole thing is sort of a protection issue. You're kind of like my little sister that I never had and just happens to be older than I am."
-- Chris Allwein
"That's because crack is one syllable. What am I supposed to say, you're on coke? They might think I meant soda."
-- Kevin Shiue, on crack (well, not literally)
"This is charming, but I have to go back home to my computer now."
-- Dave Koes
" I think there's a sexual relationship between the night and the narrator [of the poem]... am I crazy?"
-- Marshall Warfield
"Rain is a plural entity."
"I suppose.. it comes in droplet form.."
-- Donovan Chase, Nicole Cook
"The only connection I can make is that women with three arms cause him pain and rejection."
-- Marshall Warfield
"We angst about the things we hate and can do nothing about because we have no control over other people. Knowing that we can do nothing should be reason enough to forget and move on, yet we cannot because we wish so much to change the things we believe in our heads."
-- Christina Simone
"Of course, this makes me wonder why I'm a registered Republican voter, it's sure as hell not for the sex...."
-- Kevin Shiue
"Man... forgetting a userid... any userid... it's like yelling the wrong name during sex!"
-- Seth Kingman
"Dee! It's amazing.. I just used that.. phone thing.. it's like zephyr, but with sound... it's phenomenal!"
-- Scott Robbins
"Rem can go from zero to Wei in under a second..."
-- someone in the CS lounge
"well, [my priority queue] is not broken really.
but I'm a shitty OS.
my timeslices are too long, I can't handle interrupts very well, and I keep generating random exceptions."
-- Brad Keryan
"Okay, I've got an announcement, and it has nothing to do with Dylan dropping his pants."
-- Chuck Lee, world history TA
"Ramen is what you get when you combine nothing with starch. Then you add plastic wrapping around it.."
-- Carl Eastlund
"If you're going to eat something, then you really ought to eat food!"
-- Carl Eastlund
"That's because a lot of people aren't doing threading, but we are, 'cause we're cool like that."
-- Andrew Alford
"Trash is the great equalizer."
-- Scott Robbins
"A dollar bill is like a sheep - its utility is different for different people..."
-- Scott Robbins
"I've been practicing a new motivation exercise: self-help through apathy."
-- Carl Meister
"I have yet to see a Vorlon hiding inside a plastic bag, running up a wall after a laser pointer, or chasing its own tail."
-- Heather Keith
"..the ping-pong table probably would have lasted much longer if we used it for its intended purpose."
"No.. that's what the COUCHES were for."
-- Mark Stehlik, Zach Loafman
"How about I silkscreen the dragon right on his back?"
-- Mark Stehlik, referring to getting Justin Jensen a baby scs t-shirt
"We could pilot [OLR] on REAL guinea pigs, but they don't WANT to take Networks."
-- Mark Stehlik
"It's the pony problem, and I'm awfully short on ponies."
-- Mark Stehlik
"The problem is that after 212, the heavens open, and you can do whatever the heck you want."
-- Mark Stehlik
"Fine, not points, ponies.
And if you put enough ponies on one course, you're probably going to get it."
-- Mark Stehlik
"I could have preregistered you for bullshit.."
-- Mark Stehlik
"You can't get OS out of the philosophy department."
-- Jon Betz
"And I think that the sooner you get used to the fact that occasionally there's an empty column in the coke machine, the better off psychologically you will be."
-- Mark Stehlik
"How'd I break my glasses? I was having way too much of a Kevin day.. I walked right into a door."
-- Oren Laskin
"Oh! No! All mixed up!"
-- So-sensei, in response to Nathan Clark's obfuscated Japanese
"What do you call those, you know, date rape drugs? Roofies? Yeah.. did someone give all of you people roofies today?"
-- Chuck Lee, world history TA, on the last day of class
"Yeah, but when I'm bored I don't sit there licking my butt."
-- Cort Stratton, on cats.
"Yeah, but this was coming from Kevin, who's *more* confused than a sheep."
-- Rehana Rodrigues
"No, all I did was take a final without wearing underwear."
-- Ross Cohen
"Why the hell are we stalking people on a low-bandwidth connection?"
-- me and Nate Ramsey

"Souledge is made of fire, that's why sparks don't shoot out his ass."
-- Li Qiu
"At least now I'm sleeping next to my computer again, where it belongs."
-- Kevin Shiue
"Uh, Jesus Christ is NOT from New Jersey."
-- Carl Eastlund
"What, do you expect your mother to call up and say, 'My god, Tony, you're on FIRE!'?"
-- Chris Hardouin, on cellphones
"In fact most lounge-rats can't get enough of it this semester. Why else would I be able to walk into the lounge at 5 am and not be greeted by loud squeals of excitement from ecstatic people apparently intoxicated by strange runes on tiny rectangles of stiff paper?"
-- Kaustuv Chaudhuri
"I did homework here, 'cause if I'd stayed in my room, I would have been sleeping. Or watching porn."
-- Li Qiu
"i dunno, but trolling graffiti doesn't count as masturbation in my book."
"that's okay; i only need one hand to do either."
-- mds2, mwallace (on a graffiti board)
"Does anyone here know what morendo means? [referring to a mark in the music]"
"It's the opposite of lessendo, right?"
-- Mr. Gerlach, Mike Wallace
"You have to learn to shit before you can fly."
-- Jim Bruce
"Hit me. I dare you."
"Don't DARE me, stupid!"
-- Chris Allwein, Mark Stehlik
"What's wrong with Scheme..? In 20 words or less, please."
"It's not ML."
-- Mark Stehlik, Eric Kadehjian
"I'm sure their algorithms group was a little less than satisfied with their warm body.. he was sort of cold."
-- Shelby Davis
"It could be worse, you could be attending the Windows 2000 lecture.."
-- Mark Stehlik
"Someone who wants an overview of OS without 18 units of hell would take 410, then. I wanted to call it 'OS Lite', but..."
-- Mark Stehlik
"They'd be writing man pages my ass!"
"There's a man page on your ass?"
"Oh, so that would be RTFA?"
-- Mark Stehlik, Chris Allwein, Shelby Davis
"Have you ever had two cups of espresso in front of you and plunked your face right down into it?"
"No, but I'd pay good money to see that!"
-- Dean Jackson (on 15-453), Mark Stehlik
"So I made an effort to insult as many people in Warner Hall as possible. There are places where I won't show my face for fear of being shot. I've got a name for myself over there now. You know, I went to this meeting the other day, and we were all introducing ourselves, and this one lady was like 'YOURE MARK STEHLIK!?' as if I were the devil or something, and by the end of the meeting, she was convinced I was a reasonable person and all, but..."
-- Mark Stehlik
"Bad idea: reaching next to you, where both your yogurt and soda sit, grabbing what you think is the yogurt and shake it up, only to realize that this yogurt container feels rather metalic.

I think I'll go get a different soda."
-- Jason Riek

"Well, if I could run very, very quickly, I could run at close to the speed of light for five minutes in the morning, and when I stopped, it would be afternoon around me. However, I'd really mess up my sleep schedule."
-- Dan Hennessy
"I need a playstation of my own to love and cuddle, I've decided. My torrid affair with Oren's is just leading to my own destruction.. and I'm beginning to feel bad about sneaking into his room whe he's not home so it can satisfy my videogame urges. It must feel so *used*..."
-- me
"You've got to bring it into the open. Stop sneaking around. Tell Oren the truth.. maybe he'll be comfortable with the idea of sharing his playstation with another woman..."
-- cort
"No, not really. Even the Pitt chick went back to Chick. Err, I mean, Pitt."
-- Carl Meister
"I sense a change in the air these days.. Sam, did you change the brand of crack you're smoking this semester?"
-- Josh Lindner
"I just want you all to know that I have Cosmic Gas."
"We don't need to know about your bodily functions like that, Li."
-- Li Qiu, Carl Meister (during a Cosmic Encounter game)
"oh, I have a good one,
take a personality test.
then have your significant other take it for you.

the results are often quite amusing,
especially when a bunch of couples do it,
(please don't quote me out of context)"
-- Mike Schuresko (in context)

 the_Asylum Instance syndication {Broadcast} Message at 10:42:11 on Tue Mar  2 

"Tip of the day: When trying to get a comic strip syndicated, do not submit
strips that include the phrase "colostomy bag."

                                     I forgot what lettuce is. <bc3p> on unix13
 the_Asylum Instance syndication {Broadcast} Message at 10:45:51 on Tue Mar  2 

I was going to suggest having a main character who is
not an inanimate object.

                                  Keith Irwin <kirwin#DEMENTIA.ORG> on meep.res
 the_Asylum Instance syndication {Broadcast} Message at 10:43:41 on Tue Mar  2 

"Boink the Colostomy Bag"

                                         Gringo <jason#THEKEEP.ORG> on phantasm

"I stopped going after Brad when I realized how strong the competition was."
-- Kevin Shiue, on trying to get an OS partner.
"Deanna's an English major, so she knows how to frame it in a positive aspect."
"No, Deanna's a woman, so she has tact."
-- Roman Mitz, Chris Allwein
"I don't know where he's getting this from, since Carl's pregnant."
"I am not. I just had a craving for noodles."
-- Kevin Shiue, Carl Meister
"I forgot, I forgot, I forgot... where's our phone?"
-- Kevin Shiue
"hmm, I think I just made the last change my boss requested, and now he's gone for a week. Maybe I'll sit in the hall with a 'Will work for work' sign..."
-- Mark Jensen
"2/17 ASSAULT, 7:19 pm -- Four CMU students were sitting at a table in the computer science undergraduate lounge in Wean Hall. Another student arrived and sat down and shook the table as a joke. One of the original four repeated the shake to jest back at the new arrival. At this point, one of the other students stood up from the table, glaring at the male who repeated the gesture. He told him, "I'm sick of your shit!" and punched him in the jaw. The victim stood up to defend himself, but another student got between them, preventing any further altercation.
The victim went to the Campus Police station to report the assault. He told an officer that he and his attacker hadn't had any previous problems. He said that the only reason he wanted to file the report was in case there were any future problems. The victim said he did not want any intervention by Campus Police or Student Life, choosing to use a Computer Science Department advisor to deal with the matter informally."
-- Tartan Crime and Incident Report, 2/22/99
"Quit sucking, Carl, and finish him off!"
-- Mark Stehlik (during an air hockey game)
"I think beer is to me the way tomatoes are to a lot of other people. You know, that I like things made with it, but not it itself.. sort of like other people who like spaghetti sauce, but not tomatoes."
-- Mark Shieh, after finishing off all the Pete's Wicked Ale cheese sauce
"'Dude' is a much better all-purpose pronoun than 'Bitch'. Fuckhead!"
-- certain person who wishes to remain anonymous
"Okay, so for those of you who see a B, please start at 8.. and for those of you who see an 8, please start at 8..."
-- Mr. Gerlach
"Milk - it does a body good."
"It also gives you kidney stones.."
-- me, Iain Keddie
"today's temperature will be around 31 and Segmentation Fault"
-- Jessica "George" Smith's broken weather game script
"My theory is that as long as Mark forgets to remove me from the SAC dlist, I deserve free pizza. Besides, I've been the unofficial SAC secretary for four years.."
-- me
"Ho. You know, h-o. Look it up. It means 'over there'..."
-- Mark Stehlik
"Doug Englebart invented the mouse, which depending on your carpal tunnel, is either a good or bad thing.."
"Steve Jobs - one great bundle of charisma."
"Scott McNealy is a professional Microsoft basher. He also happens to be the president of Sun Microsystems."
-- above 3 from Andy Zimdars
"We're considering a has-been lecture series too..."
-- Catherine Copetas
"You're so perceptive! You must be a graduating senior."
-- Mark Stehlik, to Jon Betz
"Carnegie (R) Mellon - you do what you want with the Mellon, but we're sure as hell keeping the Carnegie!"
-- Mark Stehlik
"SCS movie night can compete with Barry Lyndon - we've got The Last Starfighter!"
-- Mark Stehlik
"Treat me well now, Justin - imagine how bitter I'll be in 16 years!"
-- Mark Stehlik, to Justin Jensen
"I guess it was an okay movie, really, but it was *much* better when I was stoned."
-- Mark Stehlik, on Buckaroo Bonsai
"It was apparently a clerical error.. at least that's how they explained it when I called up Coke and vented my spleen, anyway..."
-- Mark Stehlik
"So what kind of a ball does a foosball table take, anyway?"
"Uhh.. a FOOSBALL, Mark!"
-- Mark Stehlik, random SAC members
"I can get you a *great* deal on nothing."
"Spoken like a true entrepreneur."
-- Jon Betz, Mark Stehlik
"There are plenty of classrooms open at 8:30, actually."
"Yeah - that's what the PHYSICS department would say, too!"
-- Mike Murphy, Shelby Davis
"I know I'm going to hang for that comment somewhere.. I'll burn in Java Hell.."
-- Mark Stehlik
"i saw you at giant eagle today. you got cash. i got burritos."
-- Ethan Bold
"You know, when you can barely suppress the urge to shout 'PASTE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!' it may be time to take a break."
-- Jason Riek
 the_Asylum Instance slow {Broadcast} Message at 13:19:11 on Fri Mar 26 

Dear the internet,

You suck.  Run faster.

Love, Jason

                                  Gringo <jason#THEKEEP.ORG> on phantasm

" it must have been weird without mp3s..."
-- Drew Hoskins
"Yeah, well, after all hope *and* 30,000 people abandon you..."
-- Tim Showalter, describing the 1999 Pirates opening game
"..'goro ne suru' no imi wa? mmm, gorogoro wa, tatoeba, ano hito wa, nani mo shinai de, gorogorogoro. <turns> gorogorogoro. <turns around> gorogorogoro suru hito, ne? hai, 'lazy' no you desu..."
-- Takahashi-sensei
"You don't know the difference between initializing and fucking? No wonder you're such a dipshit."
"Look, it's Jon Betz, the Last Undergraduate..."
-- Mark Stehlik, from the SCS viewing of the Last Starfighter
"Do you just know a whole lot about jungle music, or do you also know where to find obscure classical music mp3s?"
-- Scott Robbins, to Rob Jefferson
"Deanna, stop telling people that I'm a toaster?"
"I would never spread such a horrible rumor. Do you think I want to be killed in an avalanche of poptarts?"
"Man, that sounds really kinky."
-- Carl Meister, me, Pace (snagged from Laurel's quotefile)
"I keep having to look everything up because I've forgotten so much Kanji. Shit! No wonder Carl doesn't like me."
-- me, because Oren insisted I put it in here
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 14:52:43 -0400 (EDT)
From: Michael D Schuresko <>
cc: Bulletin Board Administration <>
Subject: Re: Next Semester's Theme

have you ever heard that new-age parable about four blind men and the
elephant?  these four blind men are each brought to an elephant and asked
what it is.  the one who finds the leg says "oh, an elephant is like a
big tree".  the one who finds the ear says "oh, an elephant is like a
giant sheet of paper".  the one who finds the tail says "oh, an elephant
must be a real huge fly-swatter". etc.

my take is that james I. is shown god, and he says "oh, god must be
revealed through scripture".  joel swehla is shown god and he says "oh,
god must be revealed through candles".  Bob Marley is shown god and he
says "oh, god must be revealed through smoking pot".

but I've probably offended james I., joel S. and bob marley, as well as
several elephants.

"It splattered in my mouth! Of course you're not helping!"
-- Cheryl Kaminsky, during Kiltie Booth painting
 the_Asylum Instance net {Broadcast} Message at 11:23:31 on Thu Apr 15 

Dear internet,

Please stop sucking or I will cry.

Luv, Jason

                                 Gringo <jason#THEKEEP.ORG> on phantasm

"'Pass' is my other way of saying 'Bend Over'."
-- Ryan Ingram
[ after a bunch of mobot bragging ] "What, like 'My mobot can beat up your mobot'?"
"No, more like 'My mobot can jumpstart your car.'"
-- me, Kat Smith
"Eggs are good for you. They're just like chickens, just younger."
-- Matt Mutchler
"Interesting? No, it's that doing my Algorithms is more *necessary* than talking to you."
-- Carl Meister
"BTW...Happy Birthday... I was going to record me singing 'happy birthday' and attach the file. Then I figured it would be close to 3meg (or more) and said the hell with it."
-- Mike Rubin (my dad)
"I like today's goats."
--Laura Valentine
"What would happen if you let two linux geeks procreate?"
"They'd have a *penguin*."
-- Oren Laskin, Zach Loafman
"Someone mentioned something about a cat not closing it's eyes while it's being scanned and so on. Listen. If you scan your cat and it doesn't shut it's eyes when a bright light shines on it, then it's not animal cruelty - it's a stupid cat."
-- Steve Thompson, from
Date: Thu, 20 May 1999 07:50:35 -0400 (EDT)
From: Kaustuv Chaudhuri <>
To: Whatever <>
Subject: See yall next semester


I'm off to sunny California where the girls are warm and toasty... In case
the surf, sands and sex keep me AFK for the rest of the summer, have a
swell time, people!

- Kaustuv "then again, I might have a downright awful summer and develop
an intense phobia of scantily clad meatpeople... oh wait..." Chaudhuri

"When I die, I want my funeral pyre to be completely made of meat. A big pile of ribs, burgers, steaks, and then ME, up on top, burning..."
-- Scott Robbins
"So, it's not like Jesus just came along and said, 'Let there be weekends,' and the entire world went 'Dude, party!' or anything..."
-- Andrew Alford
Darth Schuresko: Did Vin-Bro ever tell you what happened to your roommate?
Kev-Bab Mcwat: He told me enough -- he told me you killed him!
Darth Schuresko: No, Kev-Bab. I ... am your roommate.
-- Kevin Babbitt, to graffiti.lounge-rats
"..and hopefully, I'll get to make this toast again at their 75th anniversary!"
"Uhh, I hope you said the right prayer for that!"
"I'm a rabbi, not a doctor, dammit."
-- my uncle Dennis, my grandfather (at my grandparents' 50th anniversary party)
"You know, there isn't much in the yellow pages under 'shit to do at 12 in the morning'..."
-- Brad Keryan
"We had to do a very un-PGSS-like thing to make the groups more even. 11 people wanted to do my project, so I gathered them all together and said, 'All right, who took at least one year of calculus?' Then my group was 7 people."
-- Rob Liebscher
"I hope they are taking my idea of a merger of the SCS and MCS into the S&M CS seriously..."
-- Kaustuv Chaudhuri
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1999 14:51:52 -0400 (EDT)
From: Kaustuv Chaudhuri <>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <>
Subject: Re: (new) lounge elder

On Mon, 19 Jul 1999, Camille F Fournier wrote:

> Speaking of which. . .
> I'm gonna have a freshman female roommate next year.
> I'm taking bribes now.

This is silly.

If you really cared for the people, you would release your roommate under
the GPL, so everyone can enjoy her and be collectively happy and
prosperous. Right now you are making it impossible for people with little
money and older hardware to use your roommate. If you release her under
the GPL, not only will the user community hold you in reverence for the
rest of eternity, but also all bugs will be removed from your roommate in
the process of scrutiny by many minds. What's more, if people have access
to your roommate's source, they will be able to contribute their additions
and improvements to it until your roommate will become as beautiful as,
say, Emacs or the GIMP. Don't you want the best, most extensible roommate
in the world? 

However, if you really want a buggy, non cross-platform roommate that will
be rendered obsolete in a few years, well... there is not much I can do to
save you and your product. If not you, I am sure someone will come along
with the sensibility and the foresight to do the Right Thing. Remember,
the user will prevail.

Give Open-Source a thought. It could be the best decision you ever make!

"I am not an open-source pimp."
-- Camille Fournier
"If there's a fire in the building, we figure you're all intelligent enough to find your way to the nearest exit and go there."
"Will the floor light up like in Airplane?"
"Uh, no."
-- exchange at a meeting at Claritech
"If you ask me, a roommate who does not interpret LISP is not a roommate worth having."
-- Kaustuv Chaudhuri
"Any good propaganda is extemporaneous. If I were to stop and proof-read the garbage that I write, I would have far fewer occasions to post to this bboard."
-- Kaustuv Chaudhuri
"well, its a good thing we're not dating, dee,
cause I like my women SPICY like my SREE'S CHILI SAUCE"
"yeah, but anyway, I'll eat anything from car-bumpers to recycled plastic, so all food places are cool with me"
-- Mike Schuresko
Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1999 00:04:08 -0400 (EDT)
From: Ethan T Bold <>
To: SCS-Bboards <>
Subject: Re: how do i shut up ie's complaining...

This really doesn't need to be said, but I despise most of you.

Who cares what os anybody else runs? Does running win98 and using ie
make me a bad person? It's simple and easy to use. It is bloated, but I
don't care because I have a machine with enough memory to handle it. We
all do. I like to make use of my system resources by devoting them to
ie, not wasting them on some l33t linux sh17. plus it's so much simpler.
so much simpler.

In conclusion, I am a complete wuss. You are all better than me. Now
it's your turn to tell me that you are better than me. Go ahead, do it.
All of you. Ok, now only the people on the left. Ok, now only the lady.
Now the men.... good.

So I don't really despise any of you, and i haven't even been following
this thread closely, so i may be way off mark, but ... nevermind.

keeping it real since 0011 1000 0101 1001,
Ethan T. Bold 

"Berkeley people are dumb."
-- Kaustuv Chaudhuri
  Personal Message at 18:02:05 on Thu Jul 29 

Ah, now it is perfect:

perl -MTie::Scalar -we'@%=split q,,,q(JPuesrtl  aHnaoctkheerr. );
@ISA=qw(Tie::StdScalar);sub FETCH{local*$=shift;$$+=2;($$-@%)or
exit;$$%=@%;$%[$$]}tie $_,(main=>)[0];$_=-2;print while 1'

                                  Jason C Reed <jcreed> on unix13

  Personal Message at 16:01:02 on Fri Jul 30 

But I have such a better version now.

Would you mind terribly to replace the code

 perl    -MTie::Scalar -e'@*=split//,q#  JPuesrtl  aHnaoctkheerr#;  @ISA
  =      ( Tie::StdScalar=>);sub FETCH{local*&=shift;$&+=2;$&  =#;     |
$&%@*;   ( $& ||exit,$*[$&])}tie $_, __PACKAGE__;  Z:print qq#$_#;goto Z'


It does the same thing in a similar way, only the first half-dozen
columns are so deeply true :)

                                          Jason C Reed <jcreed> on unix13

"Is that game you guys are playing good for anything *other* than giggling?"
-- mlh
"Real men, like Mike, Mark, and myself, don't use recursive makes."
-- mcinerny
"Oh, goody, there's my awesome comment! Scroll down more! See my ascii art?"
-- clamen
"When in doubt, assume it has gratuitous inheritance."
-- random words of wisdom
"This is the case where you have no choice but white hot flaming death, but at least you KNOW you're doing white hot flaming death."
-- mlh
"Come, now. If you record every instance of me being scary, you'll run out of quota :)"
-- Jason Reed
"My company does everything you could possibly want for your web browser.. but we don't make beer bottle openers, unfortunately."
-- Ben Raia
"Hey, that's real crunchy!"
-- Andrea Tarka, after taking a bite of her brother's BBQ Potato Chip sandwich
"After a while I just started labelling the two main characters in his story Beavis and Beavis... because that's what they were, it was like Beavis and Butthead without Butthead's occasional philosophical points... Beavis and Beavis would just do things, and then their third friend Beavis would come over and it'd be more stupid..."
-- Mav, on fiction workshops
"It's very simple. Shakespeare, Beowulf, Gilgamesh, and the Bible. If you want to be a writer, you have to read those. There's no way around it. I mean, that's what I told Jane - the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are not my characters, they come from the Bible, It's a very famous book. Go read it."
-- Mav
"oh, BTW, trevor is still a bit of a goober. However, he does nice needlepoint."
-- Ann Kopchik
"You do not want to be operating heavy machinery after drinking Blithering Idiot. Or any other barley wine, for that matter."
-- Steve Jensen
"Maybe Kevin thinks he can get women to pose naked with it. After all, 3Com did."
"Kevin doesn't need a PalmPilot for that. he's sexy enough as he is."
-- Brad Keryan, Oren Laskin
"symptom: your monitor is broken because you put your fist through it:

don't touch anything. first make sure that you don't bleed on yourself. next, you have to make this thing look like an accident. take a brick (if you don't have one readily available, there's a styrofoam fake one in todd's office), and throw it at yourself (if this is a problem, look in a mirror as you're doing it). any injuries that you get will look good toward hiding the truth, and you'll have to grin and bear. then leave the brick lying on the floor next to your computer. press the intercom button on the phone, type 5000 (everyone), and exclaim: Who just threw a brick at me? then lie down on the floor next to the brick and moan until help comes."
-- Matt Ittigson, on using Visual SourceSafe

             Personal Message at 20:24:10 on Sat Aug  7

[godel@cantor godel]$ perl -e 'require tp for (bunghole)'
Can't locate in @INC (@INC contains: /usr/lib/perl5/5.00503/i386-linux /us
r/lib/perl5/5.00503 /usr/lib/perl5/site_perl/5.005/i386-linux /usr/lib/perl5/sit
e_perl/5.005 .) at -e line 1.

                          Jason C Reed <jcreed> on jaypeak.weh

"See, there was Alex Trebek being born, and then Alex Trebek as a game show host, and there's just this gap in the middle where something must have happened, that I don't understand."
-- Jason Reed
"Okay, who ordered the 1000 17-year-olds delivered today?"
-- Larry Greenfield, on the first day of freshman orientation
"I'm not talking about CORBA, bitch."
-- Tom Maher (the Corba bitch)
-----16:23:17 help zephyr <scu> Perpetually Perplexed
I figure after I give up the first born, it'll all be downhill from
there. =)
-----16:23:49 help zephyr <margulis> Just say 'no' to ASG.
like you'll ever leave your office long enough to have children.
-----16:25:58 help zephyr <lerchey> image is larger than the paper's printable area; some clipping will occur.
Doesn't that depend on who comes to his office?
-----16:26:43 help zephyr <leg> Larry
look, isn't this a family zephyr instance?
-----16:26:11 help zephyr <magus@CS> Nat Lanza
I didn't know computing services had become that much of an, uh, "full service"

"hmm, is sucking transitive?
Carl sucks.
Carl has a schedule.
Carl's schedule sucks."
-- Brad Keryan
-----11:24:04 help zephyr <peterb@CS> slap panda
-----11:24:07 help zephyr <peterb@CS> slap panda
you may plusplus me now.

"i like dreams. i get to smooch or kill anybody i want."
-- Jessica "George" Smith
-----15:16:01 share&enjoy zephyr <peterb@CS> slap panda
i guess there are other situations possible, but what i'm
basically saying is "you owe it to yourself to have sex with someone
who seriously thinks that this time MIGHT BE THEIR LAST."

Personal Message at 15:04:26 on Sat Aug 28 You know, I keep going through this pattern. Open netscape in order to go to graphics class homepag.. Ooh! Slashdot! Read slashdot read slashdot readslashdot slashdot read read read /.read read accidentally click on mailto: link. netscape crashes. Oh, *that's* right, I was going to go to the graphics class homepage. Open netscap.. Ooh! New article on slashdot! readreadreadreadread.... accidentally click on mailto: link. netscape crashes again. I think my brain trying to get me to click on the mailto links to remind me that I shouldn't just be reading slashdo... Ooh! New article on slashdot. I'll get back to you in just a sec. Jason C Reed <jcreed> on taosvalley.weh
Date: Tue, 31 Aug 1999 11:49:13 -0400 (EDT) From: Brendan L Brelsford <> cc: Subject: eversmack a CCON regards you indifferently - looks like this creature could pose some problems. You tell your party, "be careful, you almost knocked my soda off the desk." Ragarth tells the party, "hey look at this everquest page!" You spill a drink. a CCON slashes YOU for 56 points of damage. a CCON bashes YOU for 27 points of damage. a CCON hits YOU for 31 points of damage. You have been kicked out of the cluster! LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...
Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 00:04:26 -0400 (EDT) From: Roland M Reagan <eca+#CMU.EDU> To: Bulletin Board Administration <> Subject: Re: excerpt Cc: Excerpts from graffiti.barbara.humor: 27-Aug-99 excerpt by Barbara K Jensen > I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on > Tuesday. That was cool. > > Sara Dear Pace: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the outfit you were wearing on Tuesday. That was cool. Your mum

"unexpected fun at line 69: lara_croft"
-- Shawn Van Ittersum
"15-312: where abstract syntax meets concrete abs"
-- Dan "Monzy" Maynes-Aminzade, on the same discussion
 cslounge Instance contest {Broadcast} Message at 21:32:51 on Fri Sep  3 

You should go to hell and die.
Die, bitch, die!
Repent or burn!

<optimization of above lines:>
ML.(repent o hell o die) (Simon.bitch);

            Hello Kitty, Destroyer of Worlds <ajr> on blackbird.weh

"I'm so happy I'm going to go pee on a radiator!"
-- Aiton Goldman
"Okay, I must run! My geeky manliness is needed!"
-- Tal Latimer
-----MESSAGE instance share&enjoy Message from joshua#DEMENTIA.ORG on at 13:39:28
chris rock impression:

<audience with total IQ lower than that of average Jerry Springer
audience member laughs> I MEAN, FUCK, MAN! <laughter> FUUUUUCCKK!
Damn, I just mean, like, shit, man. <howling laughter>

"'long december' got played for a very long time on madison radio beginning december of I think '97. Then it got to be march and they were still playing it, and I thought, *damn*, this is a long december."
-- Jason Reed
"Well, I'm going to teach Virginia TeX one of these days.."
"Virginia Tech?"
"Hmm, that's a school, isn't it."
-- exchange between Shelby Davis and I
"Hey. Come on, at least stand correctly, heels together, toes apart. If you're going to be a good precision standing band, you have to learn how to stand precisely."
-- Mr. Gerlach
"I'm sorry, but vegetable is NOT an adjective."
"Sure it is. You're *so* vegetable."
"Dude, that's like, veg and stuff."
"Geez, this discussion is really vegetable."
-- exchange in the CS lounge resulting from Kaustuv's attempt at an adjective generator
"So, I'm going to screw Carl now."
"Nah - I think you should just nail him instead."
-- Jeremy Praissman and me, during a game of Cults Across America
"I'm planning to go to grad school. I don't want them looking at my GPA."
-- Kaustuv Chaudhuri
"Those who can, sleep. Those who can't, post."
-- Lorelei Laird (to graffiti.sleep)
"I just have to say, all your poems rule. Now I have motivation to stay up way too late and write more, when the dick of 312 is again in my ass."
-- Tobin Coziahr
"When I first saw Mark [Stehlik], I thought he was just some random Scottish dude."
-- Kaustuv Chaudhuri
"I think it'd be great if someone made a version of Xavier that was really just a huge beer keg.. it goes up to doors and says, 'Knock knock' and pisses beer all over them."
-- Jeremy Praissman
"Who's there? Beer? Beer who? BEER, you idiot."
-- Andrew Alford
"Li made Wei what he is today - a total wanker."
"Oh, he was a wanker way before that."
"So Li maps one wanker to another?"
"Diff wanker."
"Wank on, wank off.. the wanker."
-- jeremyp, alford, bruce, kaustuv, alford
"Since you asked...
My name is Chris Rapier and I'm an alcoholic...
Oh shit, wrong meeting!

Seriously, I work at the Pittsburgh Supercomputing Center in Mellon Institute. I'm part of the networking group that supplies CMU (and Pitt, Penn State, WVU and so forth) with network connectivity (both commodity internet and vBNS). Most of the work I do is in network performance diagnostics and metrics research. It is interminably boring and these occasional forays into the wild and wooly world of is one of the few things that keeps me from running my head through my monitor. I like puppies, long walks, and autocannibalism. My turn offs include rude people, carpet bombing, and craniofacial surgery. If you ask nicely I might even show you my scars."
-- Chris Rapier, to

"Note: Please make one more post telling me how wrong I am, then we can all shut up and everyone can be happy. Except of course Rapier, who will go back to being bored."
-- Jim Bruce
"Why, this could almost pass as a real X program.
Except that the background is Pepto-Bismol."
-- Jason Reed
"Not bad, considering last year I couldn't tell a kanji from a pile of rocks."
-- Feej Grundman
"At that point, I was pretty much building roads with sheep..."
-- Carl Meister
"Zach, you're going to ROT-13 in hell for that."
"Uhh, Brad, so are you."
-- Brad Keryan, Carl Eastlund
"If Joel was a zombie, he'd still wear a red minidress."
-- Carl Eastlund
"I'm a bleeding-heart athiest."
"Wait, what does THAT mean?"
"There is no God, and I am his prophet!"
"This means you're a communist, doesn't it?"
-- Kaustuv Chaudhuri, Carl Meister
"If a thousand fourth-reich weirdo Nazis decided to march into the basement of the Shady House and scan their asses, nobody would notice, because they'd just think they were friends of Joel's."
-- Mike Schuresko
"CS majors are just machines that take in pizza and output code."
"Unless they're theory weenies like me, in which case they take in pizza and output nothing."
"I take in code and output bad pizza..."
-- me, Schuresko, Garmire
"What the heck? [Deanna's] defining herself to be the Mason-Dixon line of intelligence."
-- Noble Shore
"Graphics? I thought you were talking about my quest for godhood."
-- Carl Eastlund
"Evolution is obviously wrong. Look at Alabama!"
-- Kaustuv Chaudhuri
--s--share&enjoy message from <joshua#DEMENTIA.ORG> on at 17:21:14
so, a coworker calls me up to meekly tell me something that he ruined

and i shouted into the phone, "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING MORON?!"

and about four thousand people turned to look at me,

so i yelled "OKAY MOM, TALK TO YOU LATER" and hung up.

--s--share&enjoy message from <joshua#DEMENTIA.ORG> on at 12:52:02 fermat's last hack: I have discovered a backdoor into every unix and nt box in existence, but the exploit is too long to post here.

"Does anyone here know what a working OS kernel looks like?"
<stunned silence, then laughter>
"Does anyone here know what an OS is?!"
"Dude, I'm in the wrong side of the room."
-- some random guy in 5201, 50 minutes before the second checkpoint of OS assignment #3 was due
"apparently now cellphones cause cancer in labrats."
"If you ate a cellphone, you'd get cancer too."
-- jessica "george" smith, Jason Riek
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 09:49:22 -0400 (EDT)
From: Marybeth A Griffin <>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <>
Subject: Re: Carnival and Booth

Memories of the LAST 'Around the World' entry:

"What's that booth?"
"It's the space station Mir."
"Okay, it's a cat-puke barn *masquerading* as a space station. Now can
we get some points for originality?"


> Additional Comments: > if you will not allow the machine name "", please > register it as ""
-- Bob Rost, when registering for a net connection
"This machine has been registered as...err...'geisha'."
-- datacomm, in response to his request
"I have a brain in my bag, but it crashes."
-- Jim Bruce
"Okay, Allwein, you've -got- to be the only person who'd consider gonads as eyewear, even for a second."
-- Jason Reed
"Snow is great! Snow is pretty! Snow is wonderful! <quietly> it doesn't snow in Missouri..."
-- Laura Tweedy
"In case you may not have noticed, we HAVE NOT practiced any of this stuff for over two weeks. Are you up to doing the highly sophisticated drill that goes with Cortez? If not, may I suggest a 6:00 AM rehearsal (optional of course). If I'm not there, start without me."
-- Mr. Gerlach, before the Kiltie away game
"What, my pontification is less important than your beer?"
-- Laura Valentine, to Tom Maher on his birthday
"Insecure variable? What should I do, complement it?"
-- Chris Lee
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 15:22:56 -0500 (EST)
From: Barbara K Jensen <>
To: Bulletin Board Administration
Subject: OS

Might as well give this a try...

MWF CS major ISO OS partner for Spring 99.  Must be willing to work
hard, *not* procrastinate, and preferably not have to pull any
all-nighters.  Programming competancy and communication skills a must.
Email me if interested.


"Don't hold your breath. Deanna is only slightly less permanent than the landscaping around here. More permanent, actually, what with all the construction."
-- Lorelei Laird
"Oh, I think you're a global variable. (Do you know how sick/cool/something it is that I can pick an arbitrary programming language and you can parse it!)"
-- Jeff Vinocur
"When you get rid of your Christmas tree, try our routing tree!"
-- Matt Ittigson, on possible Claritech advertisements
"hmm... bad computer engineer needs food badly. insert quarters to continue"
"stupid tech writer needs cookies badly... insert famous amos to continue"
-- zephyr exchange between Oren Laskin and I
"I resolve to"
-- Brad Keryan, on new year's resolutions
"You know, this is excellent work. This is why one day you'll be god's gift to API documentation.. if you ever learn to wake up by noon."
-- Jean Siegel, my boss
"Well, it's different if they're a natural born kender like you."
"Umm, is that like a new action movie? Natural Born Kenders?"
-- exchange between Mike Peck and I
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 17:10:56 -0500 (EST)
From: Eric C Kadehjian <>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <>
Subject: Re: irrelevant

On Tue, 28 Dec 1999, Roman W Mitz wrote:
> >     I solved the problem just by going to an all-male HS.  (Then again,
> > that's a problem in and of itself.)
> Tell me about it.  Sigh.  Missed opportunities...

See, in public high school I thought I had plenty of opportunities.  So I
started hitting on some females.  Got rejected by the first one, then the
second and so on.  I gave up on my HS after I struck out about 35 times.
So I started a BFS plan of attack; now I've been shot down so many times
that my parents have told me I no longer have any realistic chance of
finding a relationship in MA, NH, or RI (and no, not even I will stoop so
so as to start handing around Providence middle schools to pick up women;
feel free to pass this info along to Haefele).

So having exhausted my options in New England, I tried my hand in the land
of yinzers.  Same story.  My first dozen attempts or so were knocked
down faster than a Kordell Stewart pass.  After being threatened with
blunt force trauma and legal action by a particular sorority house (anyone
care to guess which one), I figured I would be best served cutting my
losses and stay out of the dating game for a few years.

The moral of the story:  don't worry about "what if" scenarios; just
assume that if you had asked X out, X would have told you to go jump in
front of a bus.  Then you'll never consider the question again.  If you're
thinking about maybe something different will happen next year, my advice
to cure this longing is to think about the Red Sox situation.  I don't
believe in the Curse of the Bambino, but they sure have sucked in the
playoffs for the past 81 years.  And despite the longing of Red Sox
nation, it's pretty clear that 2000 probably won't be much different than
any other year.  So much for the premise of "wait till next year".

Theoretically I should have a great Quake game by now since I've had a lot
of free time not chasing women.  Unfortunately the lounge made me put even
this noble quest off.  Anyone up for bridge?
-- Eric

Date: Wed, 29 Dec 1999 17:27:49 -0500 (EST) From: Peter Sand <> To: Subject: Re: Linux root password I just like to say "I'm special because I run a simple, friendly, alternative OS (Win95) instead of that run-make-for-a-living mainstream OS (Linux)" and then run for my life (the basement of the newell simon building is a good place to run for your life; the elevator will take you down to the B level, which then lets you roam most of the construction area). Actually, I was running linux and having problems with this depends on version x of that which depends on version y of that which depends on... and I reformatted my hard drive, installed windows, and haven't had a Linux problem since.

"I think the sleeping disorder could be called inertia. When I'm asleep, I want to stay asleep as long as possible. When I'm awake, I want to stay awake, too."
-- Mike Peck

"It would not be a complaint letter so much as a suggestion: 'Here is a way that you could improve your marketing to a very small niche: Me.'"
-- Ralph Melton
--s--share&enjoy message from <peterb#CS.CMU.EDU> on evelake.pdl.cs at 15:09:17
4. You don't seem to know how to BATHE. AHHHHHH! YOU FUCKING SMELL!

"So, would you consider groundhogs to be tippable animals?"
"I don't think they would be, since they would probably run away. I've never gotten within a foot of a groundhog."
"Well, I've never gotten within a foot of a cow.."
"Oh, I've gotten within a foot of a cow. I've even gotten a cow's foot almost within me.."
-- somewhat bizarre exchange at Claritech (between ralph, clamen, dani, and steve)
"I couldn't figure out how something so plush could stand so erect.."
-- Laura Tweedy (talking about a Tigger doll, but..)
"My signals aren't mixed at all. I want you right here, right now, on this SPARC station."
-- Tobin Coziahr (disclaimer: part of graffiti, not directed at anyone)
"Once I had a strip of bacon. I named it 'Fucking Strip of Bacon with a Fucking Lame Name'. Then I ate it and thought, 'Wow, that was stupid, naming something before I eat it.'"
-- Zach Loafman
"Stringize? Stringize? Quick, we need to provide some more verbs for the development team; they've obviously run low."
-- Monica Cellio
"Some people study engineering/technology because they love it. I think I study it on the priciples of knowing your enemy..."
-- Karl Greenley
From graffiti.lounge-rats, a series of comments:

1.  Slashdot Sucks, Have a Bagel.  (dr4b)
2.  Lounge-rats sucks, Have a croissant.  (mds2)
3.  Graffiti sucks.  Have a mini-danish.  They are good, and they fill you
    right up.  (kaustuv)
4.  GOD, this mini-danish is FANTASTIC!  (mitz)
5.  It's "GOD... this mini-danish is AMAZING!" you moron.  (kaustuv)
5.  The Internet sucks.  Have a scone.  It's just as crumby.  (keryan)
6.  Since I didn't have quote marks, that was merely a PARAPHRASE, jackass.  
7.  Paraphrases suck, have one of the Colonel's own biscuits!  (mds2)
8.  Pointless arguments suck; have a semicolon.  (llaird)
9.  People who say "pointless arguments suck" (English majors) suck; have a 
    pointless argument.  (kaustuv)
10.  English sucks.  Peaksay niay Igpay Atinlay.  (nshore)
10.  Tomorrow you will wake up and do a whole bunch of random stuff and then 
     go back to sleep.  You owe the Oracle a twinkie.  (dr4b)
11.  Twinkies suck!  Have a tasty and delicious Hostess pastry treat!  (mds2)
12.  I love quote excerpts; I should work for the newspaper.  (Jim "...suck!  
     Have a tasty and delicious Hostess..." Bruce)
13.  Newspapers suck; have a slime mold.  (kaustuv)
14.  Slime sucks.  Have a marshmallow man.  (nshore)
15.  Marshmallows suck.  Have a whole-grain scone with organic butter 
     substitute.  (llaird)
     Men suck.  Have hot lesbian action on the Cut. (llaird)
       That's great.  Be sure to post a note here beforehand.  (mitz)
         If there was hot lesbian action on the cut in this weather (Wind 
         chill 15 below zero), you could cut diamonds with their nipples.  
16.  Lesbians suck.  Have a dick.  (coziahr)
17.  Everybody needs dick.  Have another.  (cce)
18.  This conversation is getting more gay than tom's left pinky, and that's 
     too gay for me.  (zml)
       That should make it suitable for slashdot.  Have a bagel.  (mds2)
19.  Gays suck; have a kill-all-gays-jeans-day.  (kaustuv)
16a.  I posted something about scones too, a while back.  Guess what, it 
     got dropped from the thread too.  This thread sucks.  Have some 
     mochi.  (keryan)
20.  This thread is heathen; here, eat this root.  (dr4b)
21.  This thread is cursed. Have a frogurt. The Frogurt is also cursed.  (bolson)
22.  This curse is lifted. Have the still-bleeding heart of a sacrificial
     virgin.  (llaird)

"He was holding up the groundhog like a grapefruit!"
-- Stewart Clamen
"If I heard about a pizza called 'Slaughterhouse', I would probably assume that meant they had blood for the sauce."
-- Carl Meister
"Like a haiku that doesn't know when to quit."
-- Jay Woodward, in response to finding out my birthday (5/7/77)
"The Lemon Napoleon is really good. I wouldn't kill for it, but I'd certainly maim."
-- Ralph Melton
"You hit it.
You hit it.
You hit it.
You've slain the ECE Administration.
Welcome to level SCS."
-- Shelby Davis
"I think Pittsburgh's four seasons are Winter, Summer, Rain, and Construction. In any and every order, as often as possible."
-- Heather Keith
"We could combine Die Hard and Sixth Sense into one big Bruce Willis movie... 'hey, remember those guys you killed? I can see them!'"
-- Oren Laskin
" Uncle Sam's going to get 20,000 dollars and I'm going to get a new computer."
-- Dave Koes, on winning $25k
"If I'd fallen and broken my neck or something this afternoon my spirit would have had to spend the rest of eternity in Wean looking for gkesden."
-- Carl Meister
"My arteries are like 376 at 7am."
-- Eric Kadehjian
"There are plenty of words in the English language that have connotation but no denotation. Take 'fucking' in the army, for example."
-- Ralph Melton
"I can't get my mind out of the categorical gutter!"
-- Jason Reed
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2000 18:05:45 -0500 (EST)
From: Carl Christian Eastlund <>
To: Lounge Rats <>
Subject: My partner r001z (fwd)

  I'm writing this to let everyone know that my OS partner dr001z.  He's a
big, 5L0883RY d00d.

You know who you are, zml.  You dr00l.  ;)


---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2000 17:28:08 -0500 (EST)
From: Yishan Wong <>
Subject: My partner r001z

I'm writing this to let everyone know that my partner is r001z.  She's a
l33t h4X0r ch1k.

You know who you are, partner.  You r00l.

--a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <dr4b> on unix9 at 13:01:28 today sucks. --a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <bc3p> on unix7 at 13:01:43 I blame Jason. --a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <dr4b> on unix9 at 13:01:49 funny, so do i --a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <wander#WATSON.ORG> on at 13:03:05 I am not now, nor have I ever been, responsible for today sucking. --a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <mj2q#DEMENTIA.ORG> on at 13:03:11 I heard you talking at breakfast jason. "You know, I think I will make today suck for Deanna." --a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <wander#WATSON.ORG> on at 13:05:33 Actually, what I said was "You know I think I will fake, say, Burnt Sienna." See, burnt sienna can't be displayed by X, so I have to fake it. --a--the_asylum instance quiet message from <wander#WATSON.ORG> on at 13:06:13 Also, aliens wrote our Makefile. No human could possibly understand it.

[after making a saving throw and taking 34 HP damage from a lightning bolt, while half the party was held by an evil cleric]
"What, I'm not held?"
"Oh, excellent!"
-- Mark Jensen (and Tal the DM)
"We retired his number."
"It was Joe Nameless, not Joe Namath!"
-- Mark Jensen and Mike Podlipsky, after we buried random cannon fodder fighter #2
"That's why we need a Body Bag of Holding."
-- Tim Esposito
"Wait a second, you're a guy, and you actually play flute?"
"Yeah. It's a really great way to meet women."
-- me, Tim Esposito
"What, don't you want to find out if you're an sn-new or just a noun?"
-- Mike Peck
             Personal Message at 18:07:14 on Sun Feb 20 

plus with a non draining fountain you can get a waterfall spilling over the side..
How scenic!
And then a river running down to the stairs, and then down the stairs.
Wean Falls.

                                      andrew mccreight <aem2> on unix11

"Riddle: What would happen if a kender discovered the WWW?"
"It would give wanderlust a different meaning."
-- me, Mike Peck
"What, are you having trouble because of eating in class?"
"No, I'm having trouble because of snoring in class."
-- me, Brad Keryan
--a--the_asylum instance RPGs message from <wander#WATSON.ORG> on at 14:06:38
Follow the relevant links
Follow the relevant links
Follow follow follow follow
Follow the relevant links

"I refuse to believe in a God that is in any way associated with Macromedia Flash."
-- Andrew McCreight
-----Personal message from <meister> on yoda.weh at 17:54:44 / tani no kaze ni noru


"[Picks up phone.] "Mr. President, I need a wake-up call... yes, the big red button."
-- Brad Keryan
"Can two young men working on OS really just be friends?"
-- Andrew McCreight
"People do all kinds of fucked up things, that doesn't make them animals. Animals don't commit tax fraud, become serial killers, get in car wrecks, or write goth poetry."
-- Tobin Coziahr
"I'm trying to get my program to print "This sucks" and it won't. This sucks."
-- Brad Keryan
"I need the Sniffling, Sore Throat, Annoying Cold Sores, Knock You Flat on Your Ass So You Don't Have To Go To Work medicine."
-- Chris Lee
"It's pronounced 'New-tella'. I just went and called [1-800-NUTELLA] and found out."
-- Martin Hock
"Yuengling.. is that like an underage beer?"
-- Jason Riek
--a--the_asylum instance shh message from on steamboat.weh at 14:54:25 / you've been listening to WJAS, all george, all the time
where is harper
where is harper
stuck in hell
stuck in hell
how are you to-day, george
pretty pissed but thank you
run away
run away

"I got the lowest D in OS. D is for diploma!"
"Dude, D is for Dumbass."
-- two random guys in Wean 5201
"Yeah! I can crucify Bert with duct tape!"
-- Tao Neuendorffer
"The revolution will not be available for the Palm computing platform."
-- Lorelei Laird
"ML Barbie says, '312 homework takes fucking forever!'"
-- Jason Reed
"Do you usually ask [interviewees] what they think of Holst?"
"Only if there was a Kiltie Band concert the night before, he put the band on his resume, it is the first Tuesday in Lent, I attended the concert, St. Patrick's Day is on Friday this year, and the Kiltie Band played Holst."

(later that day) "So did I make it into your quotefile again for the Holst thing?"
-- Mike Peck

"The parents know how many children they have, but they don't know who they are until they DIE!"
-- Yishan Wong, on his OS project
"I don't DO typedefs."
-- Anand Marathe
--s--share&enjoy message from <joshua#DEMENTIA.ORG> on at 13:54:31 / etc
What part of "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn" don't you understand?

"Working full time is so much better.. you can go home and leave your work, and have free time..."
"But what would you do with all that free time? Play Asheron's Call?"
"Well, yeah, but..."
-- exchange between me and Shawn Quinlan
"Man, if there was anything I learned during adolesence, it's that one should fear WD40..."
-- Shawn Quinlan
--s--share&enjoy message from <sdavis#CS.CMU.EDU> on estorause.pdl.cs at 17:09:38 / Shelby R Davis
- Head, meet ass.
- I believe we've already met.

"Okay, so let's take the phrase 'white hot flaming death' and replace the word death with Deanna".
"See, the parser has found 'white hot', so it sets a mark, and then it goes on. But then instead of finding flaming death, it finds flaming Deanna.."
-- Mike Peck
"Is it a bad sign when you spend more time in somebody else's directory than your own?"
-- Andrew McCreight
"We drove up to Freeport and went to the L.L. Bean store. It's like heaven, but too expensive."
-- Steph Hoban
"Well, I'll watch their chests if they are on TV, but I really don't care what their names are."
-- Shawn Quinlan
"In Catan, first you get the sheep, then you get the power... and well, by that point, you don't really need women anymore."
-- Carl Meister
"I'm plusplusing him for being able to acquire pictures of a naked woman, under the pretense of being an AI construct."
-- Jason Riek
"Ironic, that Roman is saving Jesus..."
-- Zach Loafman (owner of
"Warning: A great many Usenet newsgroups are rude, crude, and totally without social merit at all. We do not do any screening, filtering, etc on the content of the Usenet news. Read and post at your own discretion."
-- the IT guys at Claritech
"Hey! I found the corpse of Fa Q II!"
-- Shawn Quinlan
"I'm sorry, but you can't build roads with wankers."
-- someone in the cs lounge during a game of Settler
"Since when does the SEI do experiments with animals?"
"Umm, all of those monkeys at typewriters?"
-- Jason Reed, Rehana Rodrigues
"No, I'm actually going home to do my taxes. I'm not going to Marybelle."
(mishearing) "You're not going to marry Bill? But won't that get you a bigger deduction on your taxes?"
-- exchange between me and Carl Meister
"That's what I like about Shawn as a roomate... he doesn't pee on the floor and then pass out in a pool of his own urine."
-- Andrew McCreight
"Yeah, well, the reason sexy boxers are so completely useless is, if you're already at the point where they'll be noticed, I think you've done most of the work already."
"No, I think then you're at the point where you're going to start doing some work!"
"Oh, you know what I mean."
-- exchange between Shawn Quinlan and Marcin Jeske
"hmm.. well, it doesn't compile, it isn't my fault.. and I'm too lazy to figure something else out.. time to watch anime."
"Jeremy, quit channelling Oren's spirit."
"Hey, I don't watch anime after giving up dammit. I play nethack."
"okay, 'Jeremy, stop channelling the spirit of Oren from two years ago.'"
-- Jeremy Praissman, Brad Keryan, Oren Laskin (on zephyr)
"It's much easier to kick someone's ass when you're not in a kilt... you don't run the risk of flashing anyone."
"You can solve that problem by wearing underwear, you know."
-- Charlie Ballowe, Jessica "George" Smith
"You know, there's a million fine-looking princesses in the world, dude, but they don't all swim the moat. Most of 'em just cheat on you."
-- Gus Prevas, on the SNS bboard in reply to "Was it intentional for King Sextimus to look like Silent Bob?"
--c--cslounge instance +- message from <jcreed> on unix13 at 14:24:29 / adventures with a contravariant functor
You have to be very careful to connect
the + end of one grade to the - of the next
grade on the transcript, otherwise they'll
short out and the transcript explodes
in firey death.

&&&&&Personal message from <aem2> on unix7 at 11:38:33 / The-Andrew-System i woke up at 9:30, and then i was like YOUSUCKOSIWANTTOSLEEPMORE! and so i did.
Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 09:23:05 -0400 (EDT) From: Ivan A Modrovich <> To: "bboard-poster" <> Subject: Re: Flyers "And then Jesus said unto the multitude, 'Lo! the Pens will go forth and bring great honors upon Pittsburgh, for their defense is righteous and the Flyers suck butt.'" --Andy
Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 11:01:42 -0400 (EDT) From: Bradley M Keryan <> To: Subject: Re: what is a planar graph? > Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 21:54:08 -0400 (EDT) > From: Noble A Shore > > what is a planar graph? > a response before 9AM tomorrow would be appreciated Oops, it's quite a bit past 9AM. You know, there have been a lot of homework-related questions on Slashdot (so far, two people writing papers who are too lazy to do their own research). I wouldn't be surprised if we started seeing stuff like this on Slashdot: Ask Slashdot: What is a Planar Graph? Posted by CmdrTakoyaki on Monday, April 17, @10:55am from the computer science department Noble asks: "what is a planar graph? a response before 9AM tomorrow would be appreciated." Interesting question. I wonder what the implications of this are for MP3s, nanomachines, Linux, and the MS DOJ settlement. What do you think? UPDATE: Neal Stephenson and Bruce Schnier wrote articles about this topic <a href="">here</a> and <a href="">here</a>. Interesting stuff. Brad

"Wasn't Wing-something the guy who, um, actually gave a flying fuck?!"
-- Mike Roke, trying to find out the character's names in a kung-fu porn movie
"Come join us for tea, scones, fussy little sandwiches and lots of chocolate bunnies valiantly giving their lives to provide us with chocolate fondue. White gloves optional. Sacrificial knifes will be provided. Appropriate amusements for the pagan upper class will be provided when all are sated."
-- Lori Bossert, in one of the most amusing invitations I've ever received
"I think I need to eat a bunny rabbit sometime, so I will have eaten all of the cute animals."
-- Shawn Quinlan
"We will be implementing Lorelei's breasts in the next version of NiftyTelnet."
-- Len Lanphar
"The big question is... and I'm going out on a limb here... will they be Kerberized? That is, will one have to authenticate to get access to them..."
-- Marcin Jeske, in response to the above
"Dogma has been shipped to me."
"I thought dogma must be discovered from within?"
"well, the DVD can be purchased from without."
"but it is not true dogma!"
"Well, it is Dogma, but not dogma."
-- zephyr exchange between Roman Mitz and me
"Can I smell your beer?"
-- Laura Tweedy, to Willie Beegle
"I don't think I feel like going downstairs.. why don't I just try to pee off the balcony over there?"
-- Laura Tweedy
"If I'm going to be a dildo, I certainly want to be capable of fucking someone up the ass, okay?"
-- Sean McGuire
"Deanna, can I please record you saying 'Woohoo!'? I think it would make a really great sound for my computer."
-- Sean McGuire
"Ascii art is a lost art."
-- Stewart Clamen
"We have run into a slight 80-Characters-No-Longer-Suits-Our-Creative-Naming-Needs problem."
-- Stewart Clamen
&&&&&Personal message from <keryan> on saveoften.weh at 23:45:57 / zettai konton
I'm not sure what should scare me more:
1. The fact each Dead or Alive 2 character has between 2 and 6 different customes in their wardrobes.
2. The fact that two of the characters have schoolgirl outfits in their wardrobes.
3. The fact that I beat the game in easy mode wearing a schoolgirl outfit.

"Scott, we've determined that not only is your car homosexual, but it's actually having sex."
"Right now?"
-- Tom Maher, Scott Robbins
"See, so usually Pittsburgh summers sort of creep up on you really slowly, rather than jumping out one day to bite you on the ass."
"I don't approve of your attempt to personify the weather as if it were a dog!"
"You just don't like the fact that you've been beaten down by a dog!"
-- me, Yishan, Shawn
"Yeah, maybe these 'Pan Asians' can teach us Chinese a few things about food.."
-- Yishan Wong
Barry: I'm going to go immerse myself in Thief II.
Mark: Okay.
Barry: So if you get hungry come get me, because I'm not coming out.
Mark: That's okay, I'm about to immerse myself in Baldur's Gate.
Barry: We're going to starve.
-- Barry Sheraw, Mark Lang (from an email)
"Don't have a cow? I don't have a cow, you took it!"
-- Dave Koes
Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 20:53:55 -0400 (EDT)
From: Zachary M Loafman <>
Subject: I need a CPU fan pronto

SWM seeks cpu fan to share hot summer nights with. Inquire at this
email address if you think you can cool off my hot cpu.


"My HAIR is in this DRAWER!"
-- Shawn Quinlan
--s--share&enjoy message from <moose> on unix11 at 17:07:14 / moose
sorry. my chauffer has a limited route.
--s--share&enjoy message from <moose> on unix11 at 17:07:26 / moose
perhaps you've met him, though. His name is Pat.
Pat Bus.

"When we are here at The Forum, we will talk about The Forum. When you allow us to submit CGI POST requests and display them on your body, we will talk about you, Deanna."
-- Yishan Wong
Date: Mon, 2 Jun 2000 22:57:30 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Charles F. Werner" <>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <>
Subject: Re: Any idiot can make techno music...

One day
I walked off campus
And went to hang out with other friends
I made a very geeky joke
Then I realized
They never programmed in C++
because they all thought I was making a reference
to 1984.

In the end
I was better off
Because they figured me a literature buff
Instead of a big fucking geek.


Date: Mon, 5 Jun 2000 13:14:31 -0400 (EDT) From: Bradley M Keryan <> To: Bulletin Board Administration <> Subject: Re: Schenly Movies > Jim Carrey isn't in Inspector Gadget. The Inspector is played by > Matthew Broderick. From the trailers for that movie, it looks like the scriptwriter had Jim Carrey in mind, not Matthew Broderick :) What were they thinking? Are there actually people who see the trailer, with "go go gadget arm" punching some guy in the nuts, and still want to see the movie? Is "Inspector Gadget" another "There's Something About American Pie", except targeted toward a younger audience? Brad, who doesn't entirely mind toilet humor as long as it's funny
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 2000 14:07:57 -0400 To: From: Kevin Gaughen <> Subject: beautiful day Man, it's such a nice day out. I have all my windows open and I'm trying my best to suck it all up. 'Seize the day' isn't the right phrase. I want to absorb the day, to consume it, to become one with it. I want to FUCK the day. Yes, I want to find the day's temporal orifice and copulate with it. I want to make love to it and knead its luscious day-breasts. I want to change positions and experience the day from the top, the bottom and oh so many other different angles. How I yearn to whisper sweet nothings in it's ear while it gives me head. I want to handcuff it to the bed so no one else can have it. I want to orgasm into its clear skies and sunshine; I want to spew my gravy across its celestial blue and create vapor trails and fluffy cumulus clouds with my seed. Then, once I'm satisfied, I'll kick its ass out of my room and fuck the night as well. -kkg

"Okay, so I know what an objective function is, but it still sounds like the answer to a bad joke along the lines of 'What do you get if you cross Bob Harper with Jason Crawford?'"
-- Jason Reed
"Hey, if you were cloned, you could play against yourself in Starcraft."
"Yeah, and I'd probably kick my ass!"
-- Nick Jong, Laura Tweedy
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2000 14:47:46 -0400 (EDT)
From: Alison K Merikangas <>
To: Kevin Thomas Gaughen <>
Subject: Re: drunk

Excerpts from graffiti.freston.misc: 13-Jun-100 drunk by Kevin 
> 19) akm wants some lovin'

my oh my - that's better than a personal ad!

did i ever tell you about the personal ad i put in in pittsburgh my
freshman year? i was really sick and doped up on cough medicine. fiona
and i thought it would be funny (i think i was even dating someone at
the time) so we wrote some. i won ad of the week, which became ad of the
month - they wouldn't fucking take it out.

the text was as follows:
choose life, choose a job, choose your future. but why would anyone want
to do a thing like that? instead choose an 18 year old female who can
tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

i got so many calls it was unbelievable. i guess men really like oral
sex from young women. what that little cherry stem trick has to do with
oral sex, though, i will never understand.


Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 18:10:02 -0400 (EDT) From: James R Bruce <> To: Bulletin Board Administration <> Subject: Re: Abortion risks I didn't want to get into this, but the situation demands it... Some facts I gathered: Most process abortions happen after the first few minutes, after child processes become unresponsive. Very few processes are aborted after 21 weeks. Abortion is very safe in more developed operating systems like Linux or BSD, and few parent deaths result from aborting children. In less developed systems like windows or MacOS, process abortion can be very dangerous to the parent, as well as unrelated processes inhabiting nearby areas. Both have made recent strides to make abortion safe, but there is still a far way to go before such improvements are available within all systems. However, your best bet is to protect yourself in the first place and limit unnecessary forking. - Jim
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 22:17:01 -0400 (EDT) From: J Leonard Lanphar <> To: Subject: Re: I am not alone this is giving me an idea: the geek stud calendar. every month would feature a photo of some hot geek-type guy sitting seductively at his computer with a caption below saying something like S E P T E M B E R Jeff is implementing genetic engineering software in Perl. He's endowed with a mouth-watering dual-processor PIII-750 with 512 MB of RAM and 70 GB of hard disk running RedHat 6.1. His hobbies include memorizing Monty Python movies, listening to TMBG, and whispering sweet NOOPs into his lover's ear.

"It's really frustrating that the dating scene is so hit-and-miss if you're into flings."
-- Joel Young
"well, so that's the thing. i've just written what all of these different lego pieces can do, what other pieces they connect to, etc. the thing is, despite that the lego set has been sold to build a particular spaceship, you could easily leave out parts, or build a different one, or whatever. so it's a matter of providing the steps on building the spaceship, as well as some pictures of alternate ones that can be built with this set. sigh."
-- me, explaining my writer's block on writing a module overview
"If you see just one animated chicken movie a year, it should be CHICKEN RUN."
-- Stewart Clamen
"Yes, I have refined my position to 'I will buy D2, but I will spit on the developers if I ever see them.'"
-- Shawn Quinlan message from <rochberg#CS.CMU.EDU> on evelake.pdl.cs at 18:21:22 / feed trough of the downcast
I'd ruled out coupes 'cause of the whole "tripod" thing. message from <psu#CS.CMU.EDU> on zimbs.srv.cs at 18:21:41 / psu
how big a tripod are you thinking? message from <dfoygel#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs128.sp.cs at 18:21:42 / Owner-Inseminator
jesus... how big is your tripod? why can't you put it in the *trunk*? message from <acm#CS.CMU.EDU> on zamboni.cmcl.cs at 18:22:04 / Andy, where's my 15 minutes?
dfoygel, some men are endowed with extra-large tripods that don't fit where other men's tripods might easily go

"We've gotten halfway through the episode and haven't met her merchandiseable sidekick yet."
-- Carl Meister
-----graffiti@CS message from <sprite#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs235.sp.cs at 15:19:19 / Bridget Spitznagel
I've never seen a template Cow
I never hope to 'z' one
But I can tell you anyhow
I'd probably rather be drinking cider on tap
--s--share&enjoy message from <joshua#DEMENTIA.ORG> on at 14:15:58 / etc
Parting is such sweet, AW GO FUCK YOURSELF

"Yesterday I could wonder what my purpose on this earth was.
Today I know. It was to hear -w used in a song lyric.
Thank you, dee, for making my life complete."
-- Jason Reed
"I need a sign that says 'will suck cock for pad thai noodles'."
-- Cort Stratton
"But, as a general rule, society sucks... We must look to mathematics and computers to deliver us from ourselves. People shouldn't look down on robots just because they don't have body hair."
-- Jim Bruce
"So I was writing a letter in Word, and after I got through the salutation and all, the damn paperclip showed up like 'I see you are trying to write a letter. Do you want some help?' and I was like 'NO! Go the hell away!'"
"Hmm, I've heard that if you sacrifice a young intern to the paperclip, it will leave you alone forever."
"Good idea..... WAIT A MINUTE!"
-- Laura Tweedy, me, Nick Jong (claritech summer intern)
-----emacs@CS message from <leg> on penguin at 01:11:13 / Larry
i have a script named "fuck", but all it does is increment a number in a file.
at least i can see how many times i've typed "fuck".
-----graffiti.disturbing noises in the ceiling@CS message from <agroce#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs246.sp.cs at 11:33:11 / Lil' Al'
"In July of 2000, three graduate students entered the woods; they
never came out. Their zephyrs were, however, archived."

"I like to think that I'm making an important contribution to the US's snot production."
-- Ralph Melton, on having a cold
-----bumba.status@CS message from <bumba#CS.CMU.EDU> on corinth.odyssey.cs at 14:11:24 / here comes the sun king
I might as well get used to the outdoors, because DAMNED IF I'LL SPEND

"Damn, someone in Canada has mad topiary skills..."
-- me, to Laura Tweedy, looking at flowers at Niagara Falls
-----english/german.xlate@CS message from <sprite#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs235.sp.cs at 16:01:41 / T-shirt Terror of the High Seas
Why am I not on my own fucking class?
-----english/german.xlate@CS message from <xlator> on corinth.odyssey.cs at 16:01:44 / Automated reply: automated xlation bot
Warum bin ich nicht auf meiner eigenen fucking Kategorie?
--a--the_asylum instance work message from <mj2q#DEMENTIA.ORG> on at 16:25:29 / Mark Jensen
Maybe I should pick up the "vague and bizarre" style of commenting
that is used here:
/* We whip through these suckers tromping along as we go. */
-----newbites.coool.d@CS message from <eli#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs211.sp.cs at 16:47:46 / sheep victimized by power groups
pah, if rats were type-safe they wouldn't have this kind of security hole.
-----dinner@CS message from <bumba#CS.CMU.EDU> on corinth.odyssey.cs at 18:17:08 / turbo nutter bastard
squill b&noble sucks so much ass it could start a donkey farm.

sprite: Also, just so you know, adjectives are a lazy tool of language.
cube: I always think your face looks like a football.
--c--cslounge instance dvorak message from <kaustuv#CS.CMU.EDU> on at 13:52:04 / Aloysius Chaudhuri

Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2000 16:21:28 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jason C Reed <>
To: System Account <>
Subject: Re: weekend

Lorelei D Laird <> writes:
> I think visiting Pace is more happiness than one person can digest. :}
> I also think I'm really sick of airports, airplanes, people in striped
> company shirts, mini packs of pretzels, air-conditioning, industrial
> carpeting, cocktail napkins, and franchise eateries. I feel like joining
> a commune and running around naked for a couple of days in order to get
> all of that out of my system.

Please wait until the aircraft has come to a complete stop at the gate and
the pilot has turned off the "no-hippie" light before running around


-----sddd2@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 19:42:43 I really fucking hate Unix linking "technology" -----sddd2@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 19:43:04 undefined reference MY ASS -----sddd2@CS message from <colohan#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs138.sp.cs at 19:43:36 You can't put your ass in a linkline. Perhaps you should package it in a "shared object" first?
-----help.perl@CS message from <bumba#CS.CMU.EDU> on corinth.odyssey.cs at 15:08:40 / super debugger mama Perl has everything and the kitchen sink. It's especially useful to those who like to program with kitchen sinks.
-----tea.primal scream.d@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 15:23:57 / half-off sale on butt wigs Meanwhile, my caffeine consumption is now down to one cup of coffee per day and dropping. Bwah hah hah hah. DANCE FOR YOUR DOSAGE, MY LITTLE CAFFEINE PUPPETS, DANCE

"...I don't get it. I think it's because I don't know lambda calculus."
"Well, neither do I! It's just a succ equation..."
-- me, Martin Hock
-----help.math.I have a question.d@CS message from <rochberg#CS.CMU.EDU> on evelake.pdl.cs at 17:54:08 / Mr. Clickthrough
(zephyr-finish-flame-war "safe languages" "expressive languages")         
Through the wonders of modern AI  technology, I
can finish this flamewar for you:
safe languages R00lz            
safe languages Sux               
safe languages Rules
safe languages Sucks, besides expressive languages rules                 
expressive languages sucks worse 
*you* suck worse
I hate you      
I hate you, pigfucker

"I like things being smart, even if it means them being a little slow."
"I like intelligence being server-side."
-- above from Jason Reed
"Oh, I see. We're playing the Lucky Charms game!"
-- Bryan Bailey (on Trumpet)
"Oh, they're like a bunch of telepathically linked goblins. What a waste of bandwidth."
-- Deryck Morales
"You have to be really high-level to be a Playboy bunny..."
-- Chris Labrunda
"We should question them before we kill them."
"Can I question them... with my axe?"
-- Mike Podlipsky, Tim Esposito
"I can make you think you died."
"I can make you die."
-- Mike Podlipsky the illusionist to Mike Peck the cleric/mage
"I'm striving for "taken" but not by Carl."
"Kevin, do you mean striving for "taken" as in "from behind" or the more conventional relationship meaning?"
"No, he means he wants some character to pick him up and equip him."
-- Kevin Shiue, Carl Eastlund, Zach Loafman
"Hey, Ralph, I thought of something to get for your Palm Pilot to stop your pants from beeping."
"So instead of an infrared beacon of love in my pants I'll have a vibrating beacon of love in my pants?"
-- Laura Tweedy, Ralph Melton
--c--cslounge instance texas message from <aem2> on chamonix.weh at 17:48:04
just get one of those portable metal detectors.
--c--cslounge instance texas message from <aem2> on chamonix.weh at 17:49:11
i think a portable metal detector would be obnoxious.
"'scuse me sir!  just checking for a congealed weapon!" WEEEOOOO!
"is that a... ok, its just a belt.  continue"
--c--cslounge instance texas message from <meister> on unix7 at 17:51:11
Of course you can avoid that by using an uncongealed weapon.
Those don't do as much damage, though.

For example, highlander syrup is much less harmful before it becomes a solid.

"I should note that I don't mean 'asshole' in a bad way. I mean 'asshole like me, but taller'."
-- Nat Lanza, on Dean Jackson
"Yeah, it's great, in the morning you can hear them cluckin' and shit!"
"It's gonna suck when they end the show and take away the chicken cam!"
-- Shawn Quinlan (on chicken cams)
-----letters to programs@CS message from <rochberg#CS.CMU.EDU> on ux9.sp.cs at 16:46:16 / [food store] of the [doomed]
dear linux,
I hate you.
But don't worry.  I hate lots of other programs too.


-----help.greek@CS message from <agroce#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs246.sp.cs at 14:27:33 / Don't eat your kudos all at once When Don Knuth, the Pope, and the Queen of England all line up behind a translation, it can be taken as correct.
-----chat.usenet/web.plug@CS message from <pdinda#CS.CMU.EDU> on pyramid.cmcl.cs at 13:06:22 / Save me, Gee-buzz! I think Haskel has types, and I understand that strong typing, because it is clearly an example of socialist compiler totalitarianism is incompatible with objectivism. -----chat.usenet/web.plug@CS message from <andrej#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs2.sp.cs at 13:06:45 / Andrej Bauer Well, you are somewhat mistaken. -----chat.usenet/web.plug@CS message from <pdinda#CS.CMU.EDU> on pyramid.cmcl.cs at 13:07:01 / Save me, Gee-buzz! Haskel doesn't have types? -----chat.usenet/web.plug@CS message from <andrej#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs2.sp.cs at 13:07:24 / Andrej Bauer Haskel is EVIL because it has type conversions. You can convert from A to B. This is clearly immoral.

"I don't need a laptop, because a cat serves approximately the same purpose (keep legs warm while wasting time)."
-- Bridget Spitznagel
"You take all of the wrong things that could happen to a person and put them in one story..."
"Yeah, Oedipus with elves."
-- John Prevost, Alex Groce (describing some story or another)
"You didn't infiltrate shit! You bravely ran away."
-- Deryck Morales
-----chat.election.buchanan.t@CS message from <eli#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs211.sp.cs at 13:42:52 / ribald tune
what part of "the people" is not clear?

Date: Fri, 3 Nov 2000 10:03:32 -0500 (EST) From: Jonathan David Pearce <> To: Boss Three <> Subject: oh, yeah? Your Mom is so dumb that she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a Karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm.
--s--share&enjoy message from <joshua#DEMENTIA.ORG> on at 14:05:57 / etc Women are harder to find then jobs. Date the girl, quit if it works out.
-----heh@CS message from <pdinda#CS.CMU.EDU> on pyramid.cmcl.cs at 13:22:10 / Save me, Gee-buzz! I just showed a couple of students tcpdump. I think they had a stroke. -----heh@CS message from <pdinda#CS.CMU.EDU> on pyramid.cmcl.cs at 13:22:51 / Save me, Gee-buzz! WOW, ALL THOSE PACKETS ARE THERE EVEN WHEN WE'RE NOT USING THE NETWORK?! HOLY SHIT.
--c--cslounge instance lounge.eviction message from <aem2> on unix14 at 19:25:34 / we must either love each other, or we must die the best thing to do is to not let his presence disturb you. you must be as the reed, bending in the wind. not as the oak, which in a strong wind will break. --c--cslounge instance lounge.eviction message from <broz> on unix46 at 19:26:00 / Yeah, ==aem2, shove a tree up his ass.

"...I love to build wankerific castles in the sky..."
-- Jason Reed
"I've noticed that when it comes to 'top computer science schools', 'level of scruffiness' is directly proportional to 'how far east the school is'

stanford people are totally clean-cut. berkeley people in general are shaggy fruitcakes, but berkeley CS people I've met have all been really cleancut. CMU people are in-between. And MIT people sport a look that says 'who needs to look professional when you have an MIT pedigree'."
-- Mike Schuresko

"It was like having 100 tons of stupid shooting at me."
-- Deryck Morales, describing Mechwarrior 2
"Yes, I have valuable campaign information written down here. Like 21" bacon cheesesteaks with no onions..."
-- Django Wexler
"This is a family game. Pillage and plunder only."
-- Django Wexler, on AD&D
"Did I make any mention of love? I think not. One can need something without loving it. For example, I need to bathe at least once a month."
-- Ed Latimer
"That's some awfully powerful punctuation."
-- Alex Groce
"I bet it was either an obscenity or a sausage, like everything else in German."
-- Eli Brandt
"the desire for sex is referred to as the sex drive... but the desire for food is not referred to as the food drive. a food drive is when people bring food to you. having a sex drive, however, does not mean people will bring you sex."
-- Jodi Poniewaz
"No prior knowledge of formal logic or category theory will be required to understand this talk--only willingness to think about things that are not related to Java and startup possibilities..."
-- Andrej Bauer, in the abstract for a "What is Category Theory?" talk.
"Bah. Mountain Dew is a much better OS than Surge, although both cause less sleep^H^H^H^H^H downtime than other options."
-- Rolf Braun
-----periodic rochberg weirdness@CS message from <rochberg#CS.CMU.EDU> on knockdhu.pdl.cs at 12:33:31 / enigmatic inanity
Dear whatever microbe or virus is living in me and causing my         
respiratory tract to fill with greenish phlegm,

I would be happy to provide an alternate environment that you would
find extremely pleasant (warmed gel agar for the bacteria, viri: you     
tell me what you need) if only you'd leave me alone.

-----periodic rochberg weirdness@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 12:39:47 / the drill-bit for your cranium
Dear whatever microbe,                

Just in case you were wondering, *my* respiratory tract is not an      
acceptable alternate environment.
-- Scott

Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000 15:56:54 -0500 (EST) From: Peter Sand <> To: Subject: Re: all mine! Before you make such statements, I should warn you that the hot chicks are using your computer to write a type-safe compiler for a virtual reality oral sex scripting language. Without this, you might end up with objects being assigned to incompatible orifices, which certainly isn't something you want happening in your bed.


--c--cslounge instance lieberman message from <llaird> on unix7 at 11:34:46
that's where you get your rabbi to step in and interpret for you.
I find that not running my life according to an ancient boook
solves these problems for me, though.
--c--cslounge instance lieberman message from <oren#DEMENTIA.ORG> on bilbo.cnbc at 11:37:26
yeah, running your life by an ancient book is silly
--c--cslounge instance lieberman message from <zml> on unix48 at 11:35:26
Instead, let's all run it by my book.
--c--cslounge instance lieberman message from <jcreed> on unix11 at 11:35:37
Much better to run it according to a more up-to-date book.
I reccomend "Tensor Calculus for Hydrodynamics", myself.
--c--cslounge instance lieberman message from <jcreed> on unix11 at 11:36:07
On sabbath, I must ritually prove Stoke's theorem twenty-three times.

Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2001 08:57:52 -0500 (EST) From: Andrew E Mccreight <> To: Subject: "social loafing" for my research methods class today we are supposed to read an article on "social loafing", which is how people tend to slack off when they work in groups. we are supposed to read it because we are going to work in groups. i wasn't going to read it, because other people probably will, but the irony is just too thick, so i will after all.
-----chat.lucidity levels decreasing captain@CS message from <sprite#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs235.sp.cs at 14:52:31 / Bridget Spitznagel Do I dare to eat a peach? I have heard the mermaids singing each to each. I do not think that they will help me write this paper.
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001 13:58:37 -0500 (EST) From: Lorelei D Laird <blueeyeddevil#CMU.EDU> To: Deanna Rubin <entropy+#CMU.EDU> Subject: Re: evening Excerpts from graffiti.hobby.trolling.aem2: 31-Jan-101 Re: evening by Deanna Rubin@andrew.cmu. > who notices that every time she mentions how she doesn't watch TV, > andrew mentions an article on about people who mention > they don't watch TV. I've seen this syndrome. It's kind of like the > "I feel superior because I read" people. Pretty annoying. Ha. You too now feel the uberbitchiness that is Deanna. The only known cure is ignoring her.

"Ever since I ordered those containment suits, it's been downhill from there."
-- Dave Rochberg
"whatever drugs you're on, i want some.
well, except if you're on birth control pills."
-- Bennet Yee
"...there are plenty of other things people care about more than sex, like hacking and zephyr."
"Zephyr is a manifestation of sex."
-- Alex Groce, Eli Brandt
"It's hard to write knowledgably about things you know nothing about."
-- Django Wexler
"We're talking inductive self-mutilation here."
-- Django Wexler
"Jerry Springer is an active force for evil in the world."
-- Alex Groce
"More porn for the poor!"
-- Django Wexler
"CNN wants to know where I am every time I visit their site. 'Same damn place I was yesterday! You people hear of cookies?'"
-- Alex Groce
"I remember passing by a sign that said, 'Waterfront', with an arrow pointing, and thinking, 'What a pointless sign to have in Pittsburgh.'"
"Yeah, sort of like 'Bridge.'"
"Or how about, 'Horrendous onramp'?"
-- Dani Zweig, Monica Cellio, Eli Brandt
"You: Gee Pat, that was ...uhhh... interesting. Why would that make me want to play volleyball?
Pat: Unfortunately, my brain is stuck in first gear today. I figure any time I don't know what else to say, singing "I'm a little teapot" can't hurt. You should try that in your daily life too."
-- Pat Riley, in an email about CS volleyball
"I have this great idea for how to lose weight. Put a portable hole in your stomach."
-- Drew Hoskins
"I'll take Potent Potables for 2d8+3, Alex..."
-- Drew Hoskins
"Do you have anything exciting [to trade to me]?"
"Do you consider sheep exciting?"
-- Martin Hock, Dan Blandford
"Here's a dime. Go buy yourself a new set and cheat."
-- John McCall (in reply to "Anyone have any coins to trade?")
"I wish I could check my head into CVS [to keep track of my hair length]..."
-- Eli Brandt
-----!ephemera.sender REDACTED@CS message from <jch#CS.CMU.EDU> on ux2.sp.cs at 12:04:37 / stooge for the man
First they came for the bboards.  
  But I had zephyr, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the misc collections.  
  But I had RPMs, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for scs-all.  
  But I had a filter, so I didn't speak up.
They they came for the RPP.  
  But I didn't use it anymore, so I didn't speak up.
They they came for me.  
  And by that time there was no-one left to speak up.
    So I graduated.

----- instance work message from <meister> on unix12 at 16:42:44 / asahi wa kagayakasu, yuuhi wa kagenobasu y'know, if you had to be a demideity of something, threading issues isn't a really bad thing. "synch locks? Who needs synch locks?" ----- instance work message from <meister> on unix12 at 16:43:29 / asahi wa kagayakasu, yuuhi wa kagenobasu You would get to attach "Lord of Mutices" to the end of your name.

"You could hide behind a boulder, but you're really not sure how efficient that would be."
"Why, because [the hill giant] can see me?"
"No, because he can pick up boulders."
-- Kyle Billingsley, Dan Blandford
"It was Power Word Do Diddley!"
-- Jim Boyle
"The pizza roll.. <rolls some dice> succeeds! You should reincarnate Deryck as a pizza."
-- Django Wexler
"It better be the muse talking, and not just your butt."
-- Alex Groce
-----how data mining works in academia@CS message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 15:01:11 / kiss the vibrating chihuahua
Herr Professor Scientist: Your Whizzy Bayesian Network Anomaly Detection 
Mumble is JUST WHAT WE NEED!  We have a bunch of deadlines, the first
one of which is in three weeks.  I'll get you millions of datapoints
"today", and they shall be clean as a baby's behind.

Graduate Student Data Miner: Great!  

GSDM: [waits a week]

GSDM:  Hello?

GSDM: [waits another week]

HPS: Here is some other small, vaguely related dataset I have had lying
around for months.  Go nuts!  The "important" variables are mumble
mumble wooger mumble mumble.

GSDM: [fires up Whizzy Bayesian Network Anomaly Detection Mumble]

WBNADM: I don't THINK so.  [dumps core]

GSDM: My incredibly sophisticated thesis code has revealed the
following fact about your dataset: the "important" variable "wooger"
is always equal to 0.000000 in your ASCII file.  Fix, please?

HPS: [waits half a week]

HPS: Just ignore that one for now.

GSDM, thinking to himself: And do it all over again when you finally
get your act together?  Ha ha ha ha.  [loses 5d8 gruntles]

Top Ten magic hate ball messages: (from instance share&enjoy) 10. You suck. [benc@DEMENTIA.ORG] 9. Shut up and die. [wander@WATSON.ORG] 8. Don't ask me again later, you stupid fuck. [dr4b] 7. Signs point to "You're going to fuck it up." [dr4b] 6. How the fuck should I know? [wander@WATSON.ORG] 5. You fucked it up already, didn't you? [benc@DEMENTIA.ORG] 4. Reply hazy, because you smoke too much pot. [thwomp] 3. Ask again never. [blk] 2. And you ask a plastic 8-ball? [kidder@DEMENTIA.ORG] 1. No. Quit asking. [benc@DEMENTIA.ORG] 0. Fuck no. [dr4b] -1. Most define-- Just kidding. No. [benc@DEMENTIA.ORG] -2. I've got more balls than you, asshole. [dr4b] -3. If this really matters to you figure it out yourself, assface. [wander@WATSON.ORG]

"This is essentially Butterfly, if it wore a lot of makeup, took a lot of trippy drugs and then tried to see if it could outrun a speeding car to the end of the road. Or something like that."
-- GurtyGurt, from the DDR Every-Mix FAQ
--c--cslounge instance mycvslogmessage message from <robbins> on unix15 at 04:11:02

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to another addition of cvs log messages that
nobody reads, we've got a great show in store for you tonight, re-post-at- 
end-of-handler is here, along with modified athrow semantics, and musical
guest Aggressive-throw-aie-on-return...                                    
From the home office in 4th floor management-in-the-clouds-land -

Top 10 reasons CVM may not be working:

10. The build fails with "You've got to be kidding..."
9. You compile with -Wall -ansi-pedantic -f uckmeuptheass.
8. You set the CVM_DONT_WORK=true make flag.
7. You compiled with MS Visual C++ for linux.
6. The linker reports "undefined reference to MyPants!"
5. Your co-worker submitted the CVM to the obfuscated C contest and won!
4. one fully qualified name: javax.realtime.netbeans.
3. You use macros to affect higher-order functions in C.
2. Your source file contains more macro than actual code.
1. You attempted to implement something in the RTSJ!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great audience.

"I can't think of any performance measure in which a 4:1 ratio in preference of either gender is possible, other than breast size, which, I suppose, is a perfectly reasonable judgment criterion."
-- Drew Hoskins
-----PSA@CS message from <eli#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs211.sp.cs at 17:22:47 / Tranny Rumpkin
documenting pays off!  I just catted together the README files for
all the versions of my code, and now I have a thesis.
-----PSA@CS message from <eli#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs211.sp.cs at 17:23:02 / Tranny Rumpkin
now cat the TODO files, and boom, "Future Work" chapter.

Date: Sun, 24 Jun 2001 22:11:22 -0400 (EDT) From: Eric C Kadehjian <> To: bboard-poster <> Subject: Re: update Re: optimism On Sun, 24 Jun 2001, Kevin Buoren Shiue wrote: > Hm, okay, so actually it would be all easier if I just started the > "stop obsessing" phase right about now. Have your friends Jack D. and Jim B. over. I find obsessing over someone pretty tough if I preoccupy myself with trying to stand. -- Eric

"My couch is skanky, but my TV is large."
-- David Rochberg
"As far as I can tell, this song is the closest audio approximation to feces in existence. I wish I had a way to fling it at kids at the zoo."
-- Martin Hock
"...I'm a college girl, Steve. Do you know what that means? Drunken orgies with Cliff Notes every now and then."
"Dude, I went to the wrong college. All I got was the Cliff Notes."
-- Molly Shannon (in Night at the Roxbury), and Ted Wong's reaction
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2001 08:33:02 -0400 (EDT) 
From: Jason C Reed <>
To: Andrew BBoard Account <>
Subject: Re: SML: Why aren't files closed when they go out of scope? (fwd) 
On Wed, 18 Jul 2001, Andrew E Mccreight wrote: 
> Oh, and I'm back in Pittsburgh from a weekend in California, for a bit 
> of a McCreight clan gathering.  Where I was it was cool and arid.  How 
> nice!  Now I'm back in the hellish swamp of Pittsburgh.  But Pittsburgh 
> has computers, so it isn't all bad.  
Now I have this vision in my head: a swamp, green and brown and sludgy. If 
you so much as touched the surface, it would suck your hand in up to the 
wrist and something would begin to see if you beared any protein worth 
extracting. Many insect and amphibian noises. Chirp, grunt, whine. In the 
distance, in the mist, the silhouette of a towering cathedral is barely 
Just as you look back to the horizon, a sparcStation leaps out of the 
muck, extends its monitor cable like a whip to capture a wandering 
dragonfly, and sinks back down, crunching away at its meal. 
"Next time," you almost swear you hear it think, "it'll be you". 

-----chat.sffs@CS message from <clamen#CS.CMU.EDU> on at 13:14:45 / Stewart M. Clamen I wonder if one could consider The Star-Spangled Banner a filk -----chat.sffs@CS message from <tomault#CS.CMU.EDU> on at 13:15:32 / Thomas Galen Ault WHY would the SSB be considered a "filk?" There's no sane reason to do so. -----chat.sffs@CS message from <tomault#CS.CMU.EDU> on at 13:17:31 / Thomas Galen Ault In order for a song to be filk, it must have lyrics that are targetted at any one of a number of geeky subcultures. -----chat.sffs@CS message from <clamen#CS.CMU.EDU> on at 13:17:48 / Stewart M. Clamen like republicans?
----- instance intl message from <meister> on unix1 at 15:09:19 / taiyou ni miteite morau ka na Just out of curiosity, how did we get on such bad terms with the Muslim states? Was it just America's patronage of Israel? ----- instance intl message from <oren#DEMENTIA.ORG> on at 15:10:57 / nanji no arubeki sugata ni modore That's one thing ----- instance intl message from <oren#DEMENTIA.ORG> on at 15:11:09 / nanji no arubeki sugata ni modore The other reason is n'sync ----- instance intl message from <meister> on unix1 at 15:11:28 / oh, yeah. I guess that would cause anyone to be angry at us.
-----nyetwork@CS message from <jch#CS.CMU.EDU> on ux2.sp.cs at 16:33:22 / stooge for the man oh, btw, my manager is a private flyer. When we got the "here's what to say to anyone asking about Microsoft Flight Simulator", he got a little hacked off. So he called the commercial flight simulator center near Heathrow that his flying club went to once. "You want to book time this afternoon sir? Sure. On a 757? No problem. Program in New York skyline? Absolutely." -----nyetwork@CS message from <roc#CS.CMU.EDU> on ux1.sp.cs at 16:34:15 / Robert OCallahan "Will that be with the World Trade Center or without?"

"Okay, here is the kanji of the day. <carl scribbles the kanji for 'suu' on the whiteboard>"
"I don't know that one. What is it?"
"It's 'suck'!"
"Uhhh, can I have a different kanji of the day, please?"
"Okay! <carl scribbles the kanji for 'fuku' on the whiteboard>"
"I don't know this one either..."
"It's 'blow'!"
-- Carl, having a bad day at work message from <joshua#DEMENTIA.ORG> on at 14:32:00 / joshua
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $72.

If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the
nickel deposit, you would have $79.

My advice is to start drinking heavily.

"You named it 'Cartman'? So now you have Japanese cats and a white suburban weasel?"
"Yep. And my raven is named 'Quoth'!"
-- Drew Hoskins, Django Wexler
"Does anyone else think Drew makes up NPC's just so he can make weird noises?"
-- Jim Boyle
"You know, the warning 'If [the creatures] touch you, they'll make you insane' would have been great *before* they touched me and I went insane..."
-- Django Wexler
Date: Tue, 2 Oct 2001 16:42:43 -0400 (EDT) 
From: Margaret I DeLap <> 
To: bboard-poster <> 
Subject: Re: Friday: Subliminal Geek Fishing 
> Actually, not only can I tell you about life before dirt, I can even tall 
> you about life before C++ and Java, back when men were men and everyone 
Were women also men?  That would've explained the ratio. message from <scottd#CS.CMU.EDU> on loon.auton.cs at 17:37:45 / gut-puppet theatre I think my mind just reached its boggling quota for the day

"Someone asked me what beef jerky is. I told them 'It's sort of like a Fruit Roll-up, except that it's made out of cow.'"
-- overheard in the hall at Whizbang
"The movie [Desperate Living] was apparently filmed on a parchment made of ass such it that reproduced certain frequencies when exposed to light, albeit in a very asslike manner."
-- Martin Hock
"There's no Nobel prize in theoretical wanking."
"But there may be one in applied wanking..."
-- Jason Reed, Dave Kitchin
-----chat.a decision@CS message from <agroce#CS.CMU.EDU> on forlesen.modck.cs at 01:04:30 / I'll let you know immediately I get out of the wood after seeing Jeanette's business card in her martial arts instruction
persona, I have decided that if I am ever a certified bad-ass I will
not have two cards, but will make a single card, one side noting that
I am computer scientist, the other that in spite of that I am to be
feared and respected

"With a big false floor and a floor tile sucker, anything is possible."
-- David Rochberg
"I will not drive home anyone who explodes in my car."
-- David Rochberg
"After a long night of travel, Lux and I were finally home, and walking out from the station on 96th. I said something, and then told her to "Smack my ass and call me Sally." So she reaches back and as her hand comes forward, smacks some guy in the face. He said "ow." It was really really funny."
-- Logic
"I have two credit cards, a Discover Platinum which charges an exorbitant rate of 22.9% (not, as it happens, due to late payments on my part - it's a long and boring story) and a credit union Visa which charges 9.65%.

They are frozen.

Not in the "the man decided they have to keep me down so he froze my assets" sense. They are both paid off. I decided I wanted to live without the temptation to use them for a while. So, I put them both in a ziploc bag full of water, and put it in the freezer.

If I see something that I think is really cool, and I want it, and I don't have the money in my account to get it, then I have to go home and thaw them out before I use them... not too great a hurdle, but enough to make me more careful.

I will probably thaw them when I buy the new computer, b/c I'm thinking of getting that before the end of January, rather than waiting until I've got the cash, just because I'm frustrated on several music projects and want the tools to work on them.

There's actually something really pleasant about not having the option to spend in my wallet.

Maybe I should stop carrying my ATM card too, and just carry cash..."
-- Sean McGuire


"If he's in it, his head better explode."
-- Tom Pierce, on Jar Jar Binks
"[The dry radiator air] makes a big difference when you have a dog with lots of hair who generates a ton of static electricity. I have to ground myself to her nose every time I'm anywhere near her."
-- Kevin Watkins
"My family and I rediscovered our old Allan Sherman record collection over the holidays.

When will RFW be back up? I want to stream some 60s Borscht Belt filk."
-- Stewart Clamen

"For a moment there I read "box set" as "bot sex"."
-- Keith Irwin
"I keep getting 'griddle' and 'girdle' confused, which leaves me with big burn marks on my stomach."
"Also, the pancakes suck..."
-- Sean McGuire, Eli Brandt
-----chat.for.fpereira@CS message from <agroce#CS.CMU.EDU> on forlesen.modck.cs at 12:44:57 / I'll let you know immediately I get out of the wood
I'd rather hack Java and fudge charts than pretend Moby Dick is really
a symbol for the Republic of Ireland

"Don't let Grundar get drunk, we need to hit the road soon."
"Well, he'd certainly hit the road. Face first."
-- me, Carl Meister
"At work I work on things that take years for a half dozen people to complete and in the end all we have is an abstract pattern of 1's and 0's. Making bread is very real and concrete and tactile. I have things that I hold and mix and shape. And I can see and smell and touch and taste the result and know that it was good. So go out and make bread. It's good for the soul. "
-- Mark Jensen
-----dinner.t@CS message from <agroce#CS.CMU.EDU> on forlesen.modck.cs at 20:58:00 / harrowing up the souls of the curious and gullibleof all ranks
"zephyr" was god of the west wind, by the way
-----dinner.t@CS message from <dr4b> on unix4 at 20:59:53 / for official ninja use only
ah, so zephyr is west then? or does zephyr blow east? i'm confused
-----dinner.t@CS message from <cache#CS.CMU.EDU> on gs92.sp.cs at 21:02:05 / David McWherter
yes. (m-w says 'zephyr': a breeze from the west, preventing the
completion of your thesis)

"People tell me I look like a vegetarian.
I eat those people."
-- Eli Brandt
"so philip had a little window on his desktop, as he sometimes does when his x-box is running and plugged into his tv tuner card. i watched the window for a while, and noticed that there was some football game for the x-box running, and figured that it was in its demo mode, as philip didn't have a controller in his hands or anything. the game seemed to have fairly detailed rendering, and pretty fluid animations.

it took me about two minutes to realize (mostly due to a close-up on one of the players faces) that the window wasn't output from an x-box, but the super bowl."
-- Neil Halelamien

"Let's start at L."
"Is that L as in Love, Mr. Gerlach?"
"No, that's L as in Loser, kind of like that Jerry Springer guy..."
-- an exchange in Kiltie rehearsal on Valentine's day
"It's the classic story of boy meets academic subject, boy falls in love with academic subject, boy graduates, boy gets job, boy dimly remembers a few things about subjects tangentially related to originally mentioned subject, boy posts to usenet thoroughly dismissing vast swaths of human endeavor as "gibberish", "worthless", and "not really mathematics at all, but rather physics", boy gets his ass flamed the hell off by usenet."
-- Jason Reed, describing comp.lang.functional
Carl: "What does that have to do with Ed?"
Sam: "I'm almost finished my kernel, and he's fucking screwed."
Carl: "Isn't that redundant?"
Me: "I'm not interested in a trade, I just want to give away this shrimp [sushi]."
Kevin: "Look, just eat it already, nobody else wants it..."
Carl: "That's why she's trying to prawn it off on everyone."
From: Jason C Reed <>
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 01:26:12 -0500 (EST) 
Subject: Re: [g-f-misc] pi day 
On Wed, 20 Mar 2002, Tobin Coziahr wrote:  
> Gopi's a terror when he gets drunk, too.  We had to drag him out of PHI when 
> he started calling everyone in there his "sweet, sweet honkey bitches" and 
> threatened to take their temperature with his "all dark meat thermometer". 
Dude, tell me about it. There was that one time he came into the lounge, 
knocked a mile off his ass on (as it was later revealed) a cocktail of 
wild turkey, antifreeze, and absinthe, told all the, quote, donkey-fucking 
mongoloid crackers to get the fuck out of his way before he batter-fried 
their testicles, and proceeded to totally trash the place. Three weeks 
after his trailer-park-tornado of destruction ended, we were still picking 
bits of Microsoft reference manuals and unfortunate freshmen out of the 
ceiling tiles. 

"It's 2:30pm. Do you know where your roomate is?"
"I ate him."
-- Carolyn, Brian Railing
"If I was going to kill Jason [Reed] creatively, I would compress his body into the shape of a quarter and see if the Medieval Madness machine would accept it."
-- Noble Shore
"I have looked straight into the depths of Hell, and I have CHANGED ITS OUTFIT!"
-- Laura Marsh, on the Mary Kate and Ashley videogame
"The fireball explodes right in the middle of the orcs.
Most of them, fortunately, die."
-- Tal Latimer
"A-ha! You are not the only master of the concealed monster technique!"
-- Dan Blandford
"They can't kill Konstantin because perverts are invincible."
-- Evan Mandel
"Okay, and Kyle's going around the city looking for cheap sex..."
"No I'm not, I'm looking for camels."
-- Django Wexler, Kyle Billingsley
"Do you hate demons too, Shadow?"
"He's a good dog. Of course he hates demons. All good dogs hate demons."
-- me, Mike Peck
"Of course, it's like comparing apples to ovens."
"I don't know whether to agree with you or to smack you."
-- me, Alex Groce
"If I come across as a rude cell-phone-sneaking-up-on, quarter-dropping, possibly-gay, driving-into-the-curb kind of guy, it's my own damn fault."
-- Nick Jong
"Looking at the bottle for the first time really brought home the difference between european and american views on history. On the back label was "Stella Atrois has been brewed in the same noble tradition in Belgium since 1366." American beers will proudly advertise "Since 1870" or whatever. As Tim said, "We've been brewing since the civil war" sounds really silly next to "We've been brewing since the black plague." "
-- Willie Beegle
"I went to the grocery store with my camera. I had the best time ever. I learned that people hate getting their picture taken, especially when they don't know you."
-- stereolabrat, on Livejournal
"Imagine the flexibility of rewriting URLs using Perl! Rewrite URLs based on the content of a directory structure, settings stored in a relational database, or the phase of the moon."
-- the mod_perl docs
"I'm not gay AND I like Iron Dragon!"
-- least likely things Tom Maher might say
"The new film by Stanley Kubrick: Small Metal Fuck!"
-- Brad Keryan
"Just think, you could go to work thinking: 'I create something that makes millions of people forego personal hygeine to consume!'"
-- Sean McGuire, on working in the videogame industry
Deanna: yeah, much ownage either way, I guess. There's always an owner and a... umm... non-owner.
Farren: And an ownee.
Deanna: oo, yeah, sort of like an Oni
Farren: It's the "Ownee" course!
Deanna: because you've been owned by it! Whee!
-- silly exchange about DDR Oni ownage
"I was at a party, and on two tv screens, one had porn, the other had Beatmania IIDX, and everyone was watching IIDX."
-- Dave "Prozac"
> especially since I have been formualting a quite formal letter to KOJ
> asking for a reason to quit when it has become so big yatta yatta yatta

I can see Jim sitting at his desk writing that now:

Dear KoJ... nono... that does't work *crumples up paper*
Dear Konami... nono... too formal. *crumples up paper*
Hey you ignorant bastards. (aw yeah, now we're talkin),
First off, DDR rocks and you guys rule. And second, you guys totally suck. Don't kill the series. If you do, I'll come over there and blow up your building Contra style, yo.

Your loyal fan (who is still working on AAAing Twilight Zone), LazieJim.


-- Kevin Lambert (aka GPF Lith), on the End of DDR As We Know It.

Date: Wed, 04 Dec 2002 13:27:16 -0800
From: Joshua Buergel
To: [ ... ]
Subject: Re: Lord Of The Rings Tickets

> Cinerama's a pretty cool theater.  I don't know if its all THAT much better
> than say, Montlake, but some people (Heidi) swear by it.

Sometimes I swear in front of it, when I see the lines.


"Totoro is the motherfucking pimp daddy of the forest. If he scares you, maybe it's because you're a litterer, or you don't recycle, or you use aerosol sprays, or you buy products made from deforested regions of the rainforest, and so you're shaking in your little booties because you know that one of these days, he's gonna get in his motherfucking catbus, and he's gonna come to your house and kick your sorry industrial ass!"
-- Casey Muratori
"I had the horror of watching someone play it through the two weeks just to see what would happen.

I don't know about Kevin, maybe he's just not getting enough, but polygons do absolutely nothing for me. It wasn't "gratuitous" nor "sexual" in any way. Wow! You can zoom in on her POLYGONAL ass for as long as you want! HUZZAH!

The game is a complete pile of shit."
-- Matt Ragsdale, on Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball

"Gay or Bi? If you understand recursion, I'm attracted to you, regardless of age, race, gender, or species."
-- Kirsten Chevalier
"I can't believe I just told someone "Ok, tell your teenager to..." to solve a computer problem."
-- Monica Cellio
Nope, he got one "Ibun mou maabarasu!" on the last step of Bag 300 instead of a "Happy Wow!", so he only got a AAAAA on it. He was complaining the whole time how they stretched the Perfect window to three 1/4 notes to fit in the new step ratings, though.

I was at the 8th plus location test yesterday, and Ryu finally did AAAAAA Bag 300. He also AAAAA'ed the one more extra stage, Maxx to the XXXium Infinity Survivor Climax Evolution 380 (uncivilization parapara super eurobeat vocal remix), with 12 ibun mo maabarasu! and 1 you are enjoy!.
Oh, and some guy managed to complete the new "Road of 5x sudden shuffle" oni course. He spelled his name wrong on the high score list, however.

PARANOiA Rebirth:
That's nothing. AAAAAAAAron has better scores than that. He passed PARANOiA Survivor Max Max ~Dirty mix~ 320 on 8x. He also got a DAMN on Let Them Not Move.

I hear that on 9th mix the extra stage is going to be 400 bpm and if you get one Perfect you fail. They also replaced the "Marvelous" with "Simple".

"I'm getting Hot all over the place!"
-- Amber, on IHOP syrups.
-----help.zephyr characters@CS message from <kosak.z#CS.CMU.EDU> on zimbs4.srv.cs at 15:18:07 / kosak via zarchive web
What is the zephyr character for "I have just made a programming error than
would not have been caught until runtime in a dynamically typed programming
language like Lisp" ?
-----help.zephyr characters@CS message from <bumba#CS.CMU.EDU> on corinth.odyssey.cs at 15:18:35 / shortness is the soul of smartness
We can't waste a whole character on that. You think bits grow on
-----unhelp.zephyr characters@CS message from <allbery#ECE.CMU.EDU> on tully.ece at 15:19:04 / geekosaur
I don't think there's a raised-middle-finger character in any standard

<zahlman> halo kitty? Is that what you get when you stuff your cat into an +xbox?
<deanna> no, that's schroedinger's kitty
<deanna> if you open the xbox, is the kitty Dead Or Alive?
"Went to B&N, looked at some stuff, but didn't score any junk, if you catch my meaning. I could have been crazy tripping on "The Oxford Dictionary of Allusions" and "Metaphysics, an Introduction (2nd ed)" right now, but I came to my senses before approaching the dealer downstairs. One you start talking to them, man, they don't let up. I'm sure they would have tried to talk me into experimenting with some of that new kind of "Harry Potter" shit all the kids are trying these days. Shit'll fuck you up man. Fuck. You. Up."
-- Jason Reed